No Stupid Questions

The best way to get rid of a fear is to face it.

Try cooking something simple like pancakes. Really, just following the directions of a recipe should make cooking anything pretty simple, if not time consuming the more complicated it gets. Even the most lavish of foods aren't exactly difficult. They just take patience and time.

Step 1 - burn the house down with gasoline.

There is no step 2.

Now whenever you cook, no matter what you do, no matter how badly you fail, it'll never be as bad as the time yoj caused a house fire, which resulted in several houses catching fire.

Keep baking soda around, if you manage to start a fire use it to smother the fire.

Otherwise, if you fuck up the food, order a pizza and try again tomorrow

This is an irrational fear that is having a severe effect on your ability to function in a normal way. You should seek therapy if that is practical.

Maybe start with more simple things? What I feel is simple is like oatmeal or pasta.

Maybe take a cooking class? They can teach you how to do things so it won’t be as scary.

My wife suggested watching a lot of cooking YouTube videos.

get a rice cooker.

One button. super safe. easy to clean.

there are recipe books about how to use a rice cooker to cook all sorts of stuff (rice, curries, hot pot, soups, pasta, steamed anything)

with that same one button.

after you get comfortable heating up food so that you can eat it, you can try a pan or a Crock-Pot, whatever strikes your fancy.

I would wonder if you felt the same about driving? I’m betting that part of it is that you don’t know how to react in a bind. That’s practice and training more than anything.

Try this: Go watch some kitchen safety how videos. Go by some boxed Mac and cheese. Make it, it’s foolproof.
Notice that everything turned out ok. Try it again a few times. Now go try something different that you might like.

Your first step might be finding someone who can mentor you and help you and teach you a bit. Someone with patience and who is caring.

To be honest though, it sounds like some good therapeutic council would do you very well and bring quality of life.

I haven't experienced what you're describing. Previous experience suggests exposure is the next step for you. If a cooking class isn't feasible right now then start with watching some videos online (best if they're home cooks - you want to watch common cooking of foods you like to eat).

You're not trying to memorize anything or learn hard skills during this time. You're only trying to become more familiar with people working in a kitchen so it doesn't feel as alien and maybe not quite as scary.

Do that regularly for a while. If it's too much for you: dial it back. You do want to push your boundaries but only when you're feeling ok about it. Small wins will turn into more small wins and eventually you might be interested in trying to cook something.

If that happens, and I suspect it will, know that it is OK to start cautiously and take your time learning how to use the oven and stove top. Try turning a burner on with no pan or pot on top. Let it get hot. Turn it off. Let it cool down. Repeat that across a few days if the first one helps you.

Once you're comfortable you should do that practice again and add water to a pan until its half full. Once the burner is hot: place your pan of water on top of the stove burner. Let the water come to a boil. Remove the pan from the stove top. Let the pan and water cool down. Note how much water is missing (some of it will have steamed away while boiling). Add that much water back to the pan and practice this again.

You can build your experiences, step by step, with safe extensions and new footholds, until you're feeling confident about cooking something with the boiling water. You're going to boil an egg!

Complete your practice again but instead of taking the water off right after it boils: leave it on the burner for 6 minutes. Then remove it and let it cool. Success? Do that again using a pot instead of a pan. Pot half full of water. Grab a serving spoon or similar item. Once the water comes to a boil:

1. Lower the burner temperature to half / medium. The water should be moving and steamy but the bubbles should be very gentle or cease. Dropping the egg into actively boiling water may cause the egg to crack prematurely.
2. Use the serving spoon to gently place the egg in the center of the boiling water.
3. Wait six minutes.
4. Remove the pot of water from the burner.
5. Turn the burner off.
6. Use the serving spoon to lift the egg out of the hot water.
7. Run the egg under cold water (this helps it from over cooking and helps make peeling easier).
8. Enjoy your egg.

You can absolutely boil any kind of pasta, lots of vegetables, and almost all starchy foods. Boiling is very safe because the water regulates the temperature for us. So long as there is water in the pot the pot is unable to meaningfully exceed 100 degrees Celsius (the boiling point of water / ~212F). It is very difficult to burn anything or start a fire while boiling water.

Best of luck my friend.

Might be worth picking up some fire safety equipment if that might give you some peace of mind and reduce that barrier a little. Not talking about parking a shiny red fire truck in your driveway but a small kitchen fire extinguisher shouldn't be too hard to come by. There are also stovetop extinguisher canisters that go off automatically when exposed to intense heat (fine for normal cooking but intended to be activated by an uncontrolled fire).

If you haven't seen it already, I'd also recommend watching a video or two about how to control grease fires. Reading about it is one thing but seeing the demonstration of why not to use water really drives the point home. Scary for sure but the other side of it is that you learn how to handle one of the worst-case scenarios so it can be a confidence boost moving forward.

Convenience appliances? You can do a lot with a microwave oven, air fryer and coffee maker, without any flame, or really any exposed hot surfaces

First, it's OK to not cook. If you are getting by alright without cooking, there's nothing wrong with that.

Second, I respect you coming here and admitting your fear. Ironically it takes a lot of bravery to do that!

Third, irrational fears and anxieties are a normal part of the human experience. Everybody has them, so though it can feel like you're being stupid, you're really just being human (though some might say that's two ways of saying the same thing).

Fourth, I'm not a therapist or medical professional but the treatment for phobias I am aware of are CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy), and exposure therapy. You can find CBT and ACT workbooks that might be helpful. As for exposure therapy, I think it's best to work with a professional doing that. Exposure therapy is not just taking the plunge, there's a process to it. Of course, if you can afford it, talking to a mental health professional is always best.

Good luck!

I just have a fear I might mess up somehow and start a fire or something

It takes some effort to start a fire. Most oils flash points are >600 F, which you might get a pan to to sear a steak, but to heat a pan of oil for deepfrying or something to >600 F, which would be a dangerous situation, requires you to continue heating it after it started billowing smoke between ~350F and ~525.

In any case, if you manage to have an oil fire, say by spilling some on the burner, just let it burn out if it's a small amount or turn off the heat and throw a towel over it if it's like a cup's worth.

Minor burns aren't uncommon when you're learning, but that's just a very quick way to learn "wrap the handle of the cast iron you just took out of the oven with a towel so you don't grab it like a moron" or "use tongs to place things on hot oil so it doesn't splatter on your hand"

I am a software engineer by trade, so when I started cooking, everything and every tool was intimidating, because I had no idea how it worked nor what it was meant for. I knew nothing about knives besides not to drop one, didn't know the difference between a wok and a skillet, and didn't understand how oil creates a non-stick surface on a non-non-stick pan.

What helped me was a book that wasn't like a recipe or cook book, but something closer to a food and kitchen textbook. The Food Lab by Kenji Lopez-Alt goes into some excruciatingly scientific detail about the role of different kitchen implements, and then showcasing recipes that apply theory to practice. Each step in the recipes thoroughly describe what to do, and the author puts a lot of content onto his YouTube channel as well.

It was this book that convinced me to buy, strip, and season a cast iron pan, which has already proven its worth as a non-sticking vessel comparable to my old Teflon-coated pans. And I think for you, reading the theory and following some of the recipes might develop sufficient experience to at least be comfortable in an active kitchen. It's very much a chicken-and-egg problem -- if you'll pardon the poultry pun -- but this book might be enough to make progress in the kitchen.

Also, since it was published in 2015, it's very likely available at your local library, so check there first before spending money to buy the book. Good luck with your culinary development!

You might mess up! That's normal. Even experienced professionals do. That might be part of your apprehension? Like, if those experienced professionals can goof up, imagine what an inexperienced person might do?

But, the reality is that you'll mess up the same when you mess up. It'll be a little cut here, a little singe there. Your kitchen won't explode, you won't catch on fire. All in all, you stop thinking of some things as mess-ups and start thinking of them as just a normal outcome.

Here's what I would recommend doing if you want to practice in safe ways:

• Practice mixing drinks. Not necessarily cocktails! Like, mix some herbs and juice in with a club soda. Tada, that's cooking.
• Practice making salads with take-home kits. Add some vinegar or oil and herbs in addition to what you've got out of the kit.
• Make hot drinks: teas, coffees, things like that. Eventually start making your own syrups for them: look up simple syrup recipes and infusions.
• Get frozen pizzas or other frozen foods. Buy extra shredded cheese and Italian seasoning. Cook them as normal except add the cheese and seasoning on top before you do.

Here's what I would recommend if you want to increase your own personal safety:

• Get a fire extinguisher and put it somewhere obvious in your kitchen.
• Look for "cut resistant" gloves. They help protect your hands when you're working with knives and stuff.
• Get some timers with magnets on them and practice using them. The most likely way something'll catch fire is if you're distracted and timers will help you avoid that.
• Get some silicone mitts and handles for the oven. They're incredibly heat resilient!

I'd also maybe just say familiarize yourself with cooking enough to demystify it? Like, marathon watch Good Eats or Iron Chef or something? Put it on in the background while you do other stuff, and just get used to seeing kitchens and food in action?

Fundamentally though this might be worth talking to a therapist about, because it could be that you've got some kind of reason (maybe more rational than you imagine) to have this apprehension. If that's the case the first step is, honestly, talking it out with someone and not ignoring it and forcing yourself to do something you're uncomfortable with.

id start by using cooking tools that require low maintainance and skill (e. g crock pots, microwave, airfryer is next step up)

after that youd probably want something that minimuzes fire hazards, so id probably start by cooking using induction cooking ware. since it itself does not generate a fire, the only way you could actually do one is if the physical food itself burns.

start with soups on induction cookware because itd be very hard pressed to start a fire when youre cooking some soup on it.

Take a cooking class. Learn how to manage a kitchen fire with a fire blanket or extinguisher and get one of each. Start practicing. You'll burn stuff and make food that's no good but you'll get better. Start simple with stuff like pasta.

Use induction or electric stoves. They don’t have a visible fire so that might help with your worry of starting one. But remember it can still happen of course, it just helps that you’re not seeing an actual fire while cooking. Like others said, you can also use other electric cookware like an airfryer, griddle, etc. Just make it a habit to be always present and not forget that you’re cooking something and you’ll avoid most burning/fire accidents.

I've started a fire in the kitchen. Not by messing up, but by using a toaster built in the 1950s and designed to toast bread as a secondary function to killing you. It was thirty seconds of horror, and then things were okay. The toast was in the sink under a stream of water and the toaster was unplugged.

It's important to realise that even if a fear comes true, things will be okay. Get a kitchen-suitable fire extinguisher. Learn to use it. Don't use death as an ingredient like I did. Understand that even if things go wrong, you'll fix it. Your ability to deal with shit is bigger than the shit you have to deal with.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQBUu3J2USA

Kitchen fires are scarier than they are difficult to deal with, if you are prepared and remain calm. You can see in this video how quickly and easily you can contain and extinguish the fire with just a baking sheet or a metal pot lid or just another pan. The real trouble happens when people panic or respond to the fire improperly, like splashing water onto it. It's also smart to keep a small fire extinguisher in your kitchen, just in case.

There is also a lot of food that you can cook that will have little to no risk of causing a fire (soup, curry, rice, pasta, braised meats, steamed vegetables, pretty much anything that is wet or contains a lot of water or is cooked with water/steam), although if you keep your kitchen clean and tidy, and use your stove burners on appropriate levels, there should be little risk of a fire anyway.

I have not, but why not start by helping someone else cook, or inviting someone over to help you cook?

It does sound like an unhealthy obsession not an actual cooking problem but if it's more like you just never did it and have built it up in your head, perhaps taking small steps and seeing that your fears are not fulfilled will deflate them.

I agree you don't necessarily need to cook, assembling can go a long way, but if you want to cook that is a very good reason to cook!

I will say - as an experienced home cook, shit does (rarely) happen so maybe also taking a kitchen safety class and getting fire suppression equipment would help, practicing what to do if something does happen so you don't panic at a small fire and let it become a big fire when it would have been easy to put it out.

Get a fire extinguisher. Keep it in your kitchen in a designated spot.

Start small. Learn to make ramen, mac and cheese, eggs.

Get practice before you start leaving the stove unattended. Have timers. Activate the hood fan. Learn to keep an eye on things. Don't start other activities you can't drop in a moment (like an online game) while cooking.

When you finish something, turn it off BEFORE taking it off/out. Double check.

::: spoiler If you have the features, learn how the timer system of your appliances works. My family has never figured them out and screws stuff up regularly because of inattention. I'm disabled and I know better than to trust myself. I set timers to start and stop stuff that is cooking in the oven. If I want something hot at a special time, I just set a delay timer that turns on my settings and then has a stop timer. If there is absolutely any doubt that a dish in the oven may leak, I place a pan on another lower rack to catch absolutely anything that might potentially leak. I tend to cook 2 weeks worth of food at one time in the oven and just arrange all the stuff so that the potential leaks are onto other safe stuff.

I also do not bother with recipes. Most ovens have terrible temperature controllers, so times and settings are largely useless in reality. My secret is to start with boring but edible food. In reality, you likely do not eat some great variety of foods. Fundamentally it is the same 2-4 meats (sorry vegans), bread, and some veggies. So I started by filling a large glass casserole pan with green beans, broccoli, and cauliflower, a second pan I fill with corn on the cob, a third I do a bed of sliced onion and a meat on top with seasoning, and I finally have a covered glass bowl for cooking two cups of rice. I eat this steamed rice for 2 days before making homemade fried rice. Well made fried rice will easily last the remainder of 2 weeks. The meal is mostly rice, with some veggies and a few ounces of meat. This is my only full meal each day. I cook that on whatever my oven calls 450° F for 1 h 20m. It does not require any oil or anything else. While it is edible like this, the last trick is to make a sauce with half a jar of mayo, about a quarter of the jar filled with the best teriyaki sauce you can find, and a small amount of sriracha sauce to taste. This sauce can be further improved slightly with any small amounts of savory sauces from pickling or fermentation or in more simple terms, the juices from a jar of whole olives, peppers, old alcohol, left over pan glazing stock, etc., or like Worcestershire or soy sauce if you have trouble with these abstractions.

Form a boring baseline of food, then start tuning this baseline to make it better over time. If you limit yourself to this kind of repetition, you'll eat much more consistently healthy, but also you'll really learn how to cook using abstracted information and a deeper understanding of your available tools.

I do this with everything. I occasionally make some cookies that just go in the oven. The whole preheating your oven thing is just an attempt to make recipes transferable. The controls on your oven are likely way off and the control algorithm or temperature switches are extremely inconsistent. People do not make these appliance purchases in general while shopping for these features. Therefore these corners are cut in most hardware. I just ate the same cookies enough to know exactly how long they cook for with my favorite properties. I cook them for 22 minutes at 475° F from a cold start. I can put that on a start and end timer and have hot cookies any time I want. If there is a high probability that I will not be present or available when they are done, 20 minutes at 450 will produce good results if they remain in the oven as it cools down.

Using the timers means you can never forget something in a way that is catastrophic. I don't recommended running an oven unsupervised, but you can take precautions to enable failsafes like pan under pan setups.

Take a cooking class. And/or maybe do it together wih some friens/relatives, so they can manage the responsibility and you can get familiar with the equipment.

What exactly are you afraid of? And is there a specific cause to that? If there is, that probably changes how to approach it.

What can you do to mitigate that fear? You obviously know there's some irrationality to it, but that doesn't mean that it would be invalid to try and dampen some of those concerns ^^

How about getting a little fire extinguisher for your kitchen? I'm confident with cooking, but I still always have one on hand just in case!

You can also try and experiment with what exactly your boundaries are. Are you comfortable making something like a soup/stew? Does it bother you to bake something? That might be more than enough for the start, and once you get comfortable with that you might even naturally want to level up to scarier stuff.

When it comes to fears, the only way to lose is not to try. Because every instance of avoiding something you're afraid of reinforces that fear by making you think that you successfully avoided a scary situation. Even if absolutely nothing would have happened otherwise.

Good luck!

I haven't been through this but I did cause a small oil fire in a pan once. Putting a kitchen cloth over that took care of it. You can buy special fire blankets. I think they should be in every kitchen even if you're not afraid. If you know not to put water on an oil fire they are just annoying, but they can damage your equipment.

So yeah, my advice would be to hang one of those blankets into your kitchen.

Main topic aside, what are you doing putting bread and butter together with a fork?

All the small appliance suggestions so far are great - they remove a lot of the danger and give you an easy place to start. Same for the safety items. Even with no fear, it is sensible to have an extinguisher and fire blanket in the kitchen.

When you feel that you are ready to start picking up knives and working with flame, do it with a friend or family member that is suitably understanding & willing to teach. Simply watching it done is still familiarising yourself with the process and hopefully reducing your fears.

My sister is the same way - I am teaching her slowly. We started with baking, as all the prep work is done cold with only one heating process. Not exactly healthy, but it it gets the ball rolling on working with heat.

It sounds like you may have obsessive compulsive disorder. I would encourage you to seek out a therapist who utilizes exposure and response prevention (ERP) as a treatment.