Asklemmy

When you see them, time slows down. Your palms get sweaty and it becomes difficult to form coherent thoughts. Your heart races with the swells of love and-

Oh wait that’s meth

Hey OP, have you ever heard of the Split Attraction Model (SAM)? I found myself with similar questions a few years ago, and since I have realised that there is other people who have had the same experience and that we actually have a name for the experience.

You stated that you feel aesthetic attraction, but have a difficult time figuring out wether you are "attracted" to people.

My suggestion is to look up Aromantic and Asexual identities. But that's totally up to you to decide if you want to. Aven and The Trevor Project are good places to start.

There are Aromantic and Asexual communities here on Lemmy, as well as Reddit. The latter being more populated and all being fairly welcoming (there are a few idiots who gatekeep), at least when I left Reddit.

Hope this helps.

For me, it's a primal thing, it's not something that's you think about. Like you see someone and it's not like you stop and think through things and decide that you want to do this or that with them. It's just this deep instinctual thing, you just want them. It's almost like hunger, it's not something you have control over, more it's controlling you in part

Physically... nothing. Not in the strict sense. I caution myself when mentioning I am asexual, people have so many misinterpretations around it, but typically it means we look at someone and don't feel attraction to "them". People talk about things like "look at his abs", "I fantasize about him after hours", etc. and that's not what comes to my mind. A good way of explaining it is, list every characteristic that can make you attracted to someone and then subtract all the things that will ever help you in the bedroom. That is asexuality.

However, that doesn't mean absolutely no physical feelings are possible/exist (the "a" in "asexual" exists in the same way as the "homo" in "homosexual", not the "para" in "parasexual") or that someone cannot develop profound mental/emotional feelings around someone. Many asexuals have turn-ons, often something that to an observer would seem completely mundane and which is a mentally ingrained theme mutually exclusive from any person it can be applied to. I feel like the whole atmosphere feels different under some situations as I look to someone. It feels like a total rush, though because of the asexuality, my mind doesn't connect the hypothetical situation to the other person being in a relationship with me.

As for mentally and emotionally, the few people who I might be able to count on are the only things that have any gravitational effect on me. I am drawn to them as they embody my thought processes and give my drift an anchor.

For me, ‘attraction’ is simply being physically attracted to them; a fluttering in the chest, so to speak, enjoying the eye candy…

When it changes to ‘love’ though, I found my thoughts to be more on wanting to take care of them, seeing them smile, being happy when they are happy. It goes beyond the superficial and the physical. I suppose the best way I can describe it is it makes my soul sing.

I think the Ancient Greeks, with their words for different kinds of love, were more on point with these sorts of things.

Chemistry is something different again. Lust and Love are all well and good, but you need more than that to make a relationship work. You need mental maturity on the part of both parties, the willingness to move beyond and work through problems, and something of a similar life trajectory in order to make love last.

For me it's two things: The Tingle and The Fizz.

The Tingle is an intellectual and emotional. If I see an attractive person do something nice, or they're extremely competent about something, especially if it's something I don't know a lot about, there's a flutter in my heart and a tingly electrical feeling in my brain. If they keep doing these things and don't do unattractive things, maybe I'll work up the nerve to ask them out.

The Fizz is more primal. James May explains it well.

I think chemistry and attraction are different. I'd say how attraction feels depends on how strong you feel it, but at its basic initial level you think they look good and would like to spend time alone with them to get to know them.

Chemistry I think is much deeper and has more layers. If you had chemistry in every way It implies that on a personality level you two see eye to eye on most major opinions, such as politically, hobbies, types of film genres or video games, you both like/dislike casual drinking or smoking weed, you both prefer dogs to cats, etc.

Basically chemistry, to me, is how smooth it is transitioning from living by yourself to with that person, how much of your everyday life decisions and your personality traits/humor naturally sync up.

A beautiful man is like a gorgeous painting to me. I don’t want to fuck that painting though, it’s just nice to look at. A beautiful woman on the other hand is like a massive meal after a fast. I’m filled with a consumptive desire influenced by the state of my body and my emotional experience. But ultimately it’s either my body taking the reins and telling me what I want, or me not being in the mood but knowing that’s what my body will want.

And it’s a multi sensory experience. Vision is nice, but omg scent, and touch, and the sound of her voice…

Chemistry is different. It’s the way you flow together. It acts as a multiplier. With good chemistry someone can go from somewhat attractive to very and bad chemistry can kill attraction. But it can’t make attraction from nothing.

I think it's a spectrum, ranging from being completely asexual to the other end of the range. Also, i would guess that the mind plays a big role in it too. For instance, people who have a very romantic nature - way of looking at relationships - will probably have other thoughts, feelings and expectations than people who are, say, more down to earth. It's probably a mixture of bodily sensations, personality (both yours and the other's) and mental thoughts about it.

Also, whether someone is open to attraction or not.

I would say to not let anyone or any book tell you what and how you are supposed to feel. Trying to put labels on oneself or others is not helpful at all.

OP, do you date? I'm similar to you in that I can't really feel attraction that way. I tried dating once forever ago and it just felt like I was lying to the other person because I couldn't feel the same way. So I never tried since. But sometimes things get lonely.

So I've wondered if it would be beneficial or not for someone like us to date.

Well, you are right that romance novels are not a realistic image of attraction.

I am not really attracted to guys based on their looks. Either they look good enough that I can be attracted to them IF they are otherwise attractive to me (in wit and kindness and the way they move, everything else that makes someone hot) or they don't look good enough and no matter how hot they are in other ways my brain has screened them out.

Humans, male, female or other, can be so beautiful physically and I can see it and want to look at them because they are beautiful. But that is entirely separate from the sexual attraction. There's nobody who looks good enough I could be attracted just by looks.

To me, romance feels like friendship without boundaries. It's not something I feel quickly or when I first see someone. It's something that has to develop over time, because it's based on friendship.

Physical attraction, it's desire... It's usually in the moment, and can and does occur with people I don't know. It's noticing their features... feeling my eyes drawn to them

What's interesting though is that I can experience romantic attraction to anyone (but it seems I'm more likely to experience it with women), but my physical attraction tends to be towards men and masc folk.

I don’t know. I haven’t been attracted to anyone in a long time :(

Most of the time, it feels to me just like a logical conclusion. Like "hmm, yes, this person has traits I generally find attractive. I am thus attracted to them."
There's of course a physical attribute to it too, where I feel strongly drawn to the person, but it feels more like the result of the previous logical conclusion rather than the source of the attraction itself.

The one and only exception to this that I've experienced thus far was my attraction to my wife. It was an instant click. My first thought after meeting her was that I needed to get closer with her. It's worth noting I didn't actually know what she looked like yet (we met online) and barely knew anything about her personality besides she was funny and apparently had similar hobbies to me (though I didn't know which hobbies, I'd just been told that.)
I didn't connect it as attraction at first though, because I'd never experienced attraction like that before. I just wanted to be really good friends with her. I was really happy whenever she showed up. I enjoyed every conversation I had with her way more than it felt like I should.
Then slowly those feelings grew, never changing, only getting stronger. At a certain point, when I started to realize every second I was away from her, I was wishing she was there, and every time I was sad or upset about something, she was the one I wanted to go to for comfort, it finally clicked that I was attracted to her, at least in some way.
It wasn't until we were already dating that it finally fully clicked that I'd been in love with her the whole time.
Physically I'd say my attraction to her felt... I guess like heart burn? That's the closest physical sensation I can think of. Like that, but not painful. Like a fullness in my chest every time I thought about her.

Also as far as chemistry and attraction goes, definitely different things. There are people I've been attracted to that I meshed horrifically with. Just because I like certain traits in theory doesn't mean I could actually stand those traits in practice.

I once felt this, I assumed I just found her pretty and so I liked her pretty much instantly but getting to know her was even better.

I think attraction is more or less instant and chemistry is a day to day thing.

I ended up having a normal relationship with someone else, and had I not known how different that is I also wouldn't be sure that the descriptions in books can be real. Just feeling like you belong somewhere and not wanting to move from there, it's a real feeling and it's blissful.

Idk, honestly. I might be ace, demi ace at least. Closest to attraction I've ever felt is interest due to vibes. Like, some people look like they could hold an interesting convo or might have cool hobbies. And not necessarily talking about how they dress or look, but because of how they carry themselves. Someone being traditionally beautiful does nothing for me.

Though I consider attraction to be different from chemistry. I've had chemistry with folk I'm not attracted to, and I've been "attracted" to people I have no chemistry with. The latter is the worst.

Attraction is a mindset as much as it is a feeling. It is tied to desire. Desire is what you want out of an imaginary relationship, so to say.

I see 3 kinds of romantic desires: sex, social status, and emotional intimacy (or friendship). The first is obvious, and is usually about appearance, but it can also be about what the sex will be about (kink, experience, whatever). Social status is more about how the relationship is perceived or what it can bring (regular family, social standing, money, religion,...). Last one is about friendship basically, that is being with someone and knowing this person.

The desires breed attraction. They can change over time, and you can suppress or exacerbate them. Some situations can also wake them like food can wake hunger.

If you want to avoid some problem relationships or if you seek deeper relationships, you'll feel less attraction from sight, simply because you'll need deeper knowledge and connections from a person to see what you desire and see the attraction grow.

As for how it feels, it depends on the desire it feeds from. And it depends on the situation and the person. It depends on the moment itself.

There, my model for all this.

Instant interest, yes. And, that can quickly lead to attraction, if you follow up on the interest and they reciprocate.

It's really easy to fall in love if both sides are ready and willing. That's why falling in love is chance and a numbers game. There is no special one person, it's just keep meeting new people and hope it happens.

I think the mistake most people make is limiting their choices too narrowly without good reason.