this post was submitted on 31 May 2024
868 points (97.3% liked)

Not The Onion

12358 readers
341 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] iiGxC 200 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Paying off porn stars by illegal methods in order to influence an election*

[–] Melatonin@lemmy.dbzer0.com 64 points 5 months ago (2 children)

Such a waste of money. Remember, he has "the most loyal people. Did you ever see that? Where I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters, okay? It’s like incredible!"

He should have just let her talk. Such a sucker.

[–] njm1314@lemmy.world 16 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (4 children)

I think that's probably the part that bugs him the most, well other than the idea that he's accountable for his crimes and can be caught cuz I'm sure that bugs him more than anything else, but I mean the idea that he didn't need to do any of this. That must eat him up inside. At the time this started he had no idea how much power he would have over his masses of morons. Now he knows that he could pay off 100 porn stars and and they wouldn't bat an eye.

load more comments (4 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] GoosLife@lemmy.world 144 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Yes, that is how laws are supposed to work.

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 75 points 5 months ago (3 children)

YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Everyone is making fun of the way this is phrased, with it's history. "Oh, if I can be caught with a pornstar, and falsify business documents in an attempt to influence the election, so can ANYONE!". That's the way everybody is mocking this quote, with the mockery being how out of touch he is from the real world.

But what's somehow being lost, and is even more insane, is that what he's actually saying is even worse.

He's saying "If I, donald trump, former (and in his mind future) president, and financially elite white male with power can be made held accountable for his crimes, than so can ANY OF YOU! If they can reach me, they can reach you with your crimes! Let's change their ability to prosecute me, and put things back in order, so I can protect you when they come for you............unless you're anything besides a rich white naturally born american citizen, in which case fuck you."

That's the extended full paraphrasement of what he's saying.........and in my mind it's even more batshit crazy than what everybody is actually mocking him for.

The idea that basically he, and his kind are at the top of the ladder, and it's a better ladder than anyone else. It's supposed to be an untouchable ladder, but they touched the guy at the top of the rotting ladder. They touched him 34 times. So now they can touch anyone.

That's his logic and it's insane to me.

[–] Mastengwe@lemm.ee 11 points 5 months ago (1 children)

I disagree. And it’s even worse than you suggest I think….

I’m pretty sure what he means, is that in his mind- he truly did nothing wrong. Like, he completely believes he is innocent. He thinks he is a victim of bias and targeted attacks.

And so what he’s saying, is that the “evil” democrats will find you guilty of shit you didn’t do if you challenge them politically.

It’s horseshit- but I’m pretty sure this is what he’s trying to get at.

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 9 points 5 months ago (2 children)

I politely disagree.

That would imply that trump isn't so much an evil person as he is an innocent bumbling idiot with good intentions (in his own mind). I would be empathetic, at least partially, to him if that were the case.

I don't believe trump is stupid. Well.....I do but in a different way. I believe trump knows right from wrong, and since birth has been taught that wrong gives you better advancements in life.

Where I think he's an idiot is in his own self belief that he's so high and mighty that the peasants couldn't fathom his intellect. And every choice he makes to improve his own (and only his own) life is about the dumbest way possible.

Essentially I view him in very similiar light as elon musk. Just lucky enough to be born into the right family, just smart enough to understand how to run the rackets and schemes, but just dumb enough to be perpetually on the cliff of a financial and career suicide if he takes even one false step. Then blames everyone else for him having walked to and/or off the cliff (if that happens).

Same way I never believed bush was stupid either. I think bush is smarter and more evil that trump. But they're on the same road. Bush just had more gas to drive farther down the road than trump did (and hopefully this is as far as he goes).

[–] Mastengwe@lemm.ee 9 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

Oh, he’s definitely evil. As evil as it gets. That’s what I’m saying. He thinks he is allowed to do the things he’s done because he’s some conservative equivalent of our all-powerful king. He believes he is above the law. Not innocent… but exempt.

And therefore, if his sworn enemy- what we call “law and order,” can come after him- then in his mind- no one is safe.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] variants@possumpat.io 6 points 5 months ago (1 children)

He's sad that he isn't as high on the ladder as he thought

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] lemmylommy@lemmy.world 117 points 5 months ago (3 children)

Paying off pornstars is fine. You just can’t falsify business records for it.

[–] AmidFuror@fedia.io 39 points 5 months ago

Former President Donald Trump has a dire warning for any American citizen who paid off a porn star with whom he or she had an extramarital affair and paid off as part of an NDA to keep it out of the news and failed to legally account for it during a bid for President appropriately: if HE can be found guilty for that, so can you!

[–] flamingo_pinyata@sopuli.xyz 18 points 5 months ago

Pornstars are legitimate entertainers that bring at least something positive to the society. Unlike Donald Trump.

[–] Sunforged@lemmy.ml 6 points 5 months ago

Yeah that's what he's warning us about, it can happen to anyone!

[–] InternetUser2012@midwest.social 113 points 5 months ago (2 children)

I'll remember this if I ever find myself in the position to cheat on my pregnant wife with a pornstar and then run for president.

[–] psycho_driver@lemmy.world 12 points 5 months ago

I'm afraid you're already behind the curve if you weren't born to an obscenely wealthy father.

[–] Jolteon@lemmy.zip 12 points 5 months ago (2 children)

No, I think he means that even if you don't run for president, it might affect you if you've cheated on your pregnant wife with a pornstar.

[–] Senshi@lemmy.world 17 points 5 months ago

That alone sadly is not even the issue. Only when stealing from the government comes in, you can expect to actually get prosecuted.

Trying to pawn off the expenses on your company balance and committing tax fraud, then paying off people to not tell about your tax fraud, that's what gets you.

[–] Allero@lemmy.today 5 points 5 months ago

Sounds just about right

[–] Hikermick@lemmy.world 106 points 5 months ago (2 children)

The irony in all of this is that if he had just paid her out of his own pocket it wouldn't have been an issue. Like they say the cover up is worse than the crime or noncrime in this case. Also ironic is he didn't have to cover it up as the evangelicals don't seem to care he cheated on his wife with a porn star. A perfect example of why we don't need morality police telling us how to live

[–] pivot_root@lemmy.world 24 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Reminds me of a certain Mr. "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." Nobody gave a fuck that he did it; they were upset he hid it.

[–] seth@lemmy.world 24 points 5 months ago

The evangelicals were outraged that Clinton did it, and equally outraged that he lied about it. They made a huge stink about how he had no decorum and was sullying the office. Of course, he was a Democrat who wanted to reduce the national deficit with the budget surplus, but they still hated him and wouldn't vote for him. Consistent with the most cherished doctrine of evangelicalism - hypocrisy - they had and still have no problem with Trump's inability to do anything honest, just like they had no problem with the other Republicans.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] eran_morad@lemmy.world 104 points 5 months ago

that’s the whole point you stupid traitor cunt

[–] Potatos_are_not_friends@lemmy.world 54 points 5 months ago (2 children)

I have a good relationship with my porn star.

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 14 points 5 months ago (5 children)

Ugh.....I don't. I tried to see if she made any videos I hadn't seen before, found her twitter, and discovered she's a huge racist and trump thumper.

Now I feel icky knowing I jerked off to a woman who is so full of vile and hate.

load more comments (5 replies)
[–] RamblingPanda@lemmynsfw.com 4 points 5 months ago

I don't know mine yet, but I sure hope it'll be a woman.

[–] psycho_driver@lemmy.world 54 points 5 months ago (2 children)

Absolutely chilling. Who would want to be held accountable for their actions?

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] AgentGrimstone@lemmy.world 52 points 5 months ago

GOOD. We're on the same page then. The rules apply to everyone like it should be.

[–] RememberTheApollo_@lemmy.world 42 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Really?

Most Americans have access to campaign funds they can misuse?

Damn tired of the press making this a porn star thing and not a campaign fund thing.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Badeendje@lemmy.world 35 points 5 months ago (1 children)

The headlines should not be hushmoney it should be financial fraud to influence the election.

[–] kbin_space_program@kbin.run 10 points 5 months ago (2 children)

The rich absolutely want to codify that they have a set of rules "worthy of their position" and the corporate media is being forced to tow that line.

[–] radix@lemmy.world 31 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Falsification of business records is apparently a "trivial matter" to a certain kind of person with government contracts.

[–] InternetUser2012@midwest.social 11 points 5 months ago

Let him be next.

[–] asteriskeverything@lemmy.world 4 points 5 months ago

Fuck yeah, sing it!

(Also fwiw it is toe the line, like in sports is the reference. It also is an extremely easy typo to make that autocorrect won't recognize!)

[–] cosmicrookie@lemmy.world 35 points 5 months ago

Its more like if you pay a porn star and file it as company expenses at your work

Yeah then anyone should be prosecuted

[–] SpaceCowboy@lemmy.ca 26 points 5 months ago (2 children)

Shit... I need change my plans about using campaign donations to pay off that porn star I banged at the golf course I own.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] Melatonin@lemmy.dbzer0.com 23 points 5 months ago (1 children)
[–] xantoxis@lemmy.world 11 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Unless you're running for president, you're probably safe, too.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] jaybone@lemmy.world 19 points 5 months ago (2 children)

I want to pay off porn stars :(

[–] Dagwood222@lemm.ee 8 points 5 months ago (1 children)

If you're going to fantasize go big!

Tell yourself that they want to pay you!!

[–] smeenz@lemmy.nz 4 points 5 months ago (1 children)
load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] CileTheSane@lemmy.ca 14 points 5 months ago

Trump saying the quiet part out loud: "If anyone is immune to repercussions it's supposed to be ME!"

[–] dumbass@leminal.space 14 points 5 months ago

LPT: When paying hush money to a pornstar so she won't make fun of your weird dick or that you wanted her to pretend to be your daughter, make sure to ALWAYS use your own money to pay them off.

[–] postnataldrip@lemmy.world 10 points 5 months ago

Wow, crazy

/quietly withdrawing presidential bid

[–] niktemadur@lemmy.world 7 points 5 months ago

LOCK HIM UP!
LOCK HIM UP!
LOCK HIM UP!
LOCK HIM UP...!

[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 7 points 5 months ago

That's the point. Break laws, face consequences. It damn well better work that way for everyone.

[–] casmael@lemm.ee 7 points 5 months ago

I’ll bet you $10 they were trying to claim tax relief on the money they used to pay the pornstar as well

[–] Dreizehn@kbin.social 4 points 5 months ago (1 children)

I hope the Crying 45 reveals more dirt and he might drag some people into the same shithole with him.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] limelight79@lemm.ee 4 points 5 months ago

His fans: "Wow! That could have been me!"

[–] Sam_Bass@lemmy.world 3 points 5 months ago

Almost like he had a revelation

load more comments
view more: next ›