As I've gained more and more close friends, more than I've ever had in my life, and some closer than I've ever had in my life, I've come to realize something recently. Despite the prevailing feeling like I want a relationship, I don't actually know why it is I want one, nor what I have to gain from one.

Many of my friends nowadays are in fact either people who have rejected me romantically, or are exs that things just didn't work out with but we found we made better friends. And that's been the case with getting rejected too. I just end up enjoying the friendship so much, and getting so much out of it, that I just start to wonder why I ever wanted anything more than that. And what even is more than that?

Maybe everybody else has already realized this by my age, and my sheltered religious upbringing has just held me back a few years again, but I've started seriously considering, with every new crush, if they'd actually be any better for me as a partner instead of just a friend, and I've found that the answer, thus far, has always been no.

I guess the only thing that still has me wondering is, well, what does a romantic relationship offer that friendship doesn't? My friends already love me, and tell me all the time. They already care for me in ways I used to think only a partner would, and I do my best to care for them too. I still desire a romantic relationship for some reason, but I just can't see what there is to gain anymore.

The universe has a strange way of fucking with one. In my experience, long and frustrating lulls where nothing happens are punctuated with "oh, you didn't like that? Well, here's everything at once."

I should open with that I am not looking for advice; I've already made up my mind. I'm looking to commiserate and vent.

Requisite backstory: Through a series of events much like what I described with getting back into journalism not too long ago, we met. This required my former boss, the lesbian who was my first real girlfriend, my parents, friends of my parents having moved to Oregon and, oh yes, I-5 freezing the day after said boss was done with me couchsurfing and we disagreed over "by the weekend." She was on the coast and I needed to get to Tacoma two days later.

We'd been talking on OKCupid for at most two weeks. I looked at my options and determined nonfrozen roadway would be preferable, so I sent a very short message: "Fancy a visitor?"

This was 2009, and she felt it was safe because to her mind, there was no way I was straight (bleached hair at 30, amirite?). We've now been divorced for eight years. I'm not going to talk about what went right or wrong. It is firmly in the past, and we have worked in recent years to get back on speaking terms, which varies in efficacy, usually depending on her inebriation level, which is itself horrifically ironic.

So, after she offered to mail me an ounce in April and then went completely silent, with no ounce showing up, she finally popped up last night. She's about an hour away through the week before likely heading to Connecticut for an unknown period of time. No car -- she's going to figure out the transport down here -- but nonetheless, distilled, knowing that I live in a van with a bed too small for two people who aren't fucking: "Fancy a visitor?"

And the reality is I do. Said that once before ...

But wait, there's more! I'd already interacted with her in 2004, when she had a different account. Learned that one the day I moved into her house five days after meeting (which was a drive) and she showed me an old photo. Of her. Wearing what's in retrospect a rather pedestrian collar for something that actually has cone spikes.

I can only say this in retrospect, because I went full Paul Hogan for the wedding after commissioning two artists: That's not a collar ...

She fucking wears her wedding collar to this day (you want it to last, you want a blacksmith; also, be aware that a leather backing can cause cysts). And kept my name. So, you know, it's not entirely out of the blue that after all this time ...

It's the surprise of it all. Even though it really shouldn't be surprising. So, maybe it's just the timing.

I've never been a reporter.

You might think this is how one gets into journalism, but there are a few roads. Mine was columnist, copyed, opinion editor, running the fucking paper.

As I start my third week as a reporter, there's much that is just strange. My reporters never deigned to tell me I was wrong, but I frequently tell my editor as much.

"Look, we don't have a story here until DOE links what was in the press release" is apparently competence. Like, this is just obvious. No, I don't need praise for pointing out a glaring hole in a story.

I just wake up and am myself, and I'm somehow paid for this. Given all the bullshit surrounding corporate roles, I'm left agape at how this still exists and my ability to just slide into something I've never done.

do it today. its friday. its been a tough, weird week. baby steps i spose.

baby steps to the desk. baby steps to the task list. blech.

how are the rest of ya handling this fine weekend eve? any plans? i think i might finally get around to finishing TOTK

A discussion about the ethics of being a content creator or a fan and the implications of that influence.

Idk why I'm mentioning it but compared to a lot of other online platforms where if religion is being mentioned outside of a religious community it is really in your face on Lemmy it seems like when it is mentioned outside of that kind of community it seems relevant to whatever they are saying and are generally nice.

Its a nice change of pace.

~Anti~ ~Commercial-AI~ ~license~ ~(CC~ ~BY-NC-SA~ ~4.0)~

I post quite a bit here but it feels so damn quiet. Why?

I got inspired by this article to look into such a solution. I tend to use different browsers on different devices, so using one browser vendor everywhere is not the solution. Main reasons are storage space available, device performance and basically general opinion about a certain browser or another, that might change or not. I previously used the browser's native bookmarks importer tools, but I always ended messing up their structure, then switching back to a certain browser and re-exporting the same bookmarks and ending up with duplicates.

So I got into using third party services, but I'm unsure what to choose. Here's what I tried:

• start.me - I actually had an account here since when I tried Palemoon once. It's a really complete solution, that I can use to replace other services as well. You end up with a customizable web page, where you can add not only bookmarks, but also RSS feeds, notes, tasks, weather and whatever you can find on the web and embedd there. And since it's a start page (hence the name), you can easily access all these if you set your page as the home page of your browser. You can also create up to 3 start pages with a free account, so I can have one page as home page for desktop browsers, one the phone ones and maybe one for a tablet when/if I'm going to have one. This should sound like heaven, right? Problem solved. Well, not exactly. There's no way I can set up 2FA on my account there, and they are not so private - they collect user data to show you ads (especially if you're a non-paying customer).
• Courtesy of my Fedi server, I also have a small Nextcloud account, with the Bookmarks app installed. I think this option is the most private option I have available, as I do not think my server admin would sell my data to a third party or whatever 😁. It's also the most limiting one, being able to only save up to 200 bookmarks, but since I am not using bookmarks as a reading list, only for saving interesting websites or apps, I think I am fine. However, I need the Floccus app installed on my phone (not sure if the UI of the Bookmarks app is manageable enough on mobile) to access the bookmarks. I did not find any way to display these bookmarks in an overview of some sort on the web, that I can set as a home page, similar to how start.me functions (even without all the extra stuff that is non-bookmark related). Maybe there is something that I am missing?
• I was also eyeing Raindrop.io as an option. It has lots of features and integrations, add-ons for basically every mainstream browser, 2FA (just like Nextcloud). I do not have an account there, unlike the other options, however. And I also don't see a way to see these bookmarks as a dashboard or something that can be set as a home page. Am I missing something? I also see they are heavily advertising their smartphone app, so if there's no integration that I can set on IFTTT or the likes, I don't think I have any solution for this.

So, if you were me, which solution would you choose? Is there anything that does what at least one of these options does, minus the drawbacks mentioned?

Edit: I am also okay with using my personal cloud storage accounts for something like this.

Archive link

So, this isn't news, nor is it science, per se. But I wanted to share here because I was one of those kids from about 2 to 4. As mentioned in the story, it of course all faded thereafter, but I could talk at length about my life in Texas even though I had never been. My parents found it odd but not entirely outside expectations.

The last thing I want to do is redundantly post, but as my new role proceeds apace, I'm aware that this site, the admins and mods believing in me was crucial to being able to land my new role.

I now write the sort of no-bullshit stuff that I used to run. The audience is ~~listening~~ different, but I spent much of my day interacting with a professor who was just awarded a grant to create a stochastic model of future grid resilience by DOE.

Instead of a daily story, I now have an enterprise piece on my hands. Dude expected from my questions, which led to getting his phone number, that I had an advanced degree.

After invoicing banal transportation and warehousing in my prior role, this is an improvement. And without the support of this community in reaffirming (I hate that word) my ability to commit journalism, I'm not certain I would have gotten here.

What I learned in starting this role is that you need to rope everyone who cares about you into next steps. My former assistant at Gannett got me the interview, my second ex-wife shot $150 my way to eat while sorting all this out, and once I'd gotten here, my parents were once again happy to assist in short-term financial aid.

Beehaw was a significant piece of the puzzle, and I thank y'all for getting me back on track.

busy as usual, currently reading Alt-America (David Neiwert)

There was a weird moment a few years back.

"If you could do anything you wanted to, what would it be?"

I had no answer. Anything?

Then came the rent hike. Had to get rid of the cat, as I could no longer afford food. So, as one does, I bought a stepvan.

If you've never set up a 24V house system in a vehicle, I'd encourage you to give it a try.

But, if you haven't, and a friend asks for your resume, well, green energy as a beat is unlikely to fly.

Oddly, this did not apply ... because I had the background. Because I knew the secret handshakes.

So I'm again asked: "If you could do anything ..."

OK, fine, fine. You've got this solar setup. What if you could cover green energy and related tech?

Uh ... I'm pretty certain everyone on Beehaw would like this idea of an live journalist being involved with U.S, News., and I'm happy to report that journalism is out there.

The issue is it isn't coming from any "reputable" source. The sort of things the Times and Post put out no longer clear the bar.

This is a minor mea culpa about standards for !usnews. I'm not sure I can stand behind the expectations from merely nine months ago.

There's a dark joke there I'll refrain from making.

this week i am reading When McKinsey Comes to Town: The Hidden Influence of the World's Most Powerful Consulting Firm and i think i can speak with confidence when i say that i hope every McKinsey consultant chokes on a grape

I worked in the food industry for a while before returning back to school to get a degree in tech thinking it would be my path to a better life. While at first I thought where my career was taking me provided exactly that, I'm absolutely miserable working a corporate job in tech. I've seen several layoffs, AI is taking over, and the perpetual culture of playing several roles is killing me. I'm tired of being overworked, stressed, and given more and more responsibility for such trivial matters as selling more of X thing. This is not what I want to do for the rest of my life and I would way rather put in this type of effort for something worthwhile even if it means making less money.

The problem is I am so overwhelmed that it is hard to think of a way to change this. I keep saying I want to bring my experience to a non-profit or charitable cause, but I am unsure on how I can bring my tech/project management background to such a cause or how to sell myself in that way. I'm also debating going to get my masters to be more aligned with this change in career, but it's a similar case of not knowing the best route. For anyone out there who has made this type of career change regardless if it was in tech, I would appreciate any wisdom shared.

it's a bit of a busy week but i am currently reading I Want to Believe: Posadism, UFOs and Apocalypse Communism

What's something you love, and love describing or explaining to people who are new to that interest, hobby, or activity?

tuesday edition because i'm busy

Both here and on reddit communities/subreddits, especially big ones, is a difficult place to hold a discussion on the topic of that community. Take for example technology, I could enjoy to discuss anything from SR-IOV to maglev trains. But the technology subs are filled with business news of companies run by eccentric billionaires. Even when the news article is a somewhat interesting topic many "news" site are so filled with ads and autoplay videos I close them immediately.

I would enjoy seeing what other people have on there their mind, and see it bring interesting discussions. Instead all these communities drown in posts of links to news site. And the comment-section on those type of post isn't the right place for a "philosophical" discussions that would otherwise be on topic for that sub/community, but exactly align with topic of that post or news article.

Some old fashion webforum have a separate subforum-section dedicated to posting links to external sites, leaving that place open to actual discussion. Reddit have flairs, but few people use them. So still the problems remain that text post would drown in the hundreds of link posts, leaving the text-post empty.

What are your thoughts on this?

I hope this isn't too much negativity from my part. I would only like to see something better than what we have now.

It’s really a question. I was going to comment how the term sounds one-sided to me, decided to do a quick search and realized there’s some controversy to the idea. I’m from Brazil and we don’t have a term for that as far as I know, so there might be a linguistic component to the sentiment I have as well.

If I say someone is my ally, I’m automatically their ally. Right? We have a common cause, even if the specifics may differ. Or we have a single goal, mission, vision, desire, and so on. We are allies, we are together. Then we have this concept of ally that seems to exist to denote a separation. I’m an ally because I’m other. Or, I’m an ally because I don’t have the same experiences, therefore I can’t speak from the same place you stand.

The idea we have to understand we speak from different places is important, but drawing a line in the cause and putting allies to one side is weird. Let me put it this way. Instead of sounding like “understand your situation is different than my own”, it sounds more like “know your place”.

How do you feel about that? Am I missing something?

Please be kind with me as I am new to this platform. I was at a club when a very handsome guy, totally my type, started dancing with me. I don't know what gave me the courage to take the half finished beer from his hand and take a sip of it without asking. I then gave his beer back to him, and he said he had to go but will be right back. It was an excuse to stop dancing with me since he just stayed put in his friend group without going anywhere. I've been feeling really bad after that happened and would have danced the night away with him if I could. And now I have no idea what his name or phone number is, just keep replaying that night in my mind.

What is your opinion on a woman taking a man's beer and having a sip without asking? Is it such an awful gesture that his sudden rejection was warranted? Was he angry, scared off, or just thought I was easy? I am not that type of person and had no ill intentions whatsoever. I just acted on natural impulse and was trying to be flirtatious. Thank you for any advice and comfort.

My list would be

1. Refused - New noise

2. Gates - Bloom

3. Ayla - Ayla (Taucher remix)

4. Tiesto - Elements of life

5. Bobby McFerrin - Don't worry be happy