Fair cop.

Certainly do-able, but perhaps more of an adventure than anticipated. On the other hand, trackball works surprisingly well once you adapt.

Mayhap a Charybdis variant?

I'm good with that if it's prolonging the non-violent phase of the conflict, preferably to infinity...

Probably an instant hire from me if it's pulled off in any significant way...

Swap with fn in BIOS...

Pretty much large chunks of the Villain Support channel. Here's a classic to get you started...

Bones hated the transporter, and he's the one who deals with the failures...

Cyberpunk was a warning, not a guide.

Wow, that's significantly worse than I thought at first blush. Basically straight up permission to murder any man in the company of your wife.

Turn the captured carbon into building materials somehow?

So, trees ...

I don't route all my system's traffic through Gluetun, my threat model doesn't need it, I just route relevant apps, e.g. package management is in the clear but firefox, SearXNG, and nicotine go via gluetun. SSH can look after itself, or I'm in dire trouble. If my threat model did need it, I'd be considering a similar solution to yours, but it'd be heavily cribbed from the known good of gluetun, basically the docker (podman) put to bare metal.