this post was submitted on 12 Aug 2024
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

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[–] CarbonIceDragon@pawb.social 163 points 3 months ago (4 children)

As a former cashier (grocery store not walmart admittedly, but I doubt things are that different), I dont think weird uses for the items are the way to go, the cashier is barely even going to notice or care what you're buying. what I bring to freak out the cashier, are some item that needs ID to buy, some big heavy item with the barcode removed so that it will take a bunch of lifting and turning in a hopeless effort to find it before someone eventually has to go find another one and bring it over, and a propane refill if walmart does those (at my grocery store the process to go find a full one was a pain, especially in the winter since they were outside). Further, I try to buy these items with the help of a ton of expired and unexpired coupons mixed together, several gift cards, and a stubborn half-deaf old person who wont take no for an answer.

[–] Mpatch@lemmy.world 103 points 3 months ago (1 children)

You are a fucking monster. The point of this was to have some laughs not cause a poor walmart employee to beat their spouse or off them selves. Damn you're cruel.

[–] CarbonIceDragon@pawb.social 57 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Hey, it could always get worse. I could also specify that these items are purchased on a Sunday that a locally favored football team happens to be playing a game, during the rush of people buying snacks and soda.

[–] AmosBurton_ThatGuy@lemmy.ca 15 points 3 months ago

ಠ_ಠ

ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

┬──┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ)

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻)

[–] Buddahriffic@lemmy.world 24 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Would it be more or less frustrating if instead of an old person, it's a middle aged person who clearly doesn't understand the language but keeps smiling and nodding as if you're on the same page and any time you try to prompt for information, they encouragingly push their items towards you or try to pay you in a currency you don't recognize?

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[–] programmer_belch@lemmy.dbzer0.com 66 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I'm going with the classic:

Pringles can

Gloves

Sponge

[–] bobs_monkey@lemm.ee 24 points 3 months ago (1 children)
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[–] Fullyloadedsnowflake@lazysoci.al 52 points 3 months ago (2 children)
[–] thenextguy@lemmy.world 55 points 3 months ago (4 children)

You can't buy Kentucky at Walmart.

[–] alester82@lemmy.world 21 points 3 months ago

Oh, I thought they sold it by the Florida ounce

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[–] TheOakTree@lemm.ee 38 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (2 children)

How to end up on a watchlist:

Pressure cooker, nails, prepaid phone

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[–] masterofn001@lemmy.ca 36 points 3 months ago

Gun, bleach, get well card.

[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 36 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (2 children)

Kid's backpack, kid's lunchbox, and a gun.

The back to school in America special.

[–] Dudewitbow@lemmy.zip 28 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

bleach, ammonia based cleaner, mixing container.

uh oh, accidental chloramine gas bomb

reminder people, do NOT mix bleach with ammonia based cleaners to "speed up cleaning". youll accidentally speed up life

[–] ryannathans@aussie.zone 8 points 3 months ago (7 children)

Why doesn't this happen when I piss in bleach

[–] roguetrick@lemmy.world 16 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Brother if you're pissing straight ammonia you've got other problems. Your body specifically coverts ammonia to urea because it's toxic to you and it's usually bacteria that converts it back.

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[–] Fedegenerate@lemmynsfw.com 28 points 3 months ago

Mop, wire coat hanger, pregnancy test.

[–] don@lemm.ee 28 points 3 months ago (2 children)
[–] ValorieAF@lemmy.world 17 points 3 months ago

Ah the old JD Vance

[–] pineapplelover@lemm.ee 12 points 3 months ago (2 children)
[–] don@lemm.ee 12 points 3 months ago
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I'm good at this

Alligator clamps
Belt
Laxatives

Shipping boxes
Meat cleaver
Adult diapers

Birth control
Bucket
Bleach

Night vision goggles
Fingerless gloves
Bubble bath

Massager
Leather boots
Farady cage EMP bag

Zip ties
Meat grinder
Swim goggles

Funnel
Butt lifting suit
Rope

Prescription strength deodorant
Dog crate
Sorry for your loss card

Wooden cross
Ammo
Jock strap

Okay, actually it's just a script I wrote.

[–] SGG@lemmy.world 24 points 3 months ago (2 children)

The easy-way-to-end-up-with-a-police-visit classic:

  1. Plan B pill

  2. Giant "9" balloon

  3. Vodka.

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[–] Jiggle_Physics@lemmy.world 23 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (7 children)

I once bought 50 cans of butane. That caused a stir. Managers got involved, I was asked a whole bunch of questions about what I was doing, it was annoying.

Oh yeah, also had a similar experience with spray paint.

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[–] Flax_vert@feddit.uk 23 points 3 months ago (6 children)

Gun, ammunition, balaclava

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[–] Fullyloadedsnowflake@lazysoci.al 22 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I think some of you have never been to Walmart and give the employees way too much credit in the intelligence department

[–] Theharpyeagle@lemmy.world 48 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I mean it's more likely that they just don't give a shit anymore.

[–] merc@sh.itjust.works 16 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Yeah, your weird items are probably not even the weirdest the cashier has seen today. And the cashiers are probably barely paying attention to what the items are anyway. They just don't care. They scan the item, the machine beeps, so they put it on the belt. I bet 90% of the time if you asked a cashier what the last item they scanned was, they wouldn't have any idea.

[–] CurlyWurlies4All 11 points 3 months ago

This is accurate to my experience when I worked at the supermarket.

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[–] MeatPilot@lemmy.world 16 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Sodium Hydroxide, hacksaw, large trash can

[–] PenisDuckCuck9001@lemmynsfw.com 11 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

In the era of ai and facial recognition, this is the only one so far that seems like it could plausibly get you a knock on the door from law enforcement. Good job.

[–] Maggoty@lemmy.world 16 points 3 months ago (5 children)

Car battery

Jumper cables

Duct tape

If you get a bonus then bleach, lye, or tarp rounds it out. Have fun talking to the local police!

[–] Fullyloadedsnowflake@lazysoci.al 22 points 3 months ago (14 children)

None of this would attract attention, this is what you would buy to work on an old car. You don't get out much do you? 🤣

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[–] Etterra@lemmy.world 16 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Whiskey, hammer, baby rattle.

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[–] Kowowow@lemmy.ca 14 points 3 months ago

Chlorine, ammonia and a large plastic tub

[–] Upperhand@lemmy.world 14 points 3 months ago

Rope, duck tape, and a tarp.

[–] Mycatiskai@lemmy.ca 13 points 3 months ago (5 children)

Shovel, biodegradable garbage bags and zip ties.

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[–] dohpaz42@lemmy.world 12 points 3 months ago (2 children)

I’m very disappointed. I couldn’t find any cardboard tubes at my local Walmart.

Anyway:

  1. Cardboard tube, at least 3” in diameter
  2. Gerbil food
  3. Candlesticks
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[–] Sir_Fridge@lemmy.world 12 points 3 months ago

Small plastic bags, rubber bands and viagra. (does Walmart sell viagra?)

[–] bionicjoey@lemmy.ca 12 points 3 months ago

Toaster, bathtub plug, pop tarts

[–] NegativeInf@lemmy.world 11 points 3 months ago

"The 100 piece puzzles were too hard..."

[–] Eiri@lemmy.world 10 points 3 months ago

Screws, hammer, sledgehammer

[–] NuWuX@sh.itjust.works 10 points 3 months ago (4 children)

A gallon of blood, tampons, and a Popsicle kit.

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[–] Grayox@lemmy.ml 10 points 3 months ago

Apples, razor blades, carmel

[–] hOrni@lemmy.world 8 points 3 months ago

Couch, lube, a Barry White album.

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