Ask Lemmy

A duck walks into a bar wearing one shoe. The bartender says "hey buddy, you lost a shoe" and the duck says "nah, I found one!"

• What’s brown and sticky?
• A stick

An underage weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says "sorry, I can't serve you alcohol, you're too young". The weasel replies that's ok, I'll drink something else. The bartender says "well I have water, soda pop, and cranberry juice, what'll it be?"

"Pop!" goes the weasel

How do think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

I called the wrong number today. I said 'Hello, is Joey there?'

A woman answered and she said 'Yes he is.'

And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’

She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.'

I said 'Alright, I’ll wait

I'm sorry for spamming Steven Wright jokes. I'll stop now

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.

He said he can't complain.

What do you call an elephant that can only be accessed remotely?

Telephant

Yes, I'm a dad, how did you know?

The dumbest joke I know is a knock knock Joke and goes like this. You first have to make the person you're telling the joke to start saying "knock knock", then you you say, "who's there?".

Proceed to watch the other person confused about what to do next 😅

Why did the farmer win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Did you know you have a steering belt attached to your crotch?" The pirate answers: "Yarr, it be driving me nuts!"

I broke a mirror in my house, and you’re supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I dipped my balls in glitter.

Pretty nuts, right?

what's red and smells like blue paint?

red paint.

An English breakfast has up to 9 ingredients, an American breakfast as many as 10, but in France 1 egg is enough.

Brian and Bob were walking through the forest when they came across a set of tracks.

"Those are cougar tracks!" Bob exclaimed.

"Hell, no! Those are coyote tracks." Brain said.

"I'm tellin' you, I've been out in these woods since I was little, and those are cougar tracks!"

"There's no cougars in this part of the country. Those are coyote tracks!"

Then they both got hit by a train.

Timing.

What is the most important aspect to remember when telling a joke?

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

Why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?

For drizzle

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?

He was too far out, man.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

Skeleton walks into a bar Can I have a pint and a mop

Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning?

It was because they had an excellent conductor.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Because he had no body to go with!

So I was laying in bed with my girlfriend reading the secondhand diary that I bought… ‘I don't remember this.’

I wrote a book. I have the page numbers done, and now I just have to fill in the rest. I wrote a song too, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guys asked them if they are ok?

If a threesome is with three people, and a foursome is with four, then i think i get why they call you handsome...

What's long and brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's brown, and rhymes with "Snoop?"

Dr. Dre.

Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?

For drizzle, m'nizzle.

How does Helen Keller know when she's done wiping?

Taste test.

I've got tons of this shit for when we've got downtime at work.

When my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.

I see. It's all coming back to me now... Said the blind man. to his deaf son. pissing in the wind.

I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell.. Although, whenever I leave a house I go through the window.

Bob and Doug are building a fence.

Bob is throwing away half the nails.

Doug asks "Why are you throwing away the nails.

Bob replies "The heads are on the wrong end"

Doug shakes his head and says "Stupid, use those nails on the other side of the fence"

Me: Mind if I ask you a question?

Random person: Sure.

Me: Great, can I ask another?

Why did the surgeon hate performing toe amputations?

...he was lack-toes intolerant.

What do you get when you pull the wings off of a fly?

A walk.

One more, I'm sorry.

I've been making wine at home but I make it out of raisins so it'll be aged automatically.

What's the most common type of owl in the UK?

The Teat-owl

This one is a true story:

I was in Dallas Love Field with my daughter several years ago.

I said, "You know, this is where John Kennedy landed only a few hours before he was killed. Show some respect and try not to make an ass...assin of yourself."

Roughly fifteen years later her eyes still haven't come back from rolling into the back of her head

I'm still proud of myself for coming up with that little airport joke on the fly