Asklemmy

I'm not sure about EU specific but I'm currently using a Tushy brand bidet and it's extremely simple and wonderful and their website and manuals are full of shitty puns! Also, consider one with a feminine setting as I've heard they're extra helpful.

You speak truth that most are afraid to admit. My butthole is clean though and my hemorrhoid much more tame since forgoing the rough paper wiping. Also, it can help speed up the "endless poop" feelings that can happen on a bad stomach day, cause you know you're empty (for now)

People rep bidets all the time, but I don't see many repping the detailed nuances of why the're the shit

Yeah, my last apartment had toilets that weren’t compatible. The supply hose going to the tank actually had a compression washer and went all the way through the tank before attaching to the valve. Like I couldn’t just unscrew the water hose from the bottom of the tank to tie in, because there wasn’t anything to unscrew. The hose just went straight through to the inside of the tank.

I’ve never seen anything like it before or since. It honestly had me baffled, and I was left settling for baby wipes until I could move into my current place. And you’d best bet that during my walkthrough for my current place, I checked the toilet to see if it would work with my bidet. The leasing agent looked at me like I was crazy when I dove behind the toilet, but it’s a new checkbox on my list.

I did have to shave some of the plastic from mine to get the toilet lid to close naturally. Not the same situation, but they do on occasion, require a little creativity

You just use toilet paper to dry

I was reluctant to get a bidet because I couldn't hook it up to a warm water line, and was pleasantly surprised when I realized buttholes really aren't that temperature sensitive. Even in the dead of winter, cold well water shot straight up the butthole doesn't feel cold or shocking at all. Probably impossible to believe unless you try it yourself.

Also, don't be a monster and dry your butthole with a towel. Just use a little bit of toilet paper so if you're still dirty, it's okay. It's not like your whole rear-end gets soaked, it's a very thin steam of water that targets just your butthole, with maybe a tiny bit of spray on the surrounding area

It's only surprising or strange the first time. If you aren't acutely aware of how the water of a shower hits your skin every time you shower, then you won't notice the bidet more than the first or second time.

Are you-… Uhh… Are you using Pringles to wipe, in some sort of Three Shells system?

When you're using a bidet with the underseat nozzle, imagine you're washing dog shit off the sidewalk, except you're the sidewalk. You do the bidet dance - shimmy your butt side-to-side as you scoot back-to-front. Fiddle with the strength of the stream until you find what's still comfortable, but strong enough to knock all the poop loose. The sprayer-and-hose style of bidet means you don't have to shimmy, but you have to be a bit more careful where you aim it. Blot dry with TP. Some TP works better with a bidet because it doesn't disintegrate as easily when wet.

You still use toilet paper. Except now it's just for drying