subverted_per

I was afraid. Still am. Basically I learned at a young age expressing my preferred gender would cause me harm, and that it would be terrible if anyone ever found out about it. I was aware that there was something I desperately wanted to feel but was terrified to face or understand it. So I constructed ways to access that feeling in a cheap and pornographic manner that barely satisfied the need. Fortunately I realized I can feel it any time I want by just telling myself, "I'm a girl." or when people use feminine pronouns. It took me forty years to figure it out.

Yeah... I had that thought so many times. Didn't realize what it meant till recently.

Because Texas is a fascist state and gives not a shit for consistency. The governer just pardoned a murderer because he killed a BLM protestor. The sate only enforces the law against those they don't like, and give their christian nationalists a hard pass.

That's a good way to put it. I feel that part of it is that I no longer have to view women through the "male gaze" which was always awkward for me. Also sapphic relationships are now open to me.

I've only just recently cracked, but it came with a sudden more clear understanding of my attractions. I have always been attracted to women almost exclusively. I would not have thought I could feel more attracted to women, but suddenly I am. I don't really know how to describe it.

That can be double edged. I just got into the trails series, and discovered that the early games are all collectable.

I can't be trans cause there's no way to change my Y into an X.

Actually I have both, let me go check it real quick.

Thank you. It's not about the makeup so much as that's one thing that is complex and intimidating among many things that are complex and intimidating about being a woman. It's the first thing I thought of, and I don't even know where to begin. I don't even have to wear makeup, many women don't. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a hill that looks steep and intimidating, I don't know if I can get to the top but at the same time this is just the first hill of the rocky mountains, and I have to get to the other side.

Thank you, thats part off my plan going forward, when I can afford it.

The paradox is that most closeted trans people are absolutely terrible at trusting their inner voice. When you spend your whole life with a nagging disconnect between how the world sees you and how you see yourself, it becomes easier to rely on other people to tell you “who you really are.” Even if you know deep down that all the people in your life are missing some fundamental fact about your identity, it’s nearly impossible to avoid listening to others over oneself.

This right here. my instincts are all off because every external voice told me i was wrong my whole life. Like I was always bad at tests because any time there was an obvious answer I had to question the wording or the context because me feeling right about something is always wrong.

My god I was a lesbian the whole time!