ZeroCool

AUSTIN, TX—In the latest round of layoffs for the company’s struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical function,” said CEO Elon Musk, whose announcement came as a shock to the team of 500 Tesla workers responsible for the electric vehicles’ braking systems. “As the brakes never really worked anyway, we figured the team’s existence was redundant. Going forward, none of our models will be outfitted with brakes. Instead, we will shift our efforts to making fart noises louder.” At press time, Tesla staffers responsible for wheels were reportedly nervous after receiving an ominous meeting request from HR.

FRESNO, CA – Across the United States young people who will turn eighteen by November 5 are expressing their excitement at being able to vote in the last presidential election of their lifetimes.

“Voting is an amazing right for all adult Americans,” said Ashley Connor. “In November I will walk proudly into the voting booth to cast my ballot. And then later I will see that right stripped away sometime before 2028, just like my rights over my own womb were removed in 2022.”

“I wasn’t there when democracy started in 1788,” noted Kyle Janowitz, a teenager with a keen understanding of his place in history. “Or when democracy started again in 1920 when women were allowed to vote. Or when democracy started again in 1965 when all black people were allowed to vote. But I know I will be there when democracy ends shortly after January 20th, 2025, and that’s sort of cool.”

Another aspect of history fuels the excitement of Tenisha Jones, who said: “Sometimes presidential elections are referendums on the country. Like, 1860 was about slave states seceding from the union. 1932 was about the socialist policies of the New Deal. And the 2024 election is about whether a rapist conman will go to prison or become president for life. That’s a real cliffhanger!”

“Of course, in a democratic referendum, every vote counts. But since I live in California, my vote is practically worthless. Meanwhile some angry guy in Wisconsin could be the tipping point for a future where anyone labelled ‘woke’ will be hauled into a gulag.”

She wiped away a tear as she said, “Goodbye American democracy. You were the dumbest version in the world.”

At press time, a spokesperson for Trump has dismissed the idea that elections will disappear. In fact, super early exit polls for 2028 have Ivanka Trump in a commanding lead with 99% of the vote.