Gullible

That's not all they do
>Be at home very early one morning, only my brother and I are awake, pitch black outside
>Dogs are out (an idiotic water pointer and a fat beagle)
>Beagle starts baying, pointer starts whimpering
>l open the door for them, they don't move, both looking at one section of the porch, frozen
>step outside, turn on the light, my brother thinks its a burglar, is carrying the fireplace poker
>Opossum hisses
>Beagle bays again, pointer hides behind me
>Brother freaks, swings the poker, hits me in the head
>I go down
>Opossum hisses louder, starts shitting everywhere
>I'm shouting
>My brother's shouting
>Beagle passes out
>Pointer tries to hide behind my prone body
>Opossum waddles back into the woods
>Shit and blood are everywhere

Not even once

Today I am going to tell you what I am most afraid of.... here we go.
>Be me
>Be about a 6/10
>Just move into a new neighborhood and have no friends
>Be outside mowing the lawn when random dog runs up to me
>Look up and a 9/10 is running after it
>Help her get dog back, introduce ourselves
>Become very good friends
>Eventually begin dating
>Fast forward about two months
>New girl moves in
>eh about a 7/10, would boink
>Try to be polite and introduce myself to new girl
>New girl and I start to become friends too, even though she seems a little odd
>Tell her i have a girlfriend, can see she is (literally) insanely jealous
>Fast forward two more weeks
>Start to see less and less of my girlfriend and at the same time new girl starts to become even more of a psycho bitch
>Fast forward 4 days
>Get a random Facebook message from my girlfriend saying that 7/10 threatened to kill my girlfriend if she ever talked to me again
>wtf.jpeg
>Fast forward one more week
>Do not hear or see either girl since that message on facebook, start growing very worried
>Random knock on my door, Its the cops
>Shows me picture of two girls asking if I know them
>Say yes, getting more worried
>Cops tell me that 7/10 committed suicide and remains of my girlfriend showed up in her stomach during the autopsy

TL:DR why was the 6 afraid of the 7? Because 7 ate 9

No.3807239
[a photo of a large olive green carp relaxing in a bath tub, only barely fitting within]
>"Stop being a pussy and hop in, dude"
What do you do, /an/

No.3807248
Jack off into the water and laugh as it's forced to breathe my cum. Fish have no answer to this. What plants do to me, I will do to them.

>Lived just long enough to not have Boris Johnson speak at her funeral

Unfathomably based

[pictured: Ronald Reagan wearing a black suit and tie with a white shirt. His body is nearly turned sideways, chin lifted and grinning at the camera, resting his weight on his right elbow with his left hand clasped loosely over his resting right wrist. Italicized text upon this propaganda poster reads: “RONALD REAGAN speaks out against SOCIALIZED MEDICINE”]

>a c-list actor's career flopped so now I have to pay $1000 to set foot in an ambulance
any other examples like this?

>Volcano erupts in Indonesia
>Locals don't notice because they have shit weather radar
>747 flies through the dust cloud
>All 4 engines get filled with volcanic ash and burn out
>"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have a small problem. All four engines have stopped. We are doing our damnedest to get them going again. I trust you are not in too much distress."
>Spend 12 minutes gliding, dropping 23,500 feet in the process
>The pilots are preparing to be the first 747 ever to attempt a water landing
>Finally one of the engines restarts
>But ILS is offline
>Windscreen is completely opaque due to ash, no way to clean it
>Manage to land running entirely on instruments
>Fatalities: 0
>Injuries: 0
Survivors: 263

>be me
>lifting in the garage
>mom walks in with a plate of tendies with chinese sauce
>always told mom to not to come to the garage while I lifted
>always told mom to never look me in my eyes while I lifted (its where my demons hide)
>she made eye contact
>the plate fell from her hands
>the young man she had been raising had turned into a FUCKED UP beast
>she covers her mouth with both her hands as she lets out a yelp
>turns around and runs away
>put the rusty barbell down
>calmly walk up to the mirror and smash it as I see the beast too
Gosh dang it /fit/, we were gonna go shopping this weekend. What do I do now?

Oh god, one of these threads? Here we go…
>be in third grade at a school assembly
>have to shit real bad, feeling ill and feverish
>we all get seated on the gym floor
>holy fuck Hugo the Hornet is here! (Charlotte Hornets' NBA team mascot back when they were the Charlotte Hornets)
>still have to shit so bad that I'm having cold sweats
>wearing gymshorts, no underwear (I had a phase in elementary school where I just didn't wear any, felt good man)
>Hugo the Hornet starts picking up kids and flipping them over in his hands and setting back down
>starting to feel dizzy from holding in my shit
>see him walking my way
>he's coming RIGHT FOR ME
>he picks me up and begins to flip me over
>he's squeezing my gut
>as I'm upside down, diarrhea begins to fly out of my ass and out the leg of my shorts, arcing through the air gracefully
>start screaming
>gets all over Hugo and sprays all over the kids sitting in front of me, hear it plop on the gym floor as well
>it also gets all over my face and in my mouth because I was screaming
>Hugo then drops me on my fucking head, into a pile of my own shit, hear him loudly say "WHAT THE FUCK"
>Hugo takes off his head and reveals himself as a black man. He pukes on the floor.
>the music has stopped, the room is dead silent
>assume the fetal position
>covered in my own shit and can't stop farting/shitting as I lay there
>start crying
>pass out
>wake up with someone carrying me out of the gym, holding me at a distance
>the tiny breathable holes in my gymshorts work like a shit colander, leaking shit water everywhere, leaving the hard bits in my shorts
>pass out again
From then on i was "The kid who shit on Hugo the Hornet"

Everyone is allowed childish, irrational fears. Some people hate clowns, others spiders, water, etc. For me it's hornets.
>be me
>senior in high school
>a mistake in scheduling sophomore year led me to end up not taking a mandatory sophomore level science class as a senior
>alright whatever
>it's the last class of the day so that's good at least
>spend most of the time sleeping and dicking around
>ace all the tests anyways
It should be mentioned we were learning about biology and insects of some kind or another at this time, which prompted this.
>Some kid says he caught a giant fuck hornet and that he should bring it to show in class teacher says this is a great idea
>I loudly voice my concerns
>my hatred for the creatures are well documented
>am ignored
>I hear the foreshadowtron firing up in the background
>NEXT DAY
>in seat
>kid walks in
>has the biggest fucking hornet I've ever seen
>not as in "biggest I've ever seen in real life" this was literally bigger than any picture or video I've ever seen of a hornet.
>panic mode on standby
>kid brings it up to the front of the class and the teacher starts talking about hornets and stuff
>I can't even focus
>the hornet looks pretty docile at least.
>"Shake him a bit and see if that wakes him up"
>I make an insightful comment about why that is a fucking retarded idea
>I am ignored
>hornet does wake up, and it's pissed
>kid forgot to secure the lid of this shitty plastic container
>HORNET FUCKING PUSHES OUT THE LID AND FLIES OUT OF THE CONTAINER
>kids scream
>teacher says in a firm but calm voice "Nobody panic"
>she has the situation under control
>I do not
>Hornet flies straight toward me
>NOW IS A PERFECTLY GOOD TIME TO PANIC
>FIGHT OR FLIGHT ENGAGED
>FIGHT MODE ENGAGED
>bolt up, scream obscenities and throw my fucking desk at the thing
>misses entirely, skips off another desk and wrecks the kid who brought it in
>books and papers fly fucking everywhere
>whiteboard falls and takes out the front row of students
>the hornet's buzzing shifts from "I'm about to be angry" to a higher "I am completely fucking angry" buzz
>FLIGHT MODE ENGAGED
>teacher screams "ANON CALM DOWN"
>"FUCK THAT"
>football tackle through the group of children crowded around the door and bust it open
>hear the cracking of skulls on linoleum
>turn left and run out of the school, into my car, and drive home, still in blind panic
>NEXT DAY
>walk into classroom through noticeably broken door
>everyone in class has horrible bruises on them either from where the hornet stung them or from being caught in the collateral damage of my escape
>kid who got hit by the desk isn't in class, find out later he had to get a neck brace
>dead fucking silence
>everyone is staring at me
>say "I don't like hornets"
>sit down and pretend nothing happened
Fucking hornets, man

For a week, it was worth a giggle. A flustered trackside nascar reporter attempting to avoid cursing on the news? That’s hilarious. Like every joke and/or horse, it was rapidly beaten past death. The body still receives unironic thwacks to this day.

Then it was revived as satire and resumed being funny for a fresh week or two. This was over a year ago. The horse is not just dead, it is not even a paste or powder, it has been completely aerosolized in a closed crimson room where people fan it back and forth in remembrance of beating its corpse.

Biden’s the best chance for continued democracy in the US, but I've been breathing in Brandon particulate since 2021 and I’m afraid it will give me lung cancer.

[typos preserved]

>be me
>4th grade
>bring 3 sharpners to school
>friend tells me thats a lot of sharpners
>bring 3 more sharpners the next day >friend gives me his sharpner to grow my collection
>start collecting more and more sharpners
>go to stationary every week to by more sharpners
>collect about 70 sharpners by the end of the month
>start bringing a tiny bag to carry thoes sharpner
>english teacher asks for a sharpner
>offer her the bag thinking she'd be impressed
>sees all my sharpners and writes a note to my parents
>only allowed to bring 1 sharpner
>idea.jpg
>make a huge sharpner out of cardboard
>dad helps me to color it with red and silver spray paint
>display it on my table during the english period
>get sent to the office

fun days

Tender Childhood Memory
>be me
>be in fifth grade
>the scholastic book fair comes to our school every year
>the kids in my class were really into "I Survived" books
>"I Survived the Holocaust" is being sold
>kids correlate Nazis being German with me being German and start calling me a Nazi
>ask them what a Nazi is, but no one will tell me
>too poor to buy the book
>ask my stepmom at the time and she screams at me because "I'm too young to know about Nazis" and gets mad at me
>too scared to ask teachers or my dad after getting yelled at
>kids keep calling me a Nazi for weeks
>get pissed
>plot revenge
>have fake cereal brand with my friend for some reason
>never actually made the cereal yet, just pretend it exists and made fake ads for it and shit
>tell people I'm finally going to make it
>mix the most vile, abhorrent shit I can find in my kitchen together with red food dye and frosted flakes
>feed it to the people calling me a Nazi, so most of my class ate it
>gave them explosive diarrhea and food poisoning
>somehow didn't get in trouble for biological warfare and was never punished by the school
>W
>forget about it for eight years
>randomly remember
>tell my dad cause I think it's funny
>”Anon, that's exactly what a Nazi would do."
>InterpersonalExpectancyEffect.jpg

I guess those kids called it.