No Stupid Questions

I’m imagining what happens is they organize a giant search party to look for you (this is not the good kind of giant party) Eventually they find your corpse and put it in a refrigerator for a long time while your relatives argue with the police about whether you were kidnapped and murdered. Somebody pays for all this, maybe the tax payers, maybe your relatives, I don’t know. Then after all that you finally get to have your expensive funeral but on top of being sad, everybody is frustrated.

I’m thinking, better all around if you just don’t die quite yet because that shit is just awkward.

Gluck auf!

If it's premeditated, you get resurrected and fined.

Funeral homes don't want you to know this one weird trick!

Plot twist: OP has a body to dispose but not their own.

You'll start to decay, flies and maggots will infest you. When the smell reaches animals, they'll eat the meat. During that process the bones will get scattered. Insects will pick the bones clean and anything organic left (the bone fragments themselves) will eventually break down.

I don't think Germany has any woods where you can really disappear, most woods have enough hikers to hit almost every spot in a couple of weeks. The woods are too small and the amount of people enjoying them is too high.

You can also insure yourself to cover the funeral costs. I pay something like 50 euro per year and all funeral costs are 100% covered for the people I leave behind.

There's a good article you can read that explains the process of decomposition and the influence of external factors:

https://www.theguardian.com/science/neurophilosophy/2015/may/05/life-after-death

Beware of gruesome details, avoid this one if you're sensitive to this topic :)

EDIT: there's also a VICE video of a study on open-air decomposition of the body to help solve crimes in the united states

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqRo23h01qQ

Animals die in the woods aswell but how often do you find their corpses there? You'd be gone in no time.

Are we giving a murderer advice on how to dispose of a body?

Your body is very likely going to be found by dogs from hunters even in the deepest of woods (in Europe).

Well if you really assume your body won't be found you just decompose like any animal. Just open youtube. There are enough timelaps videos about this topic. The last few remaining things are your bones and hair. Hair just decomposes badly, bones will last even longer. Ah and any plastic and metal you are carring around of course. Clothes, and jewelry or implants like silicon boobs and hip joints.

edit: fix format of quote

Quick search:

The 5 Stages of human decomposition:

• 1: Autolysis
• 2: Bloat
• 3: Active Decay
• 4: Advanced Decay
• 5: Skeletonization

FYI it is graphic, not too much but be warned

How does a human body decompose? | Body Farm Forensics [2:22 | May 19 2021 | Death Science]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cD-bXzM5ULE

Short answer is Yes, animals will eat you and your corpse will be reduced to bones in some time. How much time depends on several factors, such as which animals find you or not and the temperature, humidity and sunlight the body is exposed to.

Found a paper about scavengers in Europe and the team doing the study apparently did the work in Germany, so:

We found several influences having impact on the de- composition and consumption of carcasses:

• Season: In summer, carcasses are mainly con- sumed by arthropods and bacteria. Only Red Fox (Vulpes vulpes) is regularly eating from rotting carcasses, while in winter consumption is done mainly by vertebrates. Wild Boar (Sus scrofa), Wolf (Canis lupus), Pine Marten (Martes martes), Domestic Cat (Felis catus) and Raccoon Dog (Nyctereutes procyonoides) used carcasses only in winter, especially after snowfall. In winter there are large flocks of Raven (Corvus corax) at the carcass, in summer only the resident couple.

• Condition of carcass: It makes a significant dif- ference if the road kill shows open wounds or if the animal died of inside injuries. With no open wounds even White Tailed Eagle (Haliaeetus al- bicilla) with its strong beak has difficulties in opening a carcass, and trying to open it is time consuming. In combination with the season, the carcass starts rotting fast in summer and will not be used by most vertebrates. We have evidence for just one case when Ravens Corvus corax) were able to open the softer skin of a Wild Boar’s (Sus scrofa) belly and feed on the intes- tines.

• Age of scavenger: While adult Red Foxes (Vulpes vulpes) will eat of any carcass, the pup- pies are mainly feeding on the large insects near and on the carcasses.

• Feeding strategy: Ravens (Corvus corax) do not actually feed at the carcass. They fill their craw with meat, hide it away and come back for more meat. As we often find more than 20 Ravens (Corvus corax) at the same carcass, consumption rate can be accelerated much by Ravens (Corvus corax).

• Competition: Interspecific and intraspecific competition is more complicated than expected. Although adult White Tailed Eagles (Haliaeetus albicilla) dominate young ones at the carcasses, in groups of Raven (Corvus corax) there will be one to mob any eagle by pulling their feathers on the wings or tail. This strategy fails when used on Buzzards (Buteo buteo) as the Buzzard (Bu- teo buteo) will strike back and single Ravens get mobbed themselves by Red Kites (Milvus milvus) stealing the Raven’s meat stored in a hideaway. Competition between vertebrates and bacteria is also remarkable; it seems to follow “first come, first served”

Citation:

Scavenging Birds and Ecosystem Services Experience from Germany

Xiaoying Gu, Rene Krawczynski

Doesn't Germany have cheap body disposal options?

At very least you ought to be able to donate your body for medical training

Forest would be slower than ocean, assuming it's not a part of the ocean with anoxia.