this post was submitted on 13 Oct 2023
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No Stupid Questions

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Living in the U.S. here, so non-American advice may not be the best thing for me, not sure.

I am living with an undiagnosed serious illness (haven't eaten for 45 days.) I am off work on FMLA, which is a thing businesses in the U.S. offer to their employees where you can taker time off and they will keep your job for you, but you don't get paid. We are not exactly poor, but we are going to be surviving for at least a month on a single income. That will be hard, but we'll make it if we cut back.

HOWEVER.

I have $1000 in medical debt, which will just keep climbing, and I also have a cousin who says that he can get me into the best hospital in New York- I'm in Indiana and we're not exactly at the forefront of medicine- to get thoroughly tested. I cannot afford either of these things. We do not have temporary disability insurance.

I have a lot of friends and relatives who might donate, but I feel like such an asshole asking for money. Especially when my wife is working and has a decent job. I've done everything I can since I was 18 to make it on my own and, while I have had to take handouts in the past, it was at the 'this or starve' level, and my doctor hasn't run out of tests to do on me yet, so I wouldn't quite put it like that. And what if the money isn't enough to go to New York and pay for all of this testing? Do I give it all back?

So should I do a GoFundMe? What do you think?

Please, please, please, please do not give me medical advice. I really really do not want medical advice from strangers on the Internet. I leave that to professionals. But I would love this bit of AITA advice.

TL;DR - Very ill, not working, in debt, possible solution in another state. Should I do a GoFundMe?

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[–] sneezycat@sopuli.xyz 55 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Do what you have to do. If people give you money, it's out of their own volition.

Hope you get better.

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 12 points 1 year ago (6 children)

I know, but they're my friends and I don't want them to think less of me since I'm asking for handouts.

[–] SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world 38 points 1 year ago

If they're really your friends, they will be happy to help you.

[–] PP_BOY_@lemmy.world 24 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I've experienced similar quandaries in my life before, but you have to ask yourself, "would I think any less of my friends/family members if they asked me for help?"

[–] meco03211@lemmy.world 9 points 1 year ago

I'd maybe be a little hurt that my friend didn't think they could ask for some help.

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] Lemjukes@lemm.ee 6 points 1 year ago

American individualism and 'bootstrapping' is one of the great American Lies. There is no shame in needing help because broken social systems failed you. Anyone who would think less of you for needing help with medical bills is someone you don't want in your life anyway. if we were truly a civilized nation you wouldn't be having this problem.

[–] foggy@lemmy.world 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You could ask a friend to set one up for you, which could help lessen that stigma

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

That would just make me feel guilty for asking them! I'm a guilt-ridden mess!

[–] otter@lemmy.ca 5 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Great advice already here

Another thing is that you're not directly asking any particular person to donate. They have the option to just share the post with others (which is also great because there are more people out there who also want to donate/advocate on your behalf).

You can also include a message similar to what you have here :)

Hope things improve for you!

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[–] maxprime@lemmy.ml 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Consider going to see a clinical psychologist for therapy. I know you’re already swimming in debt but it sounds like you could benefit from this. Even if you had to wait until you return to work, it sounds like you’re going through it.

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

Thanks, I'm actually already seeing one for other reasons, so I have that covered.

[–] calypsopub@lemmy.world 25 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Ask yourself, if the roles were reversed would you judge a friend harshly for asking for help? Of course not. Do what you need to do to survive.

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] fourfouroneone@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago

I agree with the post above. As an American and as someone going through something similar, if it comes down to either asking for some funds from friends and family to aid in taking care of your family -- or risking medical debt -- take any help you can get. As you said in the original post, debt will start to compound and can get out of control fast. Further, managing that debt and your medical issue at the same time may take a wild toll on you and your family.

Take care of you and yours first, pay it forward when you are healthy. People won't think you're an a-hole if you are responsible with what they give. Anyone who does think badly of you for asking for help.... You maybe should reevaluate your connection with them because id bet people that care just want you back to good health.

Best of luck figuring it all out, I know it can be hard.

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[–] _stranger_@lemmy.world 20 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Get your ass to that hospital, money be damned!!

This sounds very serious. At this point, you need to decide if you want to live and possibly be paying medical debt off for a while, or die.

Definitely put up a go fund me, but SWEET JESUS don't let the thought of medical debt drive you to what is essentially suicide.

Google tells me this:

Medical bills are generally classified as nonpriority unsecured debts, and they're a type of debt most likely to be discharged, or wiped clean, in a bankruptcy.

A bankruptcy follows you for a decade or less, so worst case, declare bankruptcy.

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 7 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I appreciate what you're saying, although bankruptcy would really be a last resort because the debt is in my name, but I'm pretty sure bankruptcy would affect both of us and her credit rating is really, really good.

[–] Uprise42@artemis.camp 4 points 1 year ago

You can file bankruptcy independently. It’s a bit more complicated but possible.

I just went through it and honestly, I’m so relieved. It’s not something you want to go through, but sometimes people fuck up and can’t unfuck their finances. It helped me and my wife unfuck our finances. We declared bankruptcy in March and were debt free by May. We now own a house and are actually able to live our lives how we want. Our daughter turned a year and we decided to throw her a massive bday. We put 2 grand into her party. Something we couldn’t have done with our debt. We’re going to a couple USL playoff games this season as well.

On top of that we got new flooring in our house, something we desperately needed. We just had a new furnace installed. I have a quote coming for replacing our stairs that are falling apart. The loans are a pain to get but it’s doable and we’re paying them off before the interest gets too bad. Again, something we wouldn’t be able to do in debt.

Bankruptcy shouldn’t be something anyone wants to do, but also don’t be afraid of it.

[–] _stranger_@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago

I've been there, I have friends there now! Your health is worth more than money.

[–] PsychedSy@sh.itjust.works 14 points 1 year ago

Until you know what it is, you can't treat it. Until you treat it, you can't return to normal for your family.

Go for it

[–] Ledivin@lemmy.world 10 points 1 year ago

Needing help doesn't make you a bad person - do it. If it makes them think less of you, them they weren't very good friends anyway.

Everyone struggles at times. Anyone can fall on hard times. That doesn't make you a piece of shit, it makes you unlucky - especially when it's for medical reasons!

[–] brygphilomena@lemmy.world 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

FMLA isn't something that "businesses offer" it's a legal requirement that they are required to follow.

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 10 points 1 year ago

Only if they have over 50 employees. Mine does not. They offer it.

[–] naalo@lemm.ee 7 points 1 year ago

Hope you get better. Don't feel bad for asking for help. You aren't an asshole.

[–] andrewta@lemmy.world 6 points 1 year ago

Take the money where it is available

[–] Seraph@kbin.social 6 points 1 year ago

The only thing I have to add is that there is this societal shame associated with asking for help. And it's fucking ridiculous!

We all need help sometimes, and others often want to help, but aren't aware you need help if you don't ask.

[–] Oyster_Lust@lemmy.world 5 points 1 year ago (5 children)

I know several people who have done this and it's helped. I don't see the down side, unless nobody donates. Then you feel very unloved.

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[–] Zerlyna@lemmy.world 5 points 1 year ago

Do it and DM me the link please. :)

[–] grasshopper_mouse@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago (4 children)

What's worse: Having your friends MAYBE "think less" of you for asking for money to fund your medical needs (and if they do think less, they weren't your friends anyway)....or death? Because this sounds like life or death, dude. A Go-Fund Me isn't asking 1 person to foot the bill for a large amount, it's asking many people to give a small amount. My cousin did a Go-Fund Me when she had brain cancer and sent it to everyone she knew, and we all donated.

Do you need the money fir actual medical bills, the ticket to NY, or both? I guess an alternative is taking out a medical bill loan (a quick Google search says they exist), but I don't know much about them. You said you have good credit, so you should be able to get one. Just because you have debt doesn't mean they won't give you the loan.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and that our American health care system is such shit.

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[–] httpjames@sh.itjust.works 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'm from the country above, but what you described seems like something worth fundraising for. Not eating for 45 days is scary even as the reader (I understand you probably consume food somehow).

I hope you get the help you need and come out of this strong 🙏

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[–] MataVatnik@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago

You should be getting paid just for how much you contribute to Lemmy

[–] Bearbi3@lemm.ee 3 points 1 year ago

Have you inquired about financial assistance from the hospital?

A lot of hospitals offer this service but don’t advertise it. Source: work in a hospital

[–] Wermhatswormhat@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

There’s not much I can say that hasn’t already been said but don’t feel shameful for asking for help with medical bills. It’s not like you’re out buying unnecessary things, you’re trying to get help. Everyone needs help now and again. I hope you get what you need.

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