Oh a gift to the boss for allowing you to have this opportunity would be the cherry on top.
this post was submitted on 05 Jan 2025
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and also: you just got diagnosed with cancer but your doctor thinks you'll be okay because your employer provided health insurance is going to get you the medicine you need to beat the cancer.
"Look, before you start, I just want to say I'm so grateful to be offered a management position, and I won't let you down!
Now down to business, who do we need to lay off before Q1 budget report? Just give me a name, and I'll handle it."
While simple, it can honestly be kind of fun to just go in and let them know. When I was recently laid off, it went something like this.
HR: "I know this might be a shock–"
Me: "Yeah, you're letting me go, I know. Here's my work laptop and badge, I've got all my stuff in a box outside, what do I sign? Trying to catch the next train home, so I have like 20 minutes."
It totally threw off my boss and the HR lady trying to do their sombre, dignified thing, and was pretty funny to watch.
Kinda how I did it.
Laid off? Why me? You know what, doesn't matter. Just do your speal and tell me what you need besides my laptop.
Totally made his brain brake when he got into his "explaining why you" mode to "uhh OK..."
My dad used to brag about those situations being great cause it meant you had the salesperson that worked for you by the balls and wouldn't have to care about raises or bonuses for them or treating them well cause you knew they needed the job badly.
He was a fucking asshole.
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My dad just got diagnosed with cancer, I just bought a house, I was at a conference in San Francisco and my boss cornered me before the flight home saying i was being laid off. They literally don't care.
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- wear a T-Rex costume
- refuse to elaborate
- leave
I had an old friend who showed up to the office naked. He was a local legend for his stunts. He walked in and sat down. The dude behind the desk asked him what the hell he was doing. He said, “Well, y’all are getting ready to fuck me, ain’t ya? I figured I’d go ahead and get undressed.”
He worked at a mine, so it was all men, and it was the 90s. Everyone knew his sense of humor and everyone loved him.
He was back at work 3 months later.
He died from black lung in 2019. The whole damn community was broken up about it. Everyone who talks about him has some crazy story.
RIP Rolly Poly.
Edit: Fixed it a bit.
dude I don't wanna see drake talking about getting laid, it has terrible connotations
This is accidentally so true for German learners when it comes to German verbs.
vögel vs vögeln gang
They wouldn't care.
Just change an important password somewhere, have an important file/tool at home somewhere, or make yourself unmissable in any other way.
Or at least send a giant corporate mail to everyone stating all the nasty shit the company has done over the years you worked there.
Just change an important password somewhere, have an important file/tool at home somewhere, or make yourself unmissable in any other way
I think this might be classed as industrial sabotage and might be illegal. I’m not a lawyer though.
Yeah, definitely don’t get caught doing that.
They were wrong to assume their employer has feelings
Show up 3 hours early so they also have to pay you overtime.
Nah, then they can fire you for unauthorized overtime, working outside of scheduled hours, whatever billshit they want. The you don't get unemployment benefits.
At least if you're laid off, you can collect unemployment which also raises the amount the employer has to pay in premiums.
In case you missed it...
Layoffs *don't rule
It's shorthand for the rule of layoffs; I thought that was obvious.
Call out sick, then delete everything including the backups
Make sure you do this in a non identifiable way. This is illegal and you can get fucked. Do not have it associated with your account at all.
it's not that hard to pin the blame unless you do it months in advance
Or delayed
The secret bash file hidden in a corner that is waiting for the cron job
Ask for a day off for radiation treatment because you were diagnosed with terminal cancer. Normally you would plan this outside business hours but you also need to get a second mortgage to be able to pay for treatment as insurance won't cover it.
Oh and talk about it out in the open with coworkers before they ask you in their office for 'the' conversation.
Twist: they chicken out and your only friend at work gets fired
A keylogger on the back of the boss' computer? A hardware VPN backdoor to the company's network? Oh maybe bring a flash drive full of malware and viruses and just drop it in the break room?
Please don't do this, you will be tried and probably end up in prison. There must better ways to be petty that won't give you problems with police and judicial system.
I was involved as a witness in two cases like this, not only it creates problem for you but a lot of other people as well.
Fill the curtain rods with fish. It'll take a few days for the smell to start, and weeks before anyone even thinks to check the curtain rods.
You didn't hear this from me, but I hear a lot of cubicle corners have removable caps that can make a great storage place for all kinds of interesting things.
A dish wash sponge, soaked in ascorbic acid.
It does no damage, is hard to find, easy to clean up when found... But best of all... It smells 100x worse than the fish in the rods.
You’ll want to wipe that for prints, just to be clear
Gonna have to do a hell of a lot more than that if they're actually trying to get away with it opposed to disrupting things for it/cybersecurity.
Is the last line (flash drive full of malware left in the break room) actually illegal?
All these things are illegal.
I'm not saying don't, I'm just saying don't leave fingerprints (physical or digital)
What is the crime called for just dropping a stick?
Well if you were using that malware to gain remote access to a system or to exfil data, then that would be clear cut unauthorised access of a computer / network.
But if the malware wasnt giving you data and access, then it would probably be acting with intent to damage a computer system or network.
You might argue that the fault lies on the person who picked it up and plugged it in, but by that logic, it wouldn't be illegal to distribute rat poison at a dog park or to set rabbit traps in a playground.
Worse case, it might count as littering? 🤔
Do the castanza thing, don't show up. Day after just goto work and act like nothing happened.
Come in and start strongly advocating for a union. Make them worried about a wrongful termination lawsuit. Won't look good to fire someone the day they start talking about unions.
Very much this vibe
So no joke, that shit actually happened to me. 4 years into working a corporate IT job. Save up enough to buy a house start looking early 2020. Thanks to housing bubble bullshit, get outbid on everything until a few years later I finally close on a house for more than 100k over asking. Few months later, gf tells me she's pregnant. First ultrasound comes back, two little beans. 8 months later (yes only 8) we meet the 2 best girls I've ever met in my life. Corporate offers me 3 months paternity leave, as long as I still come into work everyday for a few hours (not joking). 2 weeks before "coming back to work" (not like I technically left, but whatever) corporate announces they are ending their contract with the IT MSP they contracted with, and we're all laid off.
This summer has not been great.
I'm so sorry :(
My baby left me and my mule got lame
Lost my money in a poker game
A windstorm came just the other day
Blew the house that I lived in away... ...so, boss, what did you want to see me about?
Siamese
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