Asklemmy

I quite like the (I think?) Jewish curse: "may your laundry never dry". That would suck wearing clothes that are always slightly damp.

Every set of stairs has one step that is slightly taller than the rest

You know how you sometimes get a pebble stuck under your shoe and walking just feels weird until you remove it?

That, but there’s no actual pebble.

Everytime you open a door it moans with pleasure.

You lose the ability to differentiate between a fart and a poo.

Bell ringing sound every time you get an erection

Make it so that when you arrive home you're never allowed to put your keys in the same place more than once.

Forgot something in the car and have to go back out? Time to find a new spot...

No matter how hard one squeezes, there’s ALWAYS three or four drops of pee leftover, poised to strike after one finishes their business.

wind makes everyone ticklish

All doors you try to open actually open the opposite direction

Eyelids become translucent. In other words, you can still see anything and everything when your eyes are closed.

You must greet everyone you meet with a handshake and ten seconds of uninterrupted eye contact. Forced smiles and a serious talk about how you really are doing are also mandatory.
Pretty awkward if you ask me :)

Everyone is ever so slightly telepathic, functionally making a web of felt emotions with no thoughts connecting them so what you feel from this is basically a summary of the people in the area around you.

Example: Everyone could be focused at work, nothing major going on, until someone thinks about their significant other and all of a sudden there's a tiny bit of horny thrown in the mix, everyone knows its there, and no one knows who put it there.

switch locations of penis and anus

USB-C now has the same connector directionality problem that USB-A does

Any time you use something powered by a fossil fuel your pinkies ache about as much as a lightly stubbed toe.

Mirror every object. You don't realize how many things are designed with a right-handed assumption unless you aren't right handed. Also, most people can't read well anymore because it's all backwards

You never hear someone the first couple times they try to pay you a compliment

Remove the ability to remember if you turned something off.

Sneezing is excessively messy.

From now on, you get static shocked every time you touch anything.

It always takes three rotations to plug in a USB cable.

Everyone's butt hole could be anywhere on their body. Everyone needs a different kind of toilet to properly position themselves. Everyone starts aligning themselves as friends based on the location of their butt hole. "Oh sorry I can't stay too long. My butthole is in my armpit."

Friction stops working.

Telepathy for everyone. Instant chaos.

One of your socks is always wet

It's impossible to determine the charge level of phone batteries. It's now up to you to keep track or your activities and estimate when you'll need to charge, otherwise it will just turn off on its own when the battery runs out.

Both of these are my moms ideas.

First your cars never start.

Or the other option

We no longer have cell phones, we have to go back to land lines.

I'd make every scissor a little bit loose so whatever it's cutting turns sideways and gets stuck near the end.

Whenever you say anything to anyone the other person always knows exactly what your thinking is behind what you are saying.

That would make it nearly impossible to lie, cheat or deceive others, even for the smallest thing.

So that way when your girlfriend asks you if you would still love her if she were a worm, even though you would say, "Of course my love!" She would know you actually mean "what the fuck are you talking about?" And you would know she actually meant "my emotional batteries are running dry and I want you to recharge them"

Men die after they fertilize women just like mantises

Any time you try to get tape off a roll, it rips halfway through and turns into a mess. The same with toilet paper

everytime you are going to sit, you have to declare it out loud