Asklemmy

Gave up smoking 25 years ago. Diagnosed with incurable blood cancer 5 years ago. After two stem cell (bone marrow) transplants, three years of chemotherapy, and a year of immunotherapy, I’ve been told I’m in full remission — no evidence of disease — and I’m not expected to relapse.

Look after yourself while you’re young and fit and still have a chance to keep healthy.

The big fight.

Now, hol on tight chilluns and chaps, it was one hell of a night.

My ass got out of the Marines, and started looking for work that would allow me to pursue my hobbies while also taking classes.

I found the perfect spot, a drag club. I could sing and dance on my days I wasn't working as security.

It was a good job. Our boss was this sweet old man that owned a bunch of gay bars, and some strip clubs. I spose he would be called asexual nowadays, but back then, he was just hisself. But it meant he never had no trouble with his boys or girls. Good man, and I miss him still.

Most nights, things were cool. We worked in two, two person teams when we could, three when we couldn't. See, this was the south, not too far away from mountains so inbred they say the people in Deliverance was too high falutin, you feel me? But a big enough city all the gays flocked like beautiful rainbow birdies

Is was our job to keep them from being plucked by them redneck boys looking for trouble.

My partner some nights was this big ol boy. Not as tall as me, but built like a brick shithouse. He got bigger over the years we worked together, then got smaller. But this sweet white boy was a slab of usda prime. And too damn straight to let anyone slip inside without ID, since he didn't want no head from nobody that was there. Good boy, turned into a good man.

Our other two were the Bulldog, and Little Tony. Little Tony wasn't much. He would let his little dick get sucked if we didn't keep an eyeball on him. That's why he was little Tony, it wasn't ironic. My pinkie finger was bigger.

But the Bulldog? Oh my lord, she earned that name. Called herself the meanest bull dyke on that side of the mountains. All of maybe 5'4", 150 pounds of her, but she'd jump right on some troublemaker, drag his ass down and work him like he owed her money.

I ain't told this story in a while, in case you can't tell. This was back in something like 94, and don't none of these new little gay boys that be on me care about this shit.

This night, we was just the three of us. Me, the Bulldog, and the big boy. Now, big boy was a scrapper from the first day, but had some trouble, and by this point was doing him some samurai shit. Kempo, jujutsu, some boxing, that kind of thing. We talking about 250 lbs of beef that made me look like a twink, and I was 185 at the time.

See, this boy, he was what you might call straight, not narrow back then, but he took it a lot more serious. His best friend was this handsome gay boy, and they was like brothers. Made our big boy a bit enthusiastic about gay rights. And he took our job at the club amd other bars serious. He got tired of them assholes driving past and throwing shit at our people. Got tired of running rednecks off of little gay boys in the parking lot, so he suggested we have an extra team on the lot, while the regular team was on the door, which was right by the fence that stopped most of the beer bottles and such the haters would throw.

But, once our people was off the lot, the boss said insurance didn't cover us. So we was limited.

You see what I'm working to?

One night, some psycho all hopped up on hate, crazy, and probably meth, decided he was gonna kill him a f**. That's what he said at trial.

This crazy little punk ass bitch comes out of a side street with a brick and smashes it into the head of this sweet little boy that had just hugged us all. Little boy was rollin hard.

This boy goes down hard. Big M, my beefy samurai baby, he take off running. The Bulldog is right behind him, like she always was. My ass used my brain and told the girl inside the door to call the police and an ambulance, then get the inside security moving.

Then I go running.

By the time I get close, the Bulldog is down, her face all bloody. She's moaning, and trying to move though. I froze up a little. First aid, or back my boy up? My boy was doin fine right then. Shirt tore a little, some scrapes on his arm and back, but swinging on the shitstain. Doing him some shit he been learning in class. So I check my butch bitch and make sure she ain't in too bad a shape. She wasn't gonna be as pretty, but she never was pretty to begin with. So I go to my boy.

Now, it was only a minute to check my girl out. But in that time, this fuckstick had picked up some rebar with some concrete on it and was swinging. My boy takes a hit, and I jump in, throw my daddy longleg up the cracker's ass. Move to restrain him. But this fucked up thing was fast, and mean. Swung hard and caught me upside the head. I'm on a knee, head spinning and all I hear is my boy screaming.

You ever see someone get slammed for real? Like, picked up over somebody's head and just planted on pavement? They's a sound a body makes when it hits like that. They's some crunching, they's this thunk like a slab of steak hitting a counter, but loud enough to carry.

I heard that shit, and my boy is in between me and the shitstain. And my boy loses his shit. I ain't talking cussin and slapping, no. They was feet stomping, and then my boy takes a knee next to the asswipe and starts pounding, screaming about leaving people the fuck alone, and how he better tell all his redneck, asshole friends they was gonna die they come there again.

I thought he was gonna kill that punk. He maybe would have, but I start talking sweet to him, calling him baby boy, like when we joking and shit. The Bulldog comes up from the side and just jumps on his arm, trying to stop it, and not doing much but slowing it down.

Now, I have seen some shit. Place I grew up, motherfuckers would stab you for looking at them nice. I seen fights when I was still slaved to the flag that ended up in scars.

But this fucker on the ground was fucked up. His trial was the next year, and he still wasn't healed all the way. My boy, he had some nasty cuts, and a busted rib. The Bulldog had a concussion, some bones in her face broke, and an ugly face. The face was there before, but I like reminding her she ugly. Don't tell her, but she cute for a little white girl.

My big black ass had a concussion too, about the fourth or fifth one. Might have had a hole to go with that. Bulldog said the cracker was winding up on me when big M grabbed him.

Twenty minutes e later the ambulance shows. Fifteen after that, the cops. Cops said some nasty shit, but they was witnesses all over, since the inside folks had made it to the door, and some customers had come with them. Buncha assholes in cheap polyester woulda done nothing if they could. But that's just how it is. Didn't no cops really care about a bunch of gays and dykes. Even the ambulance guys tried not taking care of us, but my boy was a nurse's aide, and knew people at the hospital and told them he'd raise five kinds of hell if they rode off without calling another bus and checking me and the dog over

Oh, and my boy? Was right there on the door the next night, and didn't take a day off with his busted rib taking care of his men at the old folks home. Boy was big, and usually smart, but he ain't never had no sense when it come to working.

And, just in case him or the Bulldog run across this, since I know they on this lemmy shit, y'all can kiss my cracked ass, I love you no matter how ugly you be.

So while I was in my teens I got into a palmistry phase. I was like 15 or 14 y/o. One of my highschool teachers started teasing me about it, and at some point asked me for a palm reading, just for the lulz.

I took it seriously, as I do with most things unfortunately, and did as asked. I didn't say much because I had no idea of what I was doing, but I did recognize in his hands what my book said was a sign of sudden end of life. I estimated the time and warned him he probably didn't have a lot of time left, five years tops. He got really angry when I said that and held the grudge for about two weeks, claiming I was being rude. I just wanted to help...

Time passed and I grew out of my palm reading phase.

Almost two years later during class someone showed up and informed us that the teacher died in a car crash for driving recklessly. The room went silent. Everyone including myself had forgotten about the palm reading incident, well, almost everyone. Breaking the silence with a gasp, one of my classmates said, "OMG!!! IT'S LIKE WHAT (my irl name) SAID DURING THE PALM READING!!! OMG!!!"

As it turned out, I became an adult and a parent.

Not much, honestly. One night this year, my friends and I planned on going to a bar to welcome back a buddy who we hadn't seen in a long time. Something happened, can't remember what, and we had to go to someone's place instead to celebrate.

Later in the evening we saw on the news that the bar had been shot up, and plenty were dead. Bar was shut down soon after. It had a good crowd, wasn't too noisy, the food wasn't that bad, and prices were cheaper than other places in the city. My guess is that it was a money laundering scheme and someone would benefit from having it being shut down, because I didn't hear anything about anyone important being there at the moment as if to imply it was a hit.

Lucky us.

When I was in my early 20s, I did a lot of stupid things that could have gotten me killed or worse. For some context that makes some of these stories a bit more frightening, I am a woman.

Dealing with untreated depression, I self-medicated by drinking ungodly amounts of alcohol. Getting blackout drunk most days of the week, I did not care for my life.

I once went out on a cold winter day, deciding to walk a few miles for no reason. Someone driving by asked if I needed a ride. I got into their car, and had them drive me to the university I was attending nearby. Then I wandered campus (there was no class, I think it was winter break, so very few people were there). I don’t remember how I got home that day, but I did.

Another time, I was walking back to my apartment. My key wasn’t working to get into the building, so I kept ringing random doorbells to explain I lived there but couldn’t get in. Someone let me in, and when I went to my apartment, my seasonal decorations weren’t outside the door. I assumed they must have been stolen or something, which was surprising because it was a fairly safe area and a secure building. My key to my door didn’t work either, and I knocked to get my roommate to let me in. Some one I didn’t know asked who it was. I start freaking out, asking who she was and why she was in my apartment. I kept saying my address over and over to prove that was MY apartment. Eventually, someone down the hallway heard the commotion and let me into their apartment. She gave me water, cookies, and I used her bathroom. She called the cops, who walked me home to my apartment, and building next to the one I was in. I had drunkenly walked to the wrong (identical) building of my complex. Still not sure why, after I yelled my address many times, nobody explained I was just in the wrong building.

I once hitchhiked late at night. That was one of the stupider things I’ve done, aside from the next ones.

I went to a bar and got absurdly drunk, ended up at some house that a few dudes shared. I spent the night there, and my phone died at some point. I have no memory of how I ended up there that first night. They took me bar-hopping the next day, and I spent another night there.

I went to another bar once, and was getting chatted up by some dude. Apparently, he was offering to take me home or back to his place (can’t remember which), and I was definitely going to take him up on the offer. Superstar bartender was not going to let that happen. Not sure if she got a bad vibe for him or just general concern about going home with a stranger. She called me a taxi, and I’m so thankful for that bartender who looked out for me.

There were many other stupid drunken journeys. I lost jobs, friends, boyfriends, and lost a lot of trust from family members.

Thankfully, I got help. Am on real medication, am about 5 years sober, went back to college, and have a good job. Shoutout to everyone who helped me get on the path I’m on today.

For a long time, I thought I would never be able to feel the way I do today: happy, healthy, mentally stable.

Fought two SUV's on a bicycle at the same time and was the only one to survive the crusher in the end.

I don't have a lot of crazy stories, but I have one unusual story.

I got to go take a private train with my dad.

We had one first class car and one locomotive.

My dad worked in the train industry, he sold equiment used for railroads.

He called me one day and asked if I wanted to ride a private train, I had time so I gave the only apropriate answer, "yes".

So after having worked a night shift I slept far too little, got on the train to the city my dad was in to ride the private train back.

He was doing a demo of his company's equipment and had arranged for them to use a private train, I just joined him on the journey to our city as a fun and interesting experience.

When I was a young child, we didn't really have much choice of TV channels so all you could watch was what was offered. No smartphones either, so you had to make do. There was this period where they were showing nothing but fluff about the Royal family, and that pissed me off as a bored kid.

So I did something that I'd never done before: I got down on my knees, clasped my hands together and prayed for a certain member of that family to die. One week later they did. The guilt stayed with me for a while, but eventually I got over it convinced that it was mere chance.

Then a few years later, at college, desperate to pass an exam I had no chance of passing, I did the same thing, and passed it with flying colours.

I don't really know what to do with this power, but I know that I should use it sparingly.

This is going to be a bit long, and I'm posting it late, but anyway...

I met a couple former girlfriends through school and such, but not a lot happened until I started online dating. One of the first ones I met that way brought one of her friends along when we met in person because of course meeting a stranger from the internet was scary business (not that this has changed necessarily, but it was new at the time). Anyway after a date or two, things didn't work out with the first girl. I forgot her real name, but I'm making up names anyway so I'll call her Monica since mono=1.

But I later met the friend randomly at work! Small world. I'll call her Jenny. Her real first name is quite rare and would identify her rather precisely. So we started dating, and things seemed to be going ok, but slow. However after my dad died the relationship kinda fell off.

I went back to the dating site and eventually met another girl, I'll call her Amy. We scheduled a date for the local State Fair, and when the time arrived she was clearly really upset about something but still wanted to go on the date. So we did, and she was still visibly upset, but I didn't pry.
Later that day she eventually told the story:

Amy had a few months prior moved to my state from Georgia, and did so because of a boy she had dated before who moved here, but had friendzoned her. And that boy had started seeing someone, and Amy didn't like that, but it hadn't really hit her until that day, when the boy and the girl he was seeing had told each other that they loved each other. But Amy liked me and was trying to move on, so I did what I could to emotionally comfort her (we weren't physical).

Later on (forgot if same night) I invited her back to my place. Now of course I'm a geek and date geeky women, so when I say something stupid like "Want to see the cosplay pics I took at [the local anime convention]?" her response was "Sure".

As I was going through the pictures, she knew many of the characters and even already knew some of the people playing them. At one point as I was about to move on to the next picture her tone changed - she said "Oh, I know her". I raised an eyebrow and asked "Oh really?", and she said "Yes, that's the girl that [boy] is seeing".

After some effort to pick my jaw up from the ground, I managed to explain:
"She's my ex."
Amy asked, "Jenny‽" (Remember, unusual real name, which I hadn't told her)
"Yes." I said.

So while I was dating a girl that recently moved in, her ex was dating my ex. Going over the timelines later, Jenny was probably cheating on me before we broke up.

And no kids, Amy's not ~~your mother~~ my wife. This was many ~~seasons~~ years before.

That i succeeded, in spite of my self.

The craziest story I have is how close I got to becoming part of a crazy story. It's odd now that I think about how my life seems to be censored. Back in high school I was part of a group of friends that would go out on the outskirts of my small hometown to play paintball. We'd play almost every weekend and I'd join them everytime. But, one weekend I didn't join because I think I had a cold or I was working or something. But, that one time I didn't join someone called the cops claiming that they were hearing gunshots going off. Someone called the cops on a bunch of high school kids and thus the cops showed up sporting shotguns and pistols. My friends had guns pulled on them. Luckily, the cops quickly realized what they were doing and left without any more trouble.

That was the one and only time I've almost experienced something even remotely crazy. That was maybe 8 or more years ago.

I survived drinking this one night: 5 pints of strong lager, 8 of those vodka orange juice alco pops, 6 double vodka redbulls and then downed an entire pint of neat vodka.

I experiment with guns (building guns and ammo from scratch) and sometimes I'm drunk or stoned doing it