this post was submitted on 11 Feb 2024
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How do you date? (beehaw.org)
submitted 9 months ago by Gaywallet@beehaw.org to c/chat@beehaw.org
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Recently had a conversation with a good friend about dating, and it had me curious about how everyone on Beehaw approaches dating. Tell me a bit about how you date! Here's a few prompts/thoughts I'm curious about:

  • How long does it take for you to know if you're attracted to someone (sexually, romantically, emotionally, shared interests, etc)?
  • What do you like to do when you date and does it change depending on how many dates you've been on or how well you know the person?
  • Once you start dating someone, how long does it take you to understand whether you want to date the person long term or whether it's not going to work out?
  • Do you only date people you meet in real life or do you use dating apps? How do you approach going from stranger to dating them?
  • What's most important in deciding whether you want to date someone? Do they need to have an interest in activities you enjoy, shared values, emotional intelligence, a certain kind of humor, or something else?
  • Is there something you don't understand about dating and want to share your frustration?
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[–] Butterbee@beehaw.org 10 points 9 months ago (2 children)

"Is there something you don’t understand about dating and want to share your frustration?"

Literally all of it. I do not date full stop. I haven't gone on a date in over a decade, and before that experience it had been another decade. It's almost certainly never going to happen again. I don't understand anything at all about dating. How do you meet people? How do you enjoy time with them? What is even going on?

[–] Gaywallet@beehaw.org 6 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Do you want to date and these questions are more about trying to understand the process and dynamics of dating or are you unsure whether you want to date (or definitely do not want to)?

[–] Butterbee@beehaw.org 5 points 9 months ago (1 children)

It's more to vent than anything! Though I have read the responses so far and I do want to understand how it works for others. Realistically, my questions and uncertainties are something that would take many conversations with a therapist for me to understand how to navigate so I don't expect to learn much aside from curiosity here. I think I would like to find a partner that I'm compatible with perhaps.. but I am not ready and may never be. The dynamics TERRIFY me. Absolutely TERRIFY me.

[–] Gaywallet@beehaw.org 3 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Okay gotcha. To answer some of your questions directly:

  • I mostly find dates from apps, but that's because people are my special interest. I love getting to know how humans work. They absolutely fascinate me, so getting a date means I get to learn about someone new and there's a good chance it'll turn into something longer term.
  • I'm pretty activity agnostic when it comes to dates, I'm there to enjoy socializing with and learning about how people think and what knowledge they can share with me. Often times dates come with activities and that means there's other things to enjoy like a good restaurant, interesting art, connecting with nature, or whatever the date entails
  • What is going on is a great question! I have no idea. I just like spending my time around people who I vibe well with and dating is a way to find them. Sometimes the vibes are mediocre but even then I get to learn how other people view the world and that's really valuable and interesting knowledge to me
[–] Butterbee@beehaw.org 3 points 9 months ago

You sound very adventurous! Thanks for the perspective!

[–] furrowsofar@beehaw.org 3 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago)

I kind of feel the same way. I met my wife through friends after I had kind of given up. So I recommend that approach. I never had any success with the dating to meet someone idea. I was more or less clueless too.

I really have had only two long term relationships. An on and off one with a childhood friend which failed for many reasons but mostly location and career issues. The other is my wife which was after my career got going and I had a stable location. There were a few people I asked out... and even fewer that accepted... and maybe only one that was more then one date.

Moral is you may still end up finding someone after giving up. There is something said for being open even after giving up. It also only takes finding one reasonable person.