Go find a Samsung Galaxy S5. Upgrade the internals, move the button to the side, and you're done. Waterproof, wireless charging, swappable batteries, SD card, headphone jack. It's the last good phone I've used.

No major "supported for 1 generation by the manufacturer then forgotten" hardware gimmicks (if this were a just universe, the guy that suggested the Bixby button would be reassigned to manually unclogging toilets with his hands), no notch (oh Apple, you think we didn't look at the 'functional notch' and start betting on how long before that's gone?), a satin feeling back and shiny bevel made of plastic (it flexes, doesn't bend, and who gives a shit when it's in a case), thin but not so much so that you have to worry about sanding 0.00001 mm off the battery to fit it (0.5mm thicker and 4 more hours of screen on time? Puhlease. My college laptop weight 10 pounds and I took it everywhere. Load up those energon cubes).

You wanna play around with the dimensions and cameras and add a retractable feline flossing utensil? Fine. The phone everyone wants already 99% exists. It's maddening!