Not The Onion

11859 readers

359 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

Links to news stories from...
...credible sources, with...
...their original headlines, that...
...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 1 year ago

MODERATORS

kescusay@lemmy.world

570

Retired teacher’s pension stopped as provider refuses to believe she is not dead (www.theguardian.com)

submitted 8 months ago by RobotToaster@mander.xyz to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world

39 comments fedilink hide all child comments

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments

[–] SpicyAnt@mander.xyz 83 points 8 months ago (6 children)

“In November I had received two letters from Teachers’ Pensions asking me euphemistically if I was dead,”

I am curious about how one euphemistically asks someone if they are dead. Any guess?

[–] squirmy_wormy@lemmy.world 110 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 children)

Dear Mrs McGrath,

Are you napping or are you taking "the big sleep"?

Sincerely, The teachers pension

[–] RobotToaster@mander.xyz 49 points 8 months ago (1 children)

We are writing to enquire as to the current status of your mitochondria.

[–] Tangent5280@lemmy.world 24 points 8 months ago (1 children)

They continue to be the powerhouse of the cell

[–] 69420@lemmy.world 4 points 8 months ago

Mighty Mitochondria

[–] cafeinux@infosec.pub 31 points 8 months ago

Did you recently (or less recently) stop breathing for more than 10 minutes, and if so, are you or not a professional freediver?

[–] aeronmelon@lemmy.world 23 points 8 months ago (1 children)

"Hey Sanka! You dead?"

[–] Wizard_Pope@lemmy.world 9 points 8 months ago

"Naah maaan!"

[–] 520@kbin.social 3 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 children)

Mocking Query: Coorta, Coorta, are you dead yet?

[–] vrojak@kbin.social 2 points 8 months ago

"I thought you had died of old age."
"Died? No. Became stronger? Yes."

[–] Hamartiogonic@sopuli.xyz 1 points 8 months ago

Is anybody there?
No.
Ok, that’s good. For a moment I thought there could be a could be a stabby knife murderer hiding in the closet.
Nope, there’s no one here.

You can guess how the story ends…