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I genuinely wonder what kind of fucking damage you have to have to seek out this shit, wtf...
Seriously, if you're reading this and this appeals to you, I implore you to not feed this machine money and instead confide in a therapist. I'm not judging you for the way you were molded but I will commend you for taking a first step to break out of that mold of your own accord.
In my youth I'd seek out the worst of the worst, back when the Internet was still mostly the wild west. One day I just stopped. Now it makes me sick.
I'm not sure what switch flipped in me. 3 guys, 1 hammer used to bother me a bit, that video of the kid being crushed by the elevator got to me, and there were a few others. But most things just didn't register. Now I don't have any desire to see anything worse than a Saw movie and that's because I know no one was actually hurt.
I will say that in my very young life I was in a terrible situation, and even after that I lived in a less than ideal situation (my adoptive parents are great people, just uneducated and didn't have the time or resources to get me the help I needed). I was very much a product of my environment for many years. I was angry and just wanted to see people hurt because I was hurt. That was probably a huge part of it. One day that just stopped.
So I'll second this call for therapy. You don't have to be this way. I can only speak for myself but I hated being that way. I'm glad I'm not coming up through puberty or my 20s now because there's no telling what the hell I would have gotten up to.