Violating the distinction between content and representation in the form of a few hidden radioboxes or checkboxes to be able to make a JS-less menu strikes me as a reasonable trade-off in a lot of cases.
Pretty advanced UIs things can be done using just CSS. For example, this little tidbit of mine. It's not mobile-optimized, but that's beside the point — the point is a complex interface done without a line of JS. Making it mobile-optimized is possible too, of course.
Are cafés public, or private spaces? Can I just sit at the table next to yours and stream and record your conversation with your friends?