Not quite. To me it rather feels like it's ongoing in the past, continuously, but I can't do anything. It feels like I am an observer of the past me, just watching myself do mistakes over and over. None of the things I can relive. And that extends into the present. I often can't enjoy things even if there is something to enjoy, because I keep thinking "this will be past in the future, and I will never experience it again". Sometimes it even feels like the present is just a memory that I am thinking of in the future.
this post was submitted on 01 Jan 2024
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I don't think strangers on the internet will provide you with answers. You will need to put in the work yourself to get an answer.
Questions for you: Are you your environment? Are you your hands? Are you your thoughts? Are you your emotions? Are you your subconscious? Are you your memories?
Are you the experience that you experience? Or are you the part that experiences?
Can you see that part? Does that part changes over time?
I would recommend reading philosophy books and ponder about this stuff.
You can go to past, but nobody is there anymore
Depends on how you define death. If death is only physical and biological, then no, you are very much alive.
If death is metaphorical yes, we die and we are reborn every second. We live in constant state of transformation, not crossing the same river twice and all that.
To me time seems to be just an illusion that we exist inside of due to the nature of how our ego functions. Have you ever considered time to be more like a statue? That's how I feel. Every moment exists infinitely, like it's hanging right there in space time, and so it isn't the same as death, but more like a distance we can't cross.
I highly recommend the book Introduction to Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz. It’s helped me a lot, and boils down to the idea that we have “parts,” and that our thoughts and feelings can sometimes be diametrically opposite.
It, along with being able to speak with zero inhibitions to my therapist that makes me feel heard and my thoughts not seem batshit insane, has really brought up a lot of old memories and scared parts of myself. What I thought was anxiety, I’m learning to notice as a fear I’ve had for as long as I can remember, and that fear helped me survive a lot of my early years of trauma.
I can guarantee that this book will give you a sense of the answer you’re asking for.
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I think you’re growing (though not always for the better) at least as much as you’re “dying”. I say “at least” because you understand more and have more life experience, and, in many cases, you’re better able to appreciate things than you were when you were younger.
Your personality undergoes too much change to simply describe it as “dying”. That’s only half of what’s going on.