Asklemmy

In kindergarden, I started running around the class with a pair of scissors in my hand. Tripped and the blades went right between my right eyeball and my skull.

Somehow nothing important was damaged (just a lot of bleeding and a very frightened teacher). I still have 2 functioning eyes, and I never again ran holding sharp objects.

Soldering iron with needle tip, hot and full of tin. Power plug stuck in the extension cord connector.

Took the iron pointing towards me in the right hand together with the cord plug and pulled ......... Plug suddenly came free and the hot iron tip stuck in my left arm.

Pulled it out and it was clean, hole in the arm filled with tin residues. Didn't hurt to much because nerves were dead around the hole.

Went straight to the hospital, took 3 weeks and a lot of cleaning to get the wound clean.

When I was a kid my brother was pushing me on a roundabout at the local park. He was pushing faster and faster, and centrifugal force did its thing. I could have held on tighter, but problem was I had an ice lolly in one hand and refused to let go of it, so could only hold onto the roundabout with one hand.

And that is how I ended up face down in the dirt, holding this lolly above my head because even in the crucial moment I prioritised it over protecting my face, and with a fake front tooth for the rest of my life.

My wife yawned and dislocated her jaw. She had to go to hospital to get it fixed. Oh, the drooling...

When I was a kid I was playing with a stapler and I wondered if I could stop the staple coming out with my thumb….. I couldn’t

Senior year of high school. I'd been losing weight for a couple of years and was now down to a point where athleticism of any kind was starting to be possible. I was late for gym class and didn't feel like running a mile as punishment for tardiness, so I decided to take a shortcut by not going all the way down to the end of the road to get to the field.

I vividly recall thinking to myself, "I'll just jump over that guardrail!"

My feet hooked the back of the guardrail, I flipped over it and landed hard. Broke my wrist.

Router bit in a drill press, trying to round over the edge on a small bit of wood. Of course the wood got snagged, and pulled my hand underneath the router bit. Somehow ended up with only a row of flesh wounds across my fingers. Could have easily broken some bones or sever some tenons.

Took my daughter to the skate park to practice her skateboarding. She was off the board, and I was going to try getting on. She asked if I wanted any tips. I said I didn't need any.

In my mind, I was going to get on there and immediately start doing 900s. OK, not really, but I thought I'd ride it a few feet and turn it back over to her.

Instead, I stood on the board. It immediately came out from under me. I reflexively caught myself with my hand and fractured my wrist. 🤦‍♂️

Wouldn't say it was stupid in that it was the result of me doing anything stupid, but it definitely felt pretty stupid when I managed to get myself a 4 inch splinter from a wooden guardrail fully embedded in my leg in a hospital parking lot of all places. The best part was, because I was just a kid, and the hospital didn't treat children, we had to drive to an entirely different hospital because of it.

I was showing off for a girl I was seeing, using my pullup bar. I live in a small cabin so it's over the only doorframe that had clearance for the handles- the one between my kitchen and bathroom. I pull myself up and it strikes me as a good idea to put my feet up on the bar to attempt to hang by the legs.

Naturally, my feet go backwards over my head, feeling like I'm about to rip my rotator cuffs, I just drop. Straight onto a tile floor. Knock the wind out of myself and shockingly I don't hit my head. Hurt my back, shoulders, and pride quite a bit.

Fell up the stairs. Had to visit a hospital, got a splint.

Looking back, I always did stupid things as a kid.

This one time, when I was 12, I ran over a hornet's nest with my bicycle. It was in the middle of the road, and I noticed it way too late. The thing cracked open, I realized what was happening, and went full speed downhill.

I decided to do something extra stupid, and stood on the handlebars in an attempt to jump off. The bike flipped, I fell, and my arm dragged all the way down the street before the bike fell on top of me.

In hindsight, there may have been no hornet's nest.

This but using my head (almost broke my neck lol).

What I'm about to tell you is the absolute true, I swear on my mom.

I was 13 and had just started being kinky and stuff. I had some porn DVDs, inherited from my father, after him and my mother broke up and I went to live with her.

Anyway, I was just discovering my body, and was home alone when I had the brilliant idea to ride my sofa arm, completely naked. I started simulating as if I was fucking it from above. One, two, three pumps and then boom. Something hurt.

I looked at my dick and it was bleeding a lot. Blood spilling on the ground immediately and I fucking freaked out. I was certain I would have to amputate, or at the very least be very ashamed at the hospital explaining how the fuck that happened.

I turned it around to look when I calmed down a bit and I had ripped my frenulum. It was wide open, the frenulum itself hanging and the part it was removed completely red, bloody, I could see inside.

I tried to cry, but couldn't, I just had to solve it, and could tell nobody about it, which would probably be worse, I thought. I put some toilet paper and it eventually stopped bleeding and wasn't hurting that much anymore.

Took a shower, it burned as I did it, put my underwear and went on to leave to school. As I was leaving my house, my mom is arriving. I had to tell her, I was worried something bad could happen. Told her "I cut my dick". She asked, freaked out "WHAT? HOW? WHAT HAPPENED? DOES IT HURT?". I shook it off, said it was okay now, but I was scared, she asked me to see it, I showed her, she said wtf, let's go to the hospital, I said no, it doesn't hurt anymore. I'll go to school. She asked "how did that happen?" And I could only come up with "I was playing horse rider on the sofa but did it too quickly". I doubt she believed that shit, but I carried on.

She kept asking me for days how it was, and it just kept healing. In the end, it healed completely, and glued back to the skin. It has a scar, but it probably just looks like a normal, uninjured frenulum, and I don't really think had any bad consequences outside of showing my dick to my mom as a teenager.

After watching many episodes of the Three Stooges, having a buddy light a jumping jack in my back right pocket. I was like 7 or 8. Needless to say 44 years later the scar remains. And yes it hurt like hell and the healing process (band aids sticking to the burn) is something I will remember forever.

I was about to do my second 5 km lunch walk in a week after building up to it. I went to cross a street, caught my toe in a pothole, and snapped the end of my tibula. After limping across, I realized it was probably broken and had to call my manager to drive me to the hospital.

Had to wait two weeks after the emergency room to see a doctor. That doctor blew me off and didn't want to deal with it. Partner insisted because I could feel my bones grinding whenever I moved. Got a cast, doctor blew me off again after I had it removed.

I've been limping every since.

I only indirectly caused this injury, but...

My closet has those wooden doors that fold open, right? So basically like two very skinny but heavy wooden doors with a hinge between them that fold. One of them came off the tracks. I sat it propped up against the edge of the closet door frame because I didn't have what I needed to fix it at the time.

The next morning, I wake up to the dogs playing. It was still early so I closed my eyes to go back to sleep. Next thing I hear is a loud thud, followed by something smacking me directly in the face. The dogs had bumped the closet door, knocked it over, and it landed directly onto my face in bed. Since I didn't even have my eyes open I didn't even see it coming to try to move out of the way. It's a miracle I was able to rush into the bathroom before blood starting pouring out everywhere.

So basically by not putting the closet door somewhere safer where it couldn't get knocked over (or at least somewhere to where it wouldn't fall towards me if it did), I set up a Rube Goldberg machine to break my own nose.

Take your pick from a curated selection:

• As a kid: broke my arm doing a cartwheel (was trying to impress an older, cooler cousin)
• As a teen: fell in the pool while scooping leaves out of it with one of those long nets, scraping all the skin off one of my thighs on the pool edge as I fell, then proceeded to scrape the skin off the other shin plus tore out a big toenail in my frantic effort to get out of the pool
• Also as a teen: hit by a car & badly concussed because I did not look before disembarking a tram (this was also the driver's fault for not stopping tho! but I still should have looked, oops)
• This year: fell down the stairs of my loft apartment because I forgot steps were a thing I needed to step on, busting open my elbow and getting a rude shock to the spine in the process (am fine now but it was hard to walk for a few weeks, oops)

Tried to climb out of a large two-wheeled paper bin which tipped over causing my head to hit the edge of a brick wall. Fortunately I wore a bicycle helmet because I wanted to go for a ride so only was unconscious for a while, had a concussion and a deep cut under my chin from the strap of the helmet.

We were having a bonfire one night when I was in my mid 20s and we were burning 2 couches on the fire. During the time, I was the ONLY sober one but wanted to really impress this girl so I thought "I've seen fast and the furious before" and thought I could jump through the flames. I was clearly wrong with that one and burned the entire left-hand side of my body with 2nd and 3rd degree burns. Surprisingly, I didn't scar whatsoever but my god that was painful.

I've tried to monetize my API to get rid of third-party apps and I thought my users wouldn't care. God was I wrong!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Shotgunning beers down at a friend's house, with a big ol hunting knife, like 8" long, real rambo thing.

Started getting really drunk, as one does. So I was getting a bit cocky, as one does.

Did a few cans with just a quick stab and twist, showing off like.

Soooooo.....I stabbed myself in the hand pretty bad. Should have got stitches, but, as previously stated, drunk and cocky.

When I was a child I played a boardgame on my bed with my sibling. When I lost I let my self fall back in frustration and for dramatic effect. I thought I would just hit my mattress, instead I hit my bedframe with my head. Some screaming and bleeding later we went to the hospital for some stiches.

TLDR: played board game ended up in hospital

This was circa 2003 when I was a 5 or 6 yo gremlin.

I was jumping on my aunt's couch like a maniac, slipped and hit my forehead on a glass table's corner; full-speed.

The table shattered, my cranium shattered and the only thing I remember is that, on the way to the hospital, the city was cold as hell.

And now I look like a penis :)

Running over a push broom with my riding mower, like stepping on a rake but much worse.

Trying to burn a spider on a clothing line with a lighter, and having melting plastic drip on my skin.

Having ADHD and quoting Walter White, "I am not injuring myself, I am the injury."

Riding a heavy chopper motorcycle in mid-winter on icy roads. That's ~25years ago by now and I still have the scars on my shins.

Slipped on concrete entrance to indoor building at college in 2003. Herniated disc in spine according to MRI. Was just a few feet from being away from the cold ice.

Swapped bicycles with a classmate, it was a very old one and he wasn't familiar with how the brake handles were positioned, so he slammed into my side and the wheels got bent and locked up, sending me flying into the grass on the side of the road lol It wasn't that bad besides a few scratches and bruises, but the bikes were a bit worse off...

A more recent contender is when I slammed my right thumb into a door frame at full speed and almost broke it, I had to get an xray to confirm everything was fine.

Sleeping! I developed a reocurring back/hip/core issue by sleeping on my stomach my entire life. I also stick one leg out and that apparently pulls some muscles in ways they shouldnt so i have to try to sleep on my side with a pillow between my legs now. It's impossible to do all night though. I always wake up on my stomach. I have this whole stretching routine i have to do everyday now or the issues slowly start coming back. All cuz i sleep weird.

I love running into stuff, for some reason. Recently ran into a lamp post while talking to the people at my side and not looking ahead. Also, missing door handles by just a bit and running into the door is a common thing.

Cutting tape and I managed to slice my finger

unconsciously fell down while trying to park a bike. Kinda very early morning 😴