Relationship Advice

TBH if this is being caused by just videos of you and your ex doing harmless things, it sounds like she’s not really ready for an adult relationship and needs to talk to a professional to handle it possibly.

If she can’t accept that people have relationships with others, she’s mental

How do I fix this or make it upto her???

Simply put? You don't. She needs to get over this. Delete the video, of course, there's no reason to have it saved anymore anyway, but then she needs to get the fuck over the fact that you've been in a relationship before.

But be more open with her. You being evasive was not the best move and you need to account for that, but her digging into your past relationship was stupid she'll have to come to terms with that. You guys are young and you're making young people mistakes. You'll get through it.

Your girlfriend "stalked" your ex and watched all of her YouTube videos?

Do you think that's a bit much?

Honestly, you both sound like you have some maturing to do. She's got insecurity/jealousy/stalkerish problems, and you're acting like you have something to hide (dodging her questions was your first mistake).

Based on your description, you didn't do anything wrong in your previous relationship. You don't need to hide or act like it's retroactive cheating.

By the same token, your girlfriend needs to learn to not ask questions when she doesn't actually want to hear the answers.

I'd suggest that you give her a bit more space. Give her time to miss you and to get over herself.

I'm trying to be as gentle and understanding of her as possible but it all comes down to her having issues with immaturity around relationships and trust issues.

First she went looking for trouble by stalking. Then she found media if your previous relationship by accident. Then she refuses to participate in healthy and reasonable discussion.

I'm trying to find a way that she's not at fault, but this is all her fault.

You are allowed to have had a life prior to meeting her, just as she's allowed to have had a life before you.

You will also have a life after each other.

If she can't put her big girl pants on and discuss an issue between immediately and 24 hours then that's bad behaviour on her part.

Far as I can see she's not yet mature enough to be in a relationship, and that's on her.

I don't know what you held back when she asked about your previous relationship, it might have been things that you're very much entitled to hold back... it not. You may or may not owe an apology for this, but she sure owes you an apology for her shitty behaviour.

I don't have a more polite way of putting this, and as a woman I just can't sympathize.

She fucked around and found out.

What was she expecting? I'm going to snoop into my boyfriend's most intimate moments with their ex, unprompted, and... THEN WHAT? CRY ABOUT IT? Your girlfriend is a dumbass. She hurts herself and then she takes it out on you? Not a single bit of this is your fault. If she's giving you grief, ignore her or exit the relationship if she can't get over it. Holy fuck I'm annoyed by this story.

Don't dodge your partner's questions about exes. Answer honestly. Don't chase -- this is ridiculous.

However, assure in the most non-blaming way positive that you want to be with her and why. And that you absolutely don't want your ex.

Now, given the situation, it's probably best to compose a long text message. Work on it offline. Give it some thought, don't just brain dump.

And then give her however much time she needs to either change her mind or not.

But essentially someone that insecure will have to work on it. With some of your help. An oh boy this will not be the last time a tantrum like that happens.

I don’t know that you can fix it because it sounds like her issue. I obviously don’t know the contents of the video but it sounds like you have done everything to assure her that you are committed to her and want to be in a relationship with her. People have pasts and if she cannot accept that then it is something she needs to work on not you.

This is a her problem, not a you problem. She needs to get over it. You didn't do anything wrong. She's being immature and needs to grow up.

Small question: Why did you dodge "just about every question"? I think that would concern me more than any of the videos would if I were her. :(

Is this about having the video, or that you had sex in a prior relationship? It should be about the first, but it sounds like it's about the second. That's deep seated insecurity on her part. Frankly she will have to accept that you had a prior relationship, you had sex, etc. You can be polite in this regard (sounds like you have been) and help her through it, but ultimately it's something that she will have to accept.

You’re 22. Go fuck someone else - this girl has red flags all over the place.

She’s mad/upset because you have a past. Guess what? We all do. She needs to grow up.

She's got problems. She's torturing herself with old media of your previous relationship for no reason and resenting and blaming you for it. If she can't grow up you shouldn't have to deal with it.

Like the others said:

She needs to grow up, accept that you had a previous relationship before this and that's ok.

You need to also accept that that's ok and stop acting like you've got something to hide. You're not protecting her or your relationship by doing that, you're just making yourself look suspicious and untrustworthy. #1 trait of every good relationship is trust, even if that means saying difficult things now and then. A relationship without trust is not one worth having.

Here's the thing, you were caught dodging questions about your ex (don't think for a second she didn't notice) and now she finds an intimate video on your laptop.

You have to realise how that can paint a very damning picture for her. The worst part wasn't the video, but the fact that you were dodging questions. If it wasn't for this, you could have explained it, but given how you were dodging questions about your ex, now she's going to doubt any answer you gave her.

There is a fundamental issue of if she can trust you. And you've painted a pretty damning picture.

If you want to address anything, address this part. Invite her to ask her anything and everything, even the parts you don't want to bring up.

I think the first partner second partner is key here. The rest is just the result of that. Natural curiosity into your past and no experience to understand where that curiosity inevitably leads is a recipe for despair and jealousy on her part. As someone who was on the other side of an…investigation… like this she does need to wake up and understand that right now, you are her partner. I wouldn’t just let her suffer though, try to be more outward in terms of your dedication to her. She seems sad in the same way a person feels when they have lost a competition. It hurts more because you know someone else had more/did better than you. So, compete! Unfortunately she has seen your old relationship in detail—likely a distorted version bc social media. Maybe try to tell her about things that weren’t great in your old relationship. Tell her things she does better than the old girl, maybe how much more attractive you find her. What’s killer here is the contrast between what she feels she has and what she feels the other girl had. Wash away that contrast, even flip it.

You dodged her questions? Why?

From her perspective, her brain is basically responding in the same way as if she caught you having sex in person. I know you didn't cheat on her. She knows it too. But there's still a subconscious part that is going to respond that way because brains don't naturally understand video and real life. Depending on how new the relationship is, there may not be enough of a bridge to repair yet. Sometimes relationships fail through no fault of either party. Mistakes happen. It especially depends on how you acted on the relationship video and prank videos. Even if it was "for the camera", if you appear differently in those videos than now, she may not fully trust which version is you. It depends on how strong that foundation was beforehand and simply the ages of everyone involved. Young relationships are messy because no one has much life experience about what's happening, and a lot of times it's from TV, movies, and music.