this post was submitted on 03 Dec 2024
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Wife needs surgery (child planning) advice (lemmy.world)
submitted 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) by Grogon@lemmy.world to c/casualconversation@lemm.ee
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Hey.

My wife needs a surgery that will be on the 10th January next year.

It can't wait longer, it might be cancer but not 100% cancer, could be myom or just cells (skin?) that started growing but they aren't sure.

I will try to make this short: it has to be removed and they aren't sure if they need to remove the uterus and now comes the problem

I don't want kids and if I do, only in 3-5 years ( she as well) but if they have to remove it completly, which they only know on the day the surgery is we can't anymore.

We talked today and said it wouldn't change much if kids now or in 4 years, but tbh I am not even sure and she isn't either if we want kids at all. It's frustrating cause it seems like we might have time if the surgery goes as planned and the uterus doesn't need to be removed at all.

It's not even a guarantee if we would try now anyways, most likely not cause of stress (maybe cancer, maybe not) on her side, my side, and general it's not easy to get pregnant.

I had cancer myself 12 years ago and not even sure if I can have kids myself, if my sperm is "good enough". I have some frozen, but that is it...

Any life suggestions? Trying to make kids on the fly now seems like a dumb idea but will we regret it if she can't have kids again?!

Sorry for bad english. And sorry for writing so "wild" I just can't get my thoughts straight. I am confused.

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[–] corvi@lemm.ee 23 points 3 weeks ago

You don’t have time to have a kid before this surgery if it’s in January, and I don’t think either of you want this stress.

Best cast scenario, it’s not cancer, move forward however.

Worst case, you have to decide between terminating the pregnancy or removing the cancer.

And the inability to have biological children does not preclude you from becoming parents. Yes, it’s a much more complicated process to adopt/deal with surrogacy/etc. , but you’re not completely cutting off the option to raise a new generation.

[–] sunbrrnslapper@lemmy.world 13 points 3 weeks ago

I worked with a lady who had something similar and had a hysterectomy. While I'm sure there was a lot of disappointment in the beginning, they leaned into their hobbies and currently lead an awesome life filled with travel and video games. Alternatively, there's always adoption or surrogacy. Talk with your wife and see what path sounds best to you two.

[–] LastoftheDinosaurs@reddthat.com 10 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I'd try anyways to avoid the possibility of regret later, even though it's dumb.

You mentioned that you have some sperm frozen, but have you guys considered freezing some eggs too?

[–] Grogon@lemmy.world 2 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

Thats a good idea... but if a uterus is completly removed, how does it work?

[–] LastoftheDinosaurs@reddthat.com 9 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

A surrogate. That's why I'd try first, since you can never really go back once it's removed

[–] Mesophar@lemm.ee 6 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

But if the surgery can't be pushed back from January, that's not enough time for a pregnancy. That's barely enough time to tell whether she is pregnant or not if they tried right now.

So the decision isn't timing or regret, it's whether they value her potential well being over the ability to have natural born children. With surrogacy and adoption as options later, I know what my decision would be in that situation.

[–] LastoftheDinosaurs@reddthat.com 2 points 3 weeks ago

Yeah, I didn't really think it through. It sounds like a painful decision

[–] klemptor@startrek.website 1 points 3 weeks ago

Are they removing her ovaries too?

[–] Mammothmothman@lemmy.ca 5 points 3 weeks ago

Kids are life on hardmode. They need so much of everything and take up so much time. Also you could adopt.

[–] RBWells@lemmy.world 4 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Pregnancy can accelerate some sorts of cancer too - it's obviously your/her call but I would be very worried about the potential harm to your wife, more than the risk of infertility. ( ETA: I know not one, but two single fathers who lost their wives because of cancer that accelerated during pregnancy and the women would not abort to get treated and died soon after giving birth.)

Sorry you are going through this, and I hope it's resolved easily and your fears are not realized.

[–] stinky@redlemmy.com 4 points 3 weeks ago

You can be completely fulfilled without children. There are so many people in your family, in your community, who need you.

[–] oldfart@lemm.ee 1 points 2 weeks ago

Having kids sucks, having kids with a medical condition is a nightmare. I'm glad at least my partner is in good health. Sounds like you're after 30 so the child craze should be gone by now.

I also "wanted" offspring in indefinite future. It turned out I didn't really want children.