this post was submitted on 31 Oct 2024
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Relationship Advice

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Breaking free from the "wounded healer" pattern - need advice NSFW (self.relationship_advice)
submitted 3 weeks ago by wildflowertea to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
9 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

[Mention of past abuse, narcissist parent, gaslighting.]

I (F) am having a tough time with the fallout from a relationship with a man that ended two months ago, and I'd appreciate some advice from other people who've experienced something similar or have some words about how to break the cycle.

We started dating under the premise of being poly/ENM. Together, we created a genuinely safe space where I could process past relationship trauma. For the first time, I felt capable of opening up without pressure or feeling like some "poor hurt demi-ace woman" trophy to be won.

Then came the withdrawal. During my 2.5-week trip abroad, he became distant. When asked why, he said he wasn't sure and needed time. A week of silence later, as I was heading home by train, he sent a breakup text explaining he'd realised he wasn't poly and wanted monogamy + kids (hard no for me).

This revelation? From one conversation with his best friend. One. After months of thinking he was poly, he had one talk and completely switched tracks, and instead of discussing these feelings with me, he withdrew and panicked, convinced I'd jump him and act like nothing had changed. Despite my consistent respect for boundaries and careful approach to intimacy, he created a fantasy version of me that matched his fears rather than reality.

I'm seething at the cowardice, but also drowning in compassion. I feel his withdrawal is a self-preservation mechanism from childhood trauma with a narcissistic parent, and he's fighting hard to overcome a saviour syndrome that kept him in past relationships well past their expiration date.

But honestly, I believe I stumbled too. When we finally met to talk, I was so disappointed and emotionally overwhelmed I could barely put words together, and I told him our time together "hadn't been worth it" - pure hurt speaking and untrue, but what is done is done.

Then, unable to let go overnight, I suggested staying online friends. He agreed but needed "time to process". What followed was a week of more withdrawal from him, ending with him demanding explanations for my words and behaviour while dismissing my pain. 

When I sent an audio explaining my hurt and suggesting we take some time apart, he responded with a text gaslighting me once again, twisting everything into being about his feelings. I ended up blocking him - betraying my own values of communication and reconciliation.

Now I'm dating myself, doing many things I wanted to do with him. With a partner. He lives in an area I've always loved and frequented, and I refuse to make my world smaller for him, so I haven't stopped going. We've already crossed each other a couple of times. I smiled, because I truly don't hate him nor wish him harm, and he acted like I wasn't there. Still the urge to reach out, to help... it lingers and it sucks.

I catch myself constantly hoping for dialogue, wanting to listen, to support… and I know this isn't healthy - ffs I've even stayed in contact with my abuser thinking my presence might prevent him from hurting other women.

And I know I sound fucking self-righteous and saintlike, and yet I feel anything but.

How can I redirect this energy back to myself? How can I stop trying to fix others and focus on my own healing? I'd love to hear any tips from those who've broken this pattern.

Thanks all 🖤

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[–] GBU_28@lemm.ee 9 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

No offense, but this sounds like a breakup, straight up. There's always conflict, hurt feelings, miscommunications, unclear intentions, etc during a breakup.

I'm not minimizing how you're feeling, but it does seem like you're hoping there will be the same level of trust and high quality communication during a period of the relationship when it's by default unavailable.

This person decided on another path, and as such has a whole new set of priorities. It sucks for what was before.

[–] wildflowertea 1 points 3 weeks ago

Thanks for your words – and no offence at all.

On previous breakups, I’ve always managed to talk things through to figure a good way to deal with our feelings. I put my priorities aside and offered my time and energy to soften the fall, but I guess this time it didn’t work because he really wasn’t willing.

He said himself he felt stupid for not even considering I wouldn’t want to see him again, so online friendship wasn’t really a real option for him. Never was.

Now I’m just trying to figure out how to redirect my need to support towards myself, and it’s being a struggle. It feels like going against my instincts.

But yeah. You are correct. It sucks for what was before.

[–] Sundial@lemm.ee 7 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

In what way was he gaslighting you?

Based on what I've read this man has developed, or accepted, values that don't align with how you initially wanted the relationship to be. If he's using this to gaslight you into being a person you don't want to be, then why are you chasing him? Do you really want to be with someone that does this?

[–] wildflowertea 1 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Thanks for your comment!

Gaslighting is (as far as I learnt, and among other things) negating the other person’s feelings/reality and making it about your own.

And as I mentioned, it is not that I don’t see the unhealthy reaction my mind is having, it is that I don’t know how to break it.

I see I shouldn’t. I know he doesn’t deserve it. It just doesn’t click and never has, and I’m looking for tools to break this cycle once and for all.

[–] Sundial@lemm.ee 2 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Its clear this man does not respect you or your feelings. Ending a relationship out of the blue, dismissing your feelings, gaslighting you. These aren't signs of someone who actually cares about you.

I know I have a limited view in a pretty messy situation but based on what I've read you haven't really done anything wrong. You outlined how you wanted the relationship to be and you both came to an agreement, you communicated why you were hurt and he doesn't seem to care. If I'm being perfectly honest, he doesn't deserve the amount of patience and kindness you've shown him. Prioritize your mental health first. If that means no longer talking to him then so be it.

[–] wildflowertea 1 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

I see the truth in your words. Thank you. I guess in the end the only tool that’ll teach me how to redirect all that kindness towards myself is time and people’s scorn.

It is almost a full time job to create boundaries you were never taught, isn’t it?

Thanks again.

[–] Sundial@lemm.ee 2 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

You're being too harsh on yourself. You're kindness wasn't misplaced. You should be kind to the people in your life. The fact that he betrayed your kindness and trust doesn't reflect poorly on you, only him.

You learn from your mistakes, that's what's important. Learn to love yourself and expect to be loved. You aren't perfect, but that doesn't mean you aren't deserving of love and respect. Be kinder to yourself.

Wishing you the best of luck in all this. I'm sorry you have to go through it.

[–] wildflowertea 1 points 3 weeks ago

You are correct. Kindness comes naturally to me when directed towards others, but it's always been a struggle to show it to myself.

Thank you. Here goes nothing 🌱

[–] wildflowertea 1 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

I’ve tried to find how to mark this as NSFW via the Voyager app, because the Cursed Site™️ method doesn’t seem to work. I’ll log in from my computer and do it from there!