this post was submitted on 31 Oct 2024
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Relationship Advice

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Breaking free from the "wounded healer" pattern - need advice NSFW (self.relationship_advice)
submitted 1 month ago by wildflowertea to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
11 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

[Mention of past abuse, narcissist parent, gaslighting.]

I (F) am having a tough time with the fallout from a relationship with a man that ended two months ago, and I'd appreciate some advice from other people who've experienced something similar or have some words about how to break the cycle.

We started dating under the premise of being poly/ENM. Together, we created a genuinely safe space where I could process past relationship trauma. For the first time, I felt capable of opening up without pressure or feeling like some "poor hurt demi-ace woman" trophy to be won.

Then came the withdrawal. During my 2.5-week trip abroad, he became distant. When asked why, he said he wasn't sure and needed time. A week of silence later, as I was heading home by train, he sent a breakup text explaining he'd realised he wasn't poly and wanted monogamy + kids (hard no for me).

This revelation? From one conversation with his best friend. One. After months of thinking he was poly, he had one talk and completely switched tracks, and instead of discussing these feelings with me, he withdrew and panicked, convinced I'd jump him and act like nothing had changed. Despite my consistent respect for boundaries and careful approach to intimacy, he created a fantasy version of me that matched his fears rather than reality.

I'm seething at the cowardice, but also drowning in compassion. I feel his withdrawal is a self-preservation mechanism from childhood trauma with a narcissistic parent, and he's fighting hard to overcome a saviour syndrome that kept him in past relationships well past their expiration date.

But honestly, I believe I stumbled too. When we finally met to talk, I was so disappointed and emotionally overwhelmed I could barely put words together, and I told him our time together "hadn't been worth it" - pure hurt speaking and untrue, but what is done is done.

Then, unable to let go overnight, I suggested staying online friends. He agreed but needed "time to process". What followed was a week of more withdrawal from him, ending with him demanding explanations for my words and behaviour while dismissing my pain. 

When I sent an audio explaining my hurt and suggesting we take some time apart, he responded with a text gaslighting me once again, twisting everything into being about his feelings. I ended up blocking him - betraying my own values of communication and reconciliation.

Now I'm dating myself, doing many things I wanted to do with him. With a partner. He lives in an area I've always loved and frequented, and I refuse to make my world smaller for him, so I haven't stopped going. We've already crossed each other a couple of times. I smiled, because I truly don't hate him nor wish him harm, and he acted like I wasn't there. Still the urge to reach out, to help... it lingers and it sucks.

I catch myself constantly hoping for dialogue, wanting to listen, to support… and I know this isn't healthy - ffs I've even stayed in contact with my abuser thinking my presence might prevent him from hurting other women.

And I know I sound fucking self-righteous and saintlike, and yet I feel anything but.

How can I redirect this energy back to myself? How can I stop trying to fix others and focus on my own healing? I'd love to hear any tips from those who've broken this pattern.

Thanks all 🖤

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[–] Strawberry@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Gaslighting is (as far as I learnt, and among other things) negating the other person’s feelings/reality and making it about your own.

This isn't what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is a form of abuse wherein the abuser lies to the victim about their perception and memory of reality, to make them question their memory and sanity. It is not when someone expresses their emotions while being dismissive of another's emotions

[–] wildflowertea 1 points 1 week ago

Thanks for your comment. It was hard to explain the extend of it at that time.

I basically apologised for having said it hadn’t been worth it and how I needed time to process my emotions, and he replied saying that until I apologised and explained what I wanted, he had the right not to want to interact with me.

When I apologised again and explained why I’d said what I’d said, he once again made it about his feelings and asked for an apology and for an explanation. It was making me feel really confused and disoriented, and I had to listen to my audios a couple of times to make sure I’d said what I’d said.