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Seems like my Partner cant do anything alone? (lemmy.world)
submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) by Grogon@lemmy.world to c/casualconversation@lemm.ee
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Hey. I might be judging this Situation wrong but I feel like my wife cant do anything alone and she never leaves the house and I have no time for me.

Sorry but my phone is making capitel Letters cause english isnt my main language and sorry for Bad english.

My wife and I are 31 and been together 12 years. I love her.

Since a few years I notice how all her friends moved away, she failed her exams and has nothing. So I understand her Situation.

I noticed she cant do anything alone or always wants me to join in even though we spent the whole day together already.

She cant just bake a cake. She always ask if I can help and Im like sure okay and in the end all I do is messure sugar, melt butter... its like a thing Id do alone to unwind.

She wants to go eat ice in town. I say no I dont wsnt to and she is like "okay" and goes watching TV. I wsnt to play computer but feel bad because she is bored, watches no shows... all she does is watch garden tv where they build St.pid Pools lol.

If I were her Id go without "me" and unwind. Heck, if she wants to stsy home I go drink coffee alone or with friend and just scroll reddit and watch ppl. She cant. She stays home and waits til im done playing. The thing is I could play forever. My friends all play starcraft and overwatch.

But if I do play I cant enjoy it cause I have a wife a room next to me being bored. I feel like I have to entertain her.

She has no hobbies, all her friends moved away, she has no job,... and if I were hin her Position Id still be fine cause I have so much to do. I can go swim, watch ppl, do nothing, play games, read, cook etc and all alone. Sometimes I enjoy if Im alone which is rare.

This weekend she visits her friends and is gone til tomorrow and its sad because now I feel so free. I can sleep in without feeling bad, i can game all night. This morning I was in the local Spa and just sat in whirlpool 3 hours alone. It was so good knowing I can do all that without having the feeling to entertain someone waiting for me.

I feel so bad. I feel bad for wishing to live alone again or maybe wishing shed be gone atleast once a week. If I coulf only have like 1 or 2 days I wouldnzt see anyone id be happy. I mean no one. Im really happy alone, I can Bing watch shows or podcasts and be happy. Take my phone or pc and Id just go to the local coffee store and sit for 4 hours.

Maybe Im the problem because I feel like I dont need anyone. I love her though and cant wait til she comes back tomorrow but those 2 days are so nice.

Another random examples of what I mean:

  1. She wants to cook and is hungry. Im not hungry and dont wanna cook. She eats cereal. If I were her Id still cook lol. Now I feel bad cause she is eating garbage cause I dont wanna cook and eat.

  2. She wants to visit her parents. Okay, fine but I stay home. She: Ill go lay down

Mh okay? Now I cant go to the local coffee Shop and drink coffee cause she is sleeping cause I dont want to go to her parents. Okay I could go to the coffee Shop but I now know she is either joining, which is fine, but rather would go to her parents. I feel bad again.

  1. Vacation. I ask where she wants to go this year, she says she doesnt care. I say mh ok... Thailand? She says "we were there last year" and Im like "yeah was nice" and now I know she doesnt want to go there but cant say a Different destination. Now Im stuck. I ask Malaysia. She says "maybe".

Wtf now I cant book a flight. I know she wants to go to Sri Lanka. Why cant she just say it???

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[–] Diplomjodler3@lemmy.world 34 points 3 months ago

Your wife seems depressed. Try to get therapy for her.

[–] Wes4Humanity@lemm.ee 21 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Hey, while I agree with the others that it could be depression, there are a number of things that could be going on, but all of them are mental health related. I hope you're in a country that has at least started to take mental health seriously. Could be codependent attachment, or ADHD, etc... you should definitely get her professional help. You could offer to go to couples counseling to ease her into it without making it feel like you're attacking her. Say you feel like you're struggling with communicating in your relationship and you'd like the two of you to see a counselor to help figure that out. If you find a good therapist they should recognize that's there's an issue with your wife and possibly suggest individual counseling as well. Good luck!

[–] neidu2@feddit.nl 12 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I've been on both sides of this dynamic. While it can be summed up as depression, I want to put it in the words I felt: Her world feels very small right now. Because it is very small. And she's holding on to what little remains of it that isn't inside her own head.

The solution is "simple": The depression needs to end. I'm not the one to tell you how this can be achieved for her, but I can tell you what worked for me:

  1. Does she realize that she's depressed? I sure as shit didn't. And that only made ut gradually worse.
  2. What does she like to do? It wouldn't surprise me if "nothing" is the current answer, but is there any hobbies, old or new, that she could pick up (again)?
[–] DarkThoughts@fedia.io 1 points 3 months ago

Depression was my immediate thought as well, maybe anxiety. Especially with her failed exams and friends moving away. I wonder if OP ever talked to her about it though? It doesn't sound like he even has an idea what's going through her head and why she does or doesn't do things, which sounds like a big communication issue.

[–] inlandempire@jlai.lu 10 points 3 months ago (1 children)

What do you do together ?

[–] Grogon@lemmy.world 16 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

We have dogs, take care and walk a lot, Series, most of the time cook, yard,... we built a house this year. Short Trips to cities, we do a lot together (,imo) but nothing Routine like Tennis or Sport. She doesnt play Video games, I play them on high level (if Starcraft says anything Im high masters), I watch many streams and Listen to msny podcasts. She has no interest in any of it.

I have no idea what she does when I play Video games but whenever I play an hour and get a coffee I see her sleeping ob the Couch with this garden tv show on lol. I think she has no real hobbies and relies on my day plans

[–] mipadaitu@lemmy.world 13 points 3 months ago

Join an activity together.

Bowling, darts, a gym, blacksmithing, whatever.

Get friends that aren't just the two of you.

If she feels like you are her only social outlet, then you're both going to be miserable. I'm sure you'd benefit from having another social group as well.

Maybe she needs a part time job just to be around people. Maybe a hobby shop like JoAnn or Michaels.

[–] sentientity@lemm.ee 9 points 3 months ago

You're not responsible for all of your partner's feelings and needs, only for supporting them as they work through theirs (she may need therapy). Have you talked to her about how this or asked her what's going on? Is she silently or openly pressuring you to put all the focus on her, or are you just fixated on it in your head? Have you had a real conversation about what each of you need in the house and in the relationship? It is not healthy to feel like you don't have your own life, but it's hard to tell without more info how that pattern started and why. She may have something going on that she needs help with, a conversation might fix it, or this might just be what she's like. If you truly feel better without her, you may not be compatible. But if you want to stay with her, talk to her about how you feel and what you need, and ask her what she needs. Communication is key.

[–] RagnarokOnline@programming.dev 7 points 3 months ago

I can’t comment on the depression thing that others have mentioned. You’ll know if that rings true for your situation or not.

I’m gonna say something to you that someone had to say to me once: she really likes you. That may explain why she enjoys spending time with her.

The other day I was asking my SO “what’s the highest compliment a woman could be paid by their partner”? She responded “it would be ‘I really enjoy spending time with you’”. I realized in that moment that while I have tons of fun playing video games, watching shows, or even just sitting alone by my self, she really enjoys being around me and spending time together. It’s how she’s wired.

And even more than that, because I’m “her man”, even when she’s out and about with other friends, her experience would be enhanced if I were out with her.

This changed me in a couple of ways.

  1. I invite her to kill time with me in the same room even if we’re doing different things (I know you already do this)
  2. I am intentional about holding off on some of my preferred “alone” time to do an activity with her because I know she will really enjoy it.
  3. I intentionally take time for myself to do things that recharge me without her. (Long gaming sessions, watching a tv series, taking a night in while she’s got plans with friends, scheduling a drink/meal with one of my friends).

Beyond the above, I think it’s important to acknowledge that the guilt you experience when you turn her down is coming from inside yourself. It may be worth talking about it with a wise friend or (better yet) a therapist (which is something helpful that I did). You may have a habit of taking too much responsibility for the wellness of others.

Congrats on having a person who really loves you! For introverts like us, being around someone all the time makes those rare moments when we’re alone truly euphoric. However, I can tell you from experience that the “alone time” gets old reeeeeal quick when it’s unlimited.

[–] Grimy@lemmy.world 3 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Help her make friends and find a hobby. You can start by going on couples dates with work acquaintances and what not, eventually maybe your wife will find someone she likes to see without you around.

For hobbies, you know her best. Sounds like she has low confidence so a bit of encouragement will probably go a long way. Signing her up for hobby classes let's her make friends as well.

[–] VishousDeelishous@lemmy.world 1 points 3 months ago

Is there any reason why she doesn't have a job? That is a big social experience. A job could help give purpose, and give opportunity to develop skills.

The suggestion of joining a sports league is a good one my wife and I play volleyball with some of her work friends and their spouses. Gets us together weekly to chat catch up, have a few drinks. It's been wonderful for getting us out of the house.

Hopefully you can find something to help your wife become more independent.