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Relationship Advice

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My partner of 7 years just broke up with me 2 weeks before moving across the country for her (lemmy.world)
submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) by somethingsomethingidk@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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So my partner and I had always had really good communication. Anytime there were fears, doubts, hard life stuff, etc. We always managed to talk through it in a really healthy way. She was my rock.

About 6-8 months ago she says she's unhappy with her job and her grandfather is really sick so she wants to be close to him before he dies. I say ok I fully support you, let's move out there. I dont want to give too much info but the area is 24 hours of driving from where I have spent my life. I have never been anywhere near there.

So she got a 3 month temp job in the new location that she wanted to use as a networking oportunity. But I couldnt go because we could not affort to break our lease. We texted every day, called on the weekends when she had cell phone service.

I got a promotion with a sweet little relocation package to the new area. So know I knew how much we could spend on housing even if she wasnt working. This is in hindsight where the first red flag was raised. She was completely non commital on any places I showed her.

The plan was for her to come back on the 19th of August and then we'd move together. She hadnt bought a plane ticket. I already have a start date and I have to be in person for my job. She suggested that I just go, then her dad will come and they'll drive out together. Ok whatever. If that's how she wants to do it, then we'll do it. Surely nothing can go wrong here because our relationship was so solid.

I forgot to mention that we talked about staying in a relative's basement as a back up plan. So I ask, "have you talked to them about me staying there? Things are getting down to the wire".

She suggests I reach out to my new manager and ask if there's anybody at work I can stay with... This was the "wtf, is my life about to collapse" moment, or is she just in lala land?

Anyway skipping a head a bit she ends that convo with something along the lines of "we need to talk"

So she calls me and says "Sooo, and maybe you've know this for some time, but I like girls." (I did not know this at all btw. I've never seen her even look at another girl that way). I say "ok, and are we moving together?" She says no, she wants to stay here to "figure things out"

I told her "had you told me this a year ago or even a month ago I would have been your biggest supporter. But you waited until the point where its extremely desctructive to what we have together and to my life in general"

She just said she was sorry over and over. I dont really remember much more.

I'm not even sure if I'm asking for advice here. But moreso wondering if anybody has heard of such a thing before.

I didn't think a relationship with such good communication could ever just be gone so fast with no warning. And we're in our 30s, we're not kids. I can't beleive that she would put me in this situation and now have to move to a place I dont know, with any support I have thousands of miles away. I'm just dumbfounded

Edit: Thank you all so much for your responses. I appreciate all of your perspectives and the effort put into your reponses. It's incredibly helpful to know that I am not alone in this experience. I love you all.

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[–] faltryka@lemmy.world 95 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Run. Be thankful you’re dodging this kind of relationship before you were further committed, because it can get SOOOO much worse.

[–] somethingsomethingidk@lemmy.world 40 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Yeah my mom said the same thing

[–] teamevil@lemmy.world 10 points 3 months ago

Trust your family...they help you understand the red flags you missed assuming you have a good relationship with them

[–] itsnicodegallo@lemm.ee 4 points 3 months ago

I didn't even need to read the whole post to know you dodged a bullet. I believe that's why people say "miss me with that".

[–] ChonkyOwlbear@lemmy.world 61 points 3 months ago (1 children)

You probably don't want to hear this, but her all of a sudden coming out about liking girls means that there's already another girl in the picture.

[–] morphballganon@lemmy.world 57 points 3 months ago (1 children)

She found someone.

The fact that she chose to cut you out instead of even considering ethical non-monogamy is a huge red flag.

[–] somethingsomethingidk@lemmy.world 22 points 3 months ago (1 children)

My mom also said this lol

[–] borf@lemmynsfw.com 36 points 3 months ago

Your mom is smart and you should listen to her

[–] Mellow12@lemmy.world 40 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (2 children)

7 years together. 30’s. Grown ass adult who hasn’t figured herself out yet. Selfish behavior. Probably more selfishness on the way.

Perspective one: you got robbed of 7 years because you hitched your wagon to the wrong star. Our most precious thing we have is our time on this earth.

Perspective two: you dodged a bullet. This could have happened farther down the road and been way more damaging. What if you had kids? What if you were in your 60’s?

Perspective Three: maybe it was good while it lasted. Maybe you continue to be friends.

It’s gonna hurt for a long while. Spending that long relying on, caring for, and sharing your life with someone is gonna make a serious wound that’s very slow to heal. It may never heal completely.

My advice is to extricate yourself as fast as possible and pretend they are dead. Seriously. Grieve. Rip the bandaid off. Send her belongings to her. Remove names from any leases, utilities, or other shared accounts. Leave no reason for future contact. Is this someone you want to be friends with (and their new partner)? If not then cut all ties and change your number and socials. Refuse further contact. Make it nearly impossible to get in touch with you. Guess what? That 7 years can be a black hole for her as well. You really don’t want to be contacted later by this person when they feel like they need validation, approval, or forgiveness, or at your weakest point try and get you back. Mourn the loss of the idealized person you thought she was and do your best to move on in as healthy a way as you can muster. Figure out which mutual friends are yours and hers and cut the chaff as amicably as you can. Most importantly rebuild. Do not stagnate. What just happened to you is not a slight offense. It’s a killing blow to some people. Your foundation was just shaken. Don’t let it be your downfall. You can forgive on your own timeline and it won’t require letting her know. After what they took from you you owe them no more than the basic courtesy of an civil split, but nothing beyond that point. Cut all ties. Do not contact. Most importantly don’t let it ruin your trust in your next relationship.

[–] zcd@lemmy.ca 16 points 3 months ago (2 children)

+1 do the full scorched earth procedure, followed by a life well lived

[–] Mellow12@lemmy.world 10 points 3 months ago

Something similar happened to me 24 years ago after college. I’m old by Lemmy user standards and I’ve been drinking tonight. Maybe don’t listen to me, but I’ve been married for almost 20 years now so maybe there is hope.

[–] MindTraveller@lemmy.ca 4 points 3 months ago

Good idea, going to Blips And Chitz is a great self care exercise. Play some Roy, have some pizza, forget about her.

[–] somethingsomethingidk@lemmy.world 13 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It's interesting that you say the bit about being selfish and idealization. It's been really hard to imagine this as selfishness. But that is because in my conception of this person is so much selflessness. She never gave me a reason to think otherwise. But clearly this is an idealization.

Your 3rd perspective would be my preference, had we talked like adults and she didnt just go scorched earth on the relationship. I need to ackowledge that selfishness and the fact that it has nothing to do with me.

It does feel like she died. And I actually just heard about this phenomenon where people who are unable to attend the funerals of loved ones have a hard time believing that they're gone. Looking at the corpse gives you closure. So I think I may talk with her just to get that closure, but I need to aknowledge that I'm looking at the corpse of what we had. Thanks

[–] Mellow12@lemmy.world 7 points 3 months ago (1 children)

You’re talking to internet strangers. And as an internet stranger I’m projecting my experiences on your situation. You’re an adult so you can make your own choices. In my experience it was a bad idea to leave any connection to that past relationship. It turned out poorly for me. It could be different for you. You know your limits and capabilities. When I read your story it immediately struck a chord so I chimed up. Take it or leave it. If you can get past it, be friends, and still lead a healthy life that’s what really matters. That’s not something most people can do.

[–] somethingsomethingidk@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago

My opinion is that stragners actually give some of the best advice. Especially here on lemmy is a different breed.

That being said I wasn't clear. Say she had come to me in a mature way, maybe a month ago at the latest. And she articulated her feelings, fears, desires, etc. I could have found a place of understanding for her.

Now I need to see the corpse. The corpse is dead. It's not coming back, if it did it would be an abomination lol

[–] stoly@lemmy.world 37 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Being gay is confusing but that’s not what happened here. She either was unable psychologically to confront reality (red flag) and let you ruin your life, or she simply didn’t care (flag’s on fire). You’re better off moving on, this person is probably not worth more of your time.

I’m sure it will be tricky to set up again but it sounds like you have a better job now. You can turn this into an adventure and a new life if you frame it right.

P.s. I went through similar some years ago. Moved somewhere and the other person ghosted me.

[–] somethingsomethingidk@lemmy.world 10 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Thanks for saying that. I've had tons of gay friends, I worked somewhere where I was in the minority being a cis staright male, and even my dearest highschool crush came out to me first. This feels off, and I think you articulated it well.

It's wild that people do this. I'm sorry it happened to you but it's good to know I'm not alone in the experience

[–] stoly@lemmy.world 8 points 3 months ago

I didn’t mention my own gayness lol. So, yeah, no excuse.

[–] cabron_offsets@lemmy.world 23 points 3 months ago

Sorry, bruh. She’s just an asshole, is all. Simple. The good news here is that you’re free, you’re unencumbered. You can decide what’s right for you and pursue that, without worrying about someone else. And you’re still relatively young. You can find someone else after taking some time to recover from this bullshit.

I’d cut her off completely. She’s toxic.

[–] ShaggySnacks@lemmy.myserv.one 15 points 3 months ago

This is not a fun situation to be in. I know the whole feeling, it's like your entire life has exploded into a million different pieces.

When it something like this happened to me, I went through all the stages of grieving. I was jumping all around the stages, one minute everything is fine, the next minute its "This is going to get real dark" to "This is going to get real dark and I am ready to start fighting with my ex." What I had the most trouble was getting through all the anger. It too about eight months to able to put the anger to bed. To this day, I can still rouse that anger with some effort.

Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel about it. They weren't the ones that spent seven years with someone building a life, having plans, and everything. All that matters is that you heal in a healthy manner.

I had to reinvent myself and embrace a new lifestyle and goals, without my ex. It took time and work to get to that point.

It sounds like she did it the worst possible way. What is important is not to learn to hate her. That hate will leave a part of you a bitter person. This will allow you to move on and embrace life in a positive manner.

As everyone has already suggested, go no contact with them. Having them in your life is never a good idea when you are trying to heal. You only asking for more problems, if they are in your life.

[–] Quill7513 13 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Grieve so you can move on. I feel for you. I went through something similar. I'm still healing and grieving. It's not easy and I won't tell you it's going to get better because you've heard that and I'm assuming you have the emotional maturity to already know that you will meet new people. Just whatever you do don't deny the hole in yourself you feel right now. It's real, and you're right to feel the way you feel. The best thing I found to do was to dive into something I was passionate about. For me, it was motorcycling and music. For you, it will probably be something else. And don't pressure yourself. Just make your life about you for a little bit. Embrace people still around. Play games with people. Pet some dogs. Run barefoot through a field.

[–] somethingsomethingidk@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago

Shit yeah that's what I'm going to do. I've been getting into rock climbing for the last year. Where I live now its 8-10 hours to get to rocks. In the new place it's about 12 minutes. There's so much to do, I just always thought we would be doing it together.

I acknowledge the hole, I will try to fill it with rocks and positivity. In time.

It's good to know that I'm not the only one going through a similar situation, so thank you

[–] hatnale@infosec.pub 8 points 3 months ago (2 children)

First and foremost I want to say that I’m sorry your life has been upended in this way. My heart goes out to you. I imagine you’re in a bit of a state of shock, which is partially what led to you posting. While I have had a friend who went through something similar, I don’t think I have anything I could tell you about that situation that would really help you with yours. All I’ll say is that they were, with lots of time, able to get to a place where they feel like things were “normal” again for them. You are not alone. Perhaps there are online spaces with others that have gone through what you are now.

I know you said you weren’t sure if you were asking for advice, but I’d like to offer my 2 cents, if that’s okay. I think it would be prudent for you to talk to someone you can trust or with a professional. Someone with whom you can bare your soul and voice your feelings with. I also think it would be helpful for you and your SO to seek couples therapy together. I’m sure you both have a lot to say to each other and, from experience, having a safe place with a professional present makes for better ability to get everything out there and addressed. I’m sorry to say that this is just the beginning of a long journey.

I really wish I had more to give you than generic advice. I cannot imagine how you’re feeling after such a breakneck change. I wish you the best moving forward and I sincerely hope you can feel whole again soon.

[–] somethingsomethingidk@lemmy.world 5 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I appreciate your response. It's nice to hear about a similar experience that resulted in normalcy. I do have an aquaintance that is a professional counselor, and they have been kind enough to let me vent and give me some really great advice and encouragement. I will be seeking professional help once I get settled too.

The couples therapy is an interesting prospect. Even though we aren't a couple anymore I do think it would bring closure. Even if she wasn't willing to do it, that would bring some closure in itself because it means she simply didn't value our relationship as much as she claims.

[–] hatnale@infosec.pub 3 points 3 months ago

I’m really happy to hear you have someone to talk to. Venting to internet strangers can for sure help, but can’t compare to real life friends who care about you and understand your situation much better. And that’s such a great way to think about the couples therapy proposal; that’s a perspective I didn’t even consider when writing my comment. No matter how you decide to move forward with all of this, I hope your heart heals well. Stay strong!

[–] growsomethinggood@reddthat.com 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It sounds like they've broken up, so unfortunately couples therapy isn't likely to be on the table, you can't realistically ask that of an ex.

[–] hatnale@infosec.pub 5 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Of course you can realistically ask that of an ex, especially after 7 years together and with how things ended. However, you can’t realistically expect them to agree.

I find it dubious, though, that she just straight up lost all care for him, despite how she handled this. For all we know, she has a lot to say to him as well. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in seeking closure.

[–] peregrinetech@lemmy.world 5 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

This is a really chaotic situation and your feelings are completely normal. But everything will sort itself out at some point. It's painful right now, but you need to know that you haven't done anything wrong. People can be lost and unsure of their feelings, but the way she did it's really bad. It speaks volumes and it seems like she doesn't care, so you should be glad you dodged a bullet.

[–] Aralakh@lemmy.ca 4 points 3 months ago

Holy crap, I'm sorry to hear that's happened :(. I feel for you. I'm in agreement with most other commenters, RUN, sounds like you dodged a bullet despite the sucky turn of events.