The Onion

Also this:

“Listen Jack, the educators in the country are some of the most hard-working people I’ve ever met. They will make a great addition to the fight against terrorism. It’s because most of them have nothing to live for anyway because they can’t retire, they are in terrifying debt, and [the students] parents get to tell them what they can teach,” said Biden.

and this:

At press time, the teachers were holding a bake sale to raise funds for their airfare.