this post was submitted on 22 Apr 2024
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This is the truth. Focus on yourself for now. Learn things, get good at stuff, advance your career, understand different perspectives, cook and eat healthy food that tastes good. Be somebody you really want to spend time with. A significant chunk of this is just you being confident and comfortable in who you are. Then people (including women) will be interested in spending time with you.
It helps to not be broke or ugly, but dressing well and washing yourself and smelling pleasant can get you pretty far.
Controversial opinion: very few people are ugly if they take care of themselves.
Actual controversial opinion: I wish people would stop saying bullshit like this. And it is utter and complete bullshit.
There are MANY ugly people and for them taking care of themselves helps of course but, ain't going to change them facts. They're ugly...
It’s not bullshit, average is average for a reason. Most people are average or slightly below average and if they just take care of themselves they will look a ton better. Attractiveness is on a bell curve not a straight line.
Okay, maybe this is true.
It's also possible you're talking to someone in the long tail of that bell curve who is already taking care of themselves. You are making a lot of assumptions and your attempt to push responsibility onto him when he may in fact be in the lowest percent of that bell curve, and if he is, your well-intentioned controversial opinion is like throwing salt in his wounds.
People always just assume they can do this with this problem. If someone has mental health issues, they tell them to seek help. If someone has physical issues, they tell them to see a doctor. If they have relationship issues, "Oh, it's all your fault, man. Work on yourself." even in the absence of ANY evidence.
I know it's uncomfortable to think about the people in that bottom 1% of the bell curve who are completely helpless and overwhelmed, but victim blaming isn't a good way to deal with it.
I sympathize and also I disagree that there's only one curve. Everyone is different about what they like. One person uggo will be someone else's hotty.
Now, if you're not conventionally attractive that is definitely harder because everyone's opinions are skewed.
I also understand that you may feel like just giving up on finding a match. If that's the case, that's you're right. When you really do give up, please stop posting about how it's impossible to find someone. You're being discouraging to others who are still trying. And the only other option is State mandated partners. Trust me no one wants that not even you.
All I'm saying is, when people post these kinds of things, they're likely not looking for platitudes or advice. If they wanted that, the title of the post would've been "someone help me". It's okay to let people vent about a situation that sucks for them without telling them all of the things you think they should be doing differently.
This is just venting? https://lemmy.world/comment/9580103
Then I'm not sure I can tell the difference between venting and someone giving an opinion that they are willing to defend. I'm also not sure how anyone could tell the difference.
I suppose that's a fair point. I can't make the claim I know that.
Are people really that different in what they like? At least the American movies are portraying the exact same kind of attractiveness, to the point that it gets super boring to watch.
Yes, if you want an example, look at fetishes. Also if you look through history, you'll find that what people considered attractive varied massively.
But also to your point, the media that we all consume says that this is the kind of person that looks attractive. And so if you ask most people what is attractive, they will tell you the standard Hollywood type.
But I think most people, if they see someone that gives them that happy brain tingle, would go for it even if who they're looking at isn't conventionally attractive.
Don't get me wrong, if you're not conventionally attractive, it does make things harder, but not impossible.
If you need a modern example, I'm a fat computer nerd, and my wife found me on the internet.
Yeah I agree. There is a lot more to a real life meeting than how people look. That's why it's really important to meet people in real life and not on video.
Lol :)
I did all those things. Where fight?
You do understand that everything you said and the sentence "be comfortable with who you are" are a contradiction, right? Fulfilling all the other stuff you mentioned will take massive amounts of energy of you're not the type who does them naturally, trapping you in a cycle of "still not good enough". Vigorous self-improvement is quickly becoming the "high performer" equivalent to bulimia: a form of utter self-hatred expressed as pseudo-beneficial behavior that actually does way more harm than good.
Truth is: love is chance. You might be able to increase the odds somewhat, but in the end, none of us can really control if we.end up meeting someone we will be able to spend our lives with. Trying to constantly be different tha you'd be naturally (trying to be the career guy with hobbies sports and eating healthy, while deep down you are a lazy ass couch potato) will increase your chances of meeting someone, bit I'd argue it will not increase your chances of being happy with someone. Or being happy with yourself for that matter.
This is true. I went through a long period of this exact pattern in my early 20s and while some positives came out of it, it also made me never feel good enough and like I always had to change things to be better. Nothing was ever enough and it was depressing and exhausting.
I only realized how toxic the pattern had become when I started going to therapy. The therapist pointed out that all of my appreciation towards myself was conditional. I only felt good if condition x/y/z was met, and there were always new conditions to make me feel not good enough anymore. He encouraged me not to remove all conditional appreciation, but to try and find an equal degree of unconditional appreciation and love towards myself that wasn't based on others. Not easy to do, but it made a real impression on me and it changed my outlook, even if I don't always succeed.