I have a Giant Sulcata Tortoise. She's almost 100lbs.
Super easy to care for. She mows the lawn to eat but St Augustine grass doesn't have all the nutrition she needs so we supplement her diet every two days with some fresh lettuce, fruit, and tortoise pellets.
Right now our yard is full of pumpkins donated by our neighbors that she enjoys very much (her poops turned a bit orange, haha). Watching her eat them is a surprisingly satisfying and relaxing experience.
Her home is an old lawnmower shed that my father-in-law had lying around and she goes into it every night (we cut a tortoise-shaped hole in the front and put some "baggage flaps" over it to keep the heat in). Interestingly, we didn't need to "train" her to go in there she just figured it out on day 1 and settled in the very first night.
She comes when she's called and loves to come see us when we're out in the yard (hoping for treats!). We often get the leftover produce from Publix that's going to be thrown away and feed her that. She doesn't care that the lettuce has gone all wilty or about damaged fruit so it's better than sending it into the trash 👍
Wow, that sucks. There's hot single women in my area.
Just need this one trick--that doctors hate--to hook up with them. They won't tell you about it though.