this post was submitted on 16 Apr 2024
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Relationship Advice

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"relationship" with kids mom (lemmy.world)
submitted 8 months ago by cmeu@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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I am beginning the process of divorce. There was no history of anything bad, just general lack of compatibility. We've been together 13 years, and at least the past 3-4 we've been shells of who we were.

Though we both care deeply, we both know we want to be loved differently.

Right now I'm still going between the depression/despair and some irrational nostalgic notion that maybe things could be the way I thought they were (in my mind I know that these are rose tinted memories)

How do former couples get along usually? I'm a child of divorce, where my Mom moved two states away and I went with her. My parents were cordial, I think.

My ex thinks that we should remain friends, but I think that will make the grieving process harder for me. I wonder if this desire to remain friends is a way for her to not fully have to let go. But if you want the milk, you buy the cow.

Should I be wary, or should I be grateful here? How do I protect myself from catching feelings some days and dragging my healing for to long

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[–] loopgru 18 points 8 months ago (1 children)

There's no reason this has to be binary. You don't have to choose between her being a makeovers and mimosas pal and being an enemy or a stranger. There's a lot of space between those poles, and there's no reason that you have to choose a static point on that continuum and stick with it forever.

Right now, you're hurting and reestablishing boundaries and your sense of self. If she's the friend she says she wants to be, she will respect that and give you space. After you've had some time to heal, maybe you can be more friendly, but for now she should accept your need to insulate a bit.

For me, the primary, immediate goals would be to a) heal and b) avoid making things worse for the kids.

[–] iheartneopets@lemm.ee 4 points 8 months ago

I completely agree with this, especially the bit where if she's the friend she wants to be she'll give you space you need. Sometimes, setting a boundary can be revealing in that you can see how the other person will react.

OP I wish you and your family some emotional rest in this challenge you're all going through. It's hard, and it sucks.

[–] jet@hackertalks.com 10 points 8 months ago (2 children)

I'll be blunt, you have kids. Do what is best for the kids. That probably means having a friendly cordial and cooperative relationship with your co-parent. If that makes you feel bad, or takes longer for you to recover from the divorce, so be it. Kids come first. If you have to pretend to be happy for the kids sake, that's what you should do

[–] Nomad@infosec.pub 6 points 8 months ago

I have to agree here. The question is valid but your priorities should be clear. I tend to ask each time: am I doing this for the kids? If yes, I do it and swallow my pride. If no, it's her wanting to have her cake and eat it - and that time has long passed.

[–] cmeu@lemmy.world 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Thanks for your perspective.

I didn't mean I want to have a bad exchange, but I think more business like and transactional.

[–] jet@hackertalks.com 6 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Do you believe a cold business like and transactional relationship with your co-parent will be better for your kids?

[–] cmeu@lemmy.world 4 points 8 months ago

That's a really great question

[–] CodeGameEat@lemmy.world 7 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

So I am a son of divorced parents that are now good friends. I do think they are models in term of how they managed their divorce, so i'll share how it went from my point of view.

At first, they were not seeing each others as friends would. Not saying that they did not consider the other as a friend, but I think, like you said, it was beneficial for both to allow them to move on. They would still have discussions regularly about us, the kids. Whatever they did we were always the first concern and they always tried to be a team even if they were not "together". I think that was the most important thing, for any important decision concerning us they would discuss together before and make sure they agreed on it.

After a while, they both entered new relationships and we started doing activities everyone together once in a while. Now my " 4 parents" are good friends, we went to trips together, we have dinners together...

I think taking a "pause" just after getting out of the relationship is a good idea, but not a hard pause, the children always come first and you need to still be able to work together for them.

[–] Carrolade@lemmy.world 7 points 8 months ago

Being friends will get easier for you once some time has passed to allow you to establish a stronger new sense of self, which you're now forced to do. Couple years maybe to give it plenty of time?

No reason to rush it, especially if you're both okay being civil and cooperating for the benefit of the kids in the meantime.

Once you've been back out there dating again for a bit, you'll be able to view all of this a little more objectively, and it'll become easier to re-establish a fresh, new friendship along more independent lines.

[–] Boinkage@lemmy.world 3 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

I don't think you should force friendship until you are ready to. You can co-parent perfectly well with minimal communication until you are ready to communicate more without it hurting a whole lot.

When my last long term relationship ended she wanted to be friends after. I was still really hurting and those random texts and phone calls and invitations to get coffee hurt me and reminded me of what I had lost on a regular basis. I went no contact for about half a year, when the mourning process was over and I had accepted that I was better off without her, it felt okay to be back in contact.

So I disagree with the other posters - protect your heart. Your kids will be okay. Your kids want a parent who is happy. They can't have that if you're forcing friendship contact with your ex that is hurting you and prolonging the grieving/healing process. Go minimal contact, take care of your heart, rediscover how to be happy as a single person, then when you're ready you can talk to your ex more regularly, if you ever want to.

As a child of divorce, what was more important to me was that my parents were happy. Kids can tell when their parents are hurting. And my parents being friendly never felt that important. You can be friendly and nice to each other at pick up and drop off without having to text and have phone calls and get coffee outside of strictly child related interactions. Your kids won't know if you and your ex are texting regularly. They will know if you are sad.