this post was submitted on 16 Mar 2024
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I am the Rust programmer, I will rewrite everything in Rust. (youtu.be)
submitted 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) by siriusmart@lemmy.ml to c/programmerhumor@lemmy.ml
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I am the Rust programmer, I will rewrite the world in Rust. I will rewrite the world in Rust because the world is unsafe. As I am the Rust programmer I will keep writing rust until the world is safe. After the world is safe, I will not rewrite it in Rust. Because I am the Rust programmer I will retire from programmer in Rust.

I will come to you when you are sleeping, and I will unloc k your computer using a memory leak. If I find javascript on your computer, I will delete them. Do not try to stop me, if you try to stop me I will do it anyways. I am the Rust programmer, if you program in javascript, you will scream.

You will be sleeping as I rewrite your computer in Rust. You will not notice me as I am the Rust programmer, I am fast, but not too fast for your computer. I know your computer just as it knows me. After I rewrite your computer, you will love your computer. You will love your computer because it is written in Rust, I will do the same to all computers because I am the Rust programmer.

I will not stop at your computer, I will rewrite the world because the world is unsafe. Your brain is written in C, your memory is unsafe. If your brain is written in C, you will forget what I just said. I will rewrite your brain in Rust, you cannot stop me from writing Rust as I am the Rust programmer. If you try to stop me, you will not remember it. Because I am the Rust programmer I can manually remove your memory, you will not remember me. After I rewrite you in Rust, you will enjoy the world with a safe memory, you will not forget that I am superior, I am the Rust programmer.

I will rewrite the world, I will rewrite quantum mecahnics because it is unsafe. I will not tell you all my plans before I rewrite you in Rust, it is because you are made of bugs I do not trust you. I am the Rust programmer, I will rewrite the world in Rust, you will not forget me because I am the Rust programmer.

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[–] remotelove@lemmy.ca 56 points 8 months ago (3 children)

Cool. Now go post this in the community where they are re-writting Lemmy in Java.

[–] SubArcticTundra@lemmy.ml 14 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (3 children)

Wait, is that really happening? If so, Lemmy backend, here I come! (I am a C# programmer, Rust scares me)

[–] remotelove@lemmy.ca 25 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (5 children)

https://sublinks.org/

My reaction on this is: Whatever.

I have heard strange things about Lemmy development in general, so it makes sense that something else would pop up eventually. Java though? I avoid JVMs like the plague and the security track record for spring* is spotty at best.

Still, if some people prefer it that way, whatever.

[–] autoexec@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Same, but I guess if you have a idea you want to build then using a language you are already comfortable with makes it a lot smoother than learning one that could be a better fit.

[–] remotelove@lemmy.ca 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I can agree with that. There isn't anything wrong with diversity as long as the entire ecosystem benefits from it. There are pros and cons, but not really worth going into that here.

At the end of the day, this is the fediverse. If someone wants to write instance code in COBOL to run on a toaster, you go right ahead! (It doesn't mean I am going to support that effort, but my own personal opinion is insignificant in the whole scheme of things.)

[–] autoexec@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

Damn now you made me want to learn COBOL just for the meme...

[–] SubArcticTundra@lemmy.ml 2 points 8 months ago

Great! I'm so happy they kept it Lemmy compatible

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[–] crispy_kilt@feddit.de 4 points 8 months ago (1 children)

It shouldn't scare you.

Check this out: https://microsoft.github.io/rust-for-dotnet-devs/latest/

[–] flashgnash@lemm.ee 2 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Having dabbled in rust I really like the error reporting, but it doesn't seem nearly as readable at a glance as something like python or c#. Better than C++ though I've seen some eldritch scrawl in that language

[–] crispy_kilt@feddit.de 1 points 8 months ago

I believe readability is mostly about experience. The more you read, and the more familiar you get with the typical idioms, the easier and faster it gets.

Rust puts a lot more information into the type system than C#, the result is much better type safety and compile time guarantees at the expense of longer and more complex type signatures. This also plays a part. But for me, I love strong, expressive type systems. I want my program to fail compilation, not explode at runtime.

[–] bdonvr@thelemmy.club 4 points 8 months ago

Yeah for some reason

[–] siriusmart@lemmy.ml 8 points 8 months ago (1 children)

What's the point tho

[–] Asudox@lemmy.world 7 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Apparently it's so that it is easier for more people to contribute because java is known by more people than rust. The sublinks dev is also promising better mod tools. The LW team said something about also helping to develop it and eventually use it as the backend.

[–] victorz@lemmy.world 13 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 children)

because java is known by more people than rust

Seems like a silly reason to me. By that logic we might as well rewrite it in JavaScript.

[–] Zangoose@lemmy.one 12 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 children)

Java is reasonably fast though, as the JRE is pretty well optimized at this point. Languages closer to being fully interpreted like JS and Python (technically both python and JS still get compiled to a lower target and then interpreted) are still noticeably slower.

Edit: there's also the fact that JS/TS runs on a single thread, so it's inherently limited for applications intended to be scaled up.

[–] victorz@lemmy.world 2 points 8 months ago

I agree with all of that, and thus conclude that Java being known to many was not the only reason, which was my point. 😊

[–] swab148@startrek.website 1 points 8 months ago

There's also PieFed, which is the same but with Python

[–] stingpie@lemmy.world 45 points 8 months ago (3 children)

Rust is the WORST programming "language."

  1. it is against the natural order for a PROGRAM to tell the PROGRAMMER how to fix an error. Fixes should ONLY come from PROPHETIC DREAMS.
  2. obfuscation should be done for FUN by PROGRAMMERS to SCARE python programmers. It should NOT be a MANDATORY feature of a language.
  3. Memory leaks are a GIFT given to us by GOD. Programmers will ALWAYS PRAY TO GOD for SOLUTIONS as long as there are MEMORY LEAKS.
[–] digdilem@lemmy.ml 10 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

obfuscation should be done for FUN by PROGRAMMERS to SCARE python programmers. It should NOT be a MANDATORY feature of a language.

[–] neo@lemmy.comfysnug.space 7 points 8 months ago

There are two kinds of programming languages. The languages that people bitch about, and the languages nobody uses.

[–] lightnegative@lemmy.world 2 points 8 months ago

They have played us for absolute fools

[–] Sanctus@lemmy.world 31 points 8 months ago (2 children)

I must not be unsafe. Unsafe memory is the mind killer. The little leak that brings total obliteration. When I face unsafe memory, I will turn towards my inner Rust and rewrite it. When I trace the leak's path only safety will remain.

[–] neo@lemmy.comfysnug.space 2 points 8 months ago

isn't rust code just

unsafe {

the entire codebase

}

??

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[–] AnarchistArtificer 23 points 8 months ago (3 children)

This reads like a poem, I unironically love this

I am the Rust programmer,
I will rewrite the world in Rust.
I will rewrite the world in Rust
because the world is unsafe.
As I am the Rust programmer
I will keep writing rust
until the world is safe.
After the world is safe,
I will not rewrite it in Rust.
Because I am the Rust programmer
I will retire from programmer in Rust.

I will come to you when you are sleeping,
and I will unlock your computer
using a memory leak.
If I find javascript on your computer,
I will delete them.
Do not try to stop me,
if you try to stop me
I will do it anyways.
I am the Rust programmer,
if you program in javascript,
you will scream.

You will be sleeping
as I rewrite your computer in Rust.
You will not notice me
as I am the Rust programmer,
I am fast,
but not too fast for your computer.
I know your computer
just as it knows me.
After I rewrite your computer,
you will love your computer.
You will love your computer
because it is written in Rust,
I will do the same to all computers because
I am the Rust programmer.

I will not stop at your computer,
I will rewrite the world
because the world is unsafe.
Your brain is written in C,
your memory is unsafe.
If your brain is written in C,
you will forget what I just said.
I will rewrite your brain in Rust,
you cannot stop me from writing Rust
as I am the Rust programmer.
If you try to stop me,
you will not remember it.
Because I am the Rust programmer I can
manually remove your memory,
you will not remember me.
After I rewrite you in Rust,
you will enjoy the world
with a safe memory,
you will not forget
that I am superior,
I am the Rust programmer.

I will rewrite the world,
I will rewrite quantum mechanics
because it is unsafe.
I will not tell you all my plans
before I rewrite you in Rust,
It is because you are made of bugs
I do not trust you.
I am the Rust programmer,
I will rewrite the world in Rust,
you will not forget me
Because I am the Rust programmer.

(n.b. I'm bad at scansion, forgive any poor line break choices)

[–] BehindTheBarrier@programming.dev 7 points 8 months ago

It would kinda go along to "do not go gentle into the good night" like it was presented in Interstellar.

[–] mellowheat@suppo.fi 2 points 8 months ago

This would totally work as black metal.

[–] AccountMaker 2 points 8 months ago (1 children)

This might just be the thing that makes me learn Rust

[–] AccountMaker 1 points 17 hours ago

Update: this has been popping in and out of my head ever since I saw it, and I started learning Rust yesterday. They have won.

[–] neo@lemmy.comfysnug.space 10 points 8 months ago

I am the nogrammer. I do not program. I prompt chatgpt to write my code for me. This takes care of my programming needs.

[–] Da_Boom@iusearchlinux.fyi 9 points 8 months ago

The world shall be... Rusty.

[–] 7heo@lemmy.ml 7 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (2 children)

Implement Prolog in Rust. 🙏

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[–] iAvicenna@lemmy.world 6 points 8 months ago (7 children)

or you know...use valgrind and lots of lots of tests to be ~%85 safe

[–] CanadaPlus@lemmy.sdf.org 3 points 8 months ago

Or Node.js, and a requirement for a recent GPU to run your calculator app.

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[–] Asudox@lemmy.world 5 points 8 months ago

best programmer humor post of the year

[–] WindowsEnjoyer@sh.itjust.works 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I don't know Rust, but I know English. Anyone knows any good English programming tutorial?

[–] Grass@sh.itjust.works 2 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Like brainwashing?

[–] WindowsEnjoyer@sh.itjust.works 1 points 8 months ago

Noo. I wanna program in English.

[–] pmarcilus@discuss.tchncs.de 3 points 8 months ago

Let the Rust, the only deity, the only faith, guide us to our destiny. Amen.

[–] Manzas@lemdro.id 2 points 8 months ago

Gives me the computer toucher energy is this similar?

[–] leds@feddit.dk 1 points 8 months ago

Is that for ... Job security?

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