I do not expect understanding or that you even accept this apology. Because its not going to sound like one. But if I may, id like to put this in words in the hopes there's someone out there that has gone through something similar and can shed some light on how to go forward from here. Important: my first language is NOT english.
Some background first: I came here for the very first time in July 2016. The swedish crown was stronger than the euro but i had found a cheap bus ticket for the following day. And so off i went. I expected absolutely nothing from this trip but I admit I fell in love with this country so hard. The food, the people and the language in particular I found beautiful. I was smitten. When i flew back to my country everything seemed gray and frumpy in comparison. Had to handle archaic coins and bills. Paper. It was like going back in time. It took only 6 months for me to permanently move to sweden.
During those 6 months i tried to learn the language as much as I could. I applied to university programs and was set to start the following year. I kept flying back and forth with my friends to get another hit of that high. The coffee. The fashion. The mood.
On my first day after moving here i applied to courses at uni. I got to skip SFI and went straight to komvux. A month in and I had met a beautiful, kind and funny swedish man. I didnt really want anything serious at all but somehow we are still together today. So I did komvux for swedish + socialised in swedish because of my sambo (but with him i still speak in english) + worked part time in english + studied full time in english (datateknik) until I graduated 2020. This meant i was doing 60% of life in english and 40% in swedish. Obviously no complaints. I wasn't feeling the pain yet.
Then I got a full time job doing what I love but the office language is swedish so everything, documentation, 3hr long meetings, user stories, etc. everything is in english (except the code. We have to translate everything). Anyhow...come to realise my swedish will never be as good as fluent. I am totally fine when it comes to technical meetings but lunch breaks, fika, AWs, summer parties, conferences. Everything is in swedish. And im sitting here feeling pretty dumb. Did I expect to come here and not speak swedish? I moved here BECAUSE of it! And so here is my confession: I liked swedish more when i didnt understand it. I find the conversations that are had in swedish so booooring. Also there's some sounds and intonations that really make my skin crawl. I feel a patronizing, superiority melody to everything. If not then I sense a layer of fakeness in every word. (Please do notice i am talking about my own perspective) I get one isnt 100% themselves at work but I find it really hard to break through the façade with the level of swedish I have.
At first I thought, ok girl cmon, you just gotta get really fluent and remove any trace of an accent so the otherness doesn't make people uncomfortable. Don't make them work for it! And the more I tried the more I resented it. I've been feeling like this for 2 years now. I am immersed in the swedish culture also outside of work because of my sambo. Midsummers, christmas, easter, birthdays, funerals. I am the only non-swedish person in all of these and I always insist in speaking swedish so as to not ruin the atmosphere. Especially if theres older people present i will try my very best to not even talk to my sambo in english (there was once a little incident with his farmor. She was sick of us speaking in english to each other so much so she cried).
So this is my life. Me pretending I know swedish well enough to get by. Keeping mostly quiet because sometimes im too exhausted. No faith I'll ever be fully proficient and the more I try the less I want it. I understand almost everything and i live in skåne so that is saying something. I feel extremely guilty but i am now looking for jobs that are not only international or have english as the office language. I am specifically looking for developer teams where at least half the team does not have swedish as their first language. And I feel awful and extreme guilt about this. Sometimes I daydream of just getting a one way ticket to any english speaking country, ireland, australia, new zealand, canada, England even. But then I look at what I'd be giving up here and it seems really really dumb! So i bury these feelings again and again. I think I'm fine but then any interaction in swedish brings me back to this point. The 3hr long meeting of swedishness and then the same lax and the same potatoes every friggin midsummer's. And we sing the songs. And we do these rituals but I have 0 meaningful conversations with anyone. Just a life of performance. I don't know how long i can do this for. Dark thoughts pop up every now and again. I mean, if I cant be happy here then where? Where do I go? Its not gonna be better anywhere else.
In any case im so sorry. I don't think its this country or its people. Its just that i dont think I have what it takes to be a part of this world. I welcome any advice from anyone that has had a similar experience. I am not ready to give up yet.
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The original was posted on /r/sweden by /u/forgetitok at 2023-07-07 11:13:00+00:00.