I do not expect understanding or that you even accept this apology. Because its not going to sound like one. But if I may, id like to put this in words in the hopes there's someone out there that has gone through something similar and can shed some light on how to go forward from here. Important: my first language is NOT english.
Some background first: I came here for the very first time in July 2016. The swedish crown was stronger than the euro but i had found a cheap bus ticket for the following day. And so off i went. I expected absolutely nothing from this trip but I admit I fell in love with this country so hard. The food, the people and the language in particular I found beautiful. I was smitten. When i flew back to my country everything seemed gray and frumpy in comparison. Had to handle archaic coins and bills. Paper. It was like going back in time. It took only 6 months for me to permanently move to sweden.
During those 6 months i tried to learn the language as much as I could. I applied to university programs and was set to start the following year. I kept flying back and forth with my friends to get another hit of that high. The coffee. The fashion. The mood.
On my first day after moving here i applied to courses at uni. I got to skip SFI and went straight to komvux. A month in and I had met a beautiful, kind and funny swedish man. I didnt really want anything serious at all but somehow we are still together today. So I did komvux for swedish + socialised in swedish because of my sambo (but with him i still speak in english) + worked part time in english + studied full time in english (datateknik) until I graduated 2020. This meant i was doing 60% of life in english and 40% in swedish. Obviously no complaints. I wasn't feeling the pain yet.
Then I got a full time job doing what I love but the office language is swedish so everything, documentation, 3hr long meetings, user stories, etc. everything is in english (except the code. We have to translate everything). Anyhow...come to realise my swedish will never be as good as fluent. I am totally fine when it comes to technical meetings but lunch breaks, fika, AWs, summer parties, conferences. Everything is in swedish. And im sitting here feeling pretty dumb. Did I expect to come here and not speak swedish? I moved here BECAUSE of it! And so here is my confession: I liked swedish more when i didnt understand it. I find the conversations that are had in swedish so booooring. Also there's some sounds and intonations that really make my skin crawl. I feel a patronizing, superiority melody to everything. If not then I sense a layer of fakeness in every word. (Please do notice i am talking about my own perspective) I get one isnt 100% themselves at work but I find it really hard to break through the façade with the level of swedish I have.
At first I thought, ok girl cmon, you just gotta get really fluent and remove any trace of an accent so the otherness doesn't make people uncomfortable. Don't make them work for it! And the more I tried the more I resented it. I've been feeling like this for 2 years now. I am immersed in the swedish culture also outside of work because of my sambo. Midsummers, christmas, easter, birthdays, funerals. I am the only non-swedish person in all of these and I always insist in speaking swedish so as to not ruin the atmosphere. Especially if theres older people present i will try my very best to not even talk to my sambo in english (there was once a little incident with his farmor. She was sick of us speaking in english to each other so much so she cried).
So this is my life. Me pretending I know swedish well enough to get by. Keeping mostly quiet because sometimes im too exhausted. No faith I'll ever be fully proficient and the more I try the less I want it. I understand almost everything and i live in skåne so that is saying something. I feel extremely guilty but i am now looking for jobs that are not only international or have english as the office language. I am specifically looking for developer teams where at least half the team does not have swedish as their first language. And I feel awful and extreme guilt about this. Sometimes I daydream of just getting a one way ticket to any english speaking country, ireland, australia, new zealand, canada, England even. But then I look at what I'd be giving up here and it seems really really dumb! So i bury these feelings again and again. I think I'm fine but then any interaction in swedish brings me back to this point. The 3hr long meeting of swedishness and then the same lax and the same potatoes every friggin midsummer's. And we sing the songs. And we do these rituals but I have 0 meaningful conversations with anyone. Just a life of performance. I don't know how long i can do this for. Dark thoughts pop up every now and again. I mean, if I cant be happy here then where? Where do I go? Its not gonna be better anywhere else.
In any case im so sorry. I don't think its this country or its people. Its just that i dont think I have what it takes to be a part of this world. I welcome any advice from anyone that has had a similar experience. I am not ready to give up yet.
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The original was posted on /r/sweden by /u/forgetitok at 2023-07-07 11:13:00+00:00.
Blesshope at 2023-07-07 12:10:29+00:00 ID:
jr0iq97Sounds to me that you might not get enough intellectual stimulation. As you mention, you are not fluent enough in Swedish to have really deep and technical discussions at a comfortable level, so you are stuck in the small talk at the coffee machine.
I don't think you should feel guilty about this, I also resent the everyday small talk and crave deeper and more interesting discussions. The discussions at work are also affected by your colleagues, some people are not interested in deeper discussions and thus only talk about the weather or going camping with their caravan over the weekend. Drives me nuts.
So, changing jobs to a more international environment sounds like a good plan. There are plenty of corporates in Sweden where most people speak English on a day-to-day basis, especially bigger corporations like Volvo, Spotify, Sony Ericsson etc.
But maybe you don't need to try so hard. Embrace that you don't speak Swedish fluently and work on your deeper understanding of Swedish bit by bit. Sounds like you have done a great job so far, but maybe you have hit a wall and are getting burned out.
Have you considered seeing a therapist? I feel, based on what you have described, that maybe there is some underlying issue present as well, one you might not be really conscious about. It could be that you miss your home culture, family and friends etc. Or that the reality of Sweden has not lived up completely to your expectations or imagination and is now slowly gnawing away at you.
forgetitok (OP) at 2023-07-07 13:11:03+00:00 ID:
jr0pti8Thank you so much for this. Been in therapy for almost 2 years now. I actually started it because i thought something was preventing me from building deep connections with people.
After having lived here for 5 years I only have 2 good expat friends. One that i see once a month and another friend who lives in a different city but barely talk to because life. The latter moved to sweden with me at the same time. Both of them entered highly international sectors (finance and marketing). I worked part time in one of these (it was one similar to the ones you mentioned actually...right next door) And though this place was highly international, the swedes and non-swedes in the same floor and team kept separate. The swedes would go have lunch at the cafeteria at 11.30 and the internationals at 12:15. There was the swedish corner and the non swedish corner. There was a lot of AWs and team-building activities but the swedes never joined or did their own thing off the books. I chalked it up to them being particularly shy. And never thought about it. Then I left to get a job in the field i was studying for.
I entered a big consultancy. International. Very large. But here the split is 35 international/ 65 swedish. But still the same thing happens again. Swedes on one end. And international on another. My manager explicitly told me he would only speak swedish to me to help me get better contracts- which I welcomed and indeed I did! But if he hears the internationals speaking english he says "hey hey swedish!" In a joking manner...but still. My heart.
Blesshope at 2023-07-07 13:54:34+00:00 ID:
jr0vkj9Hmm, sounds quite rough.
I think it can be quite common that people with similar backgrounds tend to be drawn to each other, creating separate groups like you have experienced, unfortunately. And Swedes can be a little hesitant to join AWs and events outside of work, but again, it can vary greatly.
But I think it is a little weird that your manager is sort of forcing people to speak Swedish, even as a joke. I completely understand the business argument of speaking Swedish because it gives you more options for assignments, but if you are just speaking to each other, you should be able to speak whatever language makes communication the easiest.
Since you have studied Computer Science, I assume you are working Agile at your job? For me it sounds strange that the team would be divided and split into Swedes and non-Swedes. I've always found it natural to eat lunch with your team, without splitting into subgroups, so maybe you have just been unlucky.
But maybe you could try and find another job. Sometimes it can be hard to be a consultant as well, since in some workplaces consultants are not always seen as "true" colleagues compared to proper employees.
From my experience I can recommend Volvo, Volvo Cars and Tetra Pak. From my experience working there, we mixed pretty well without having too many subgroups forming.
Although, in some teams we never had any deeper discussions, just small talks for the most part, which again is boring.
forgetitok (OP) at 2023-07-07 15:24:13+00:00 ID:
jr18isfI job hopped a bit too much ins earch for a good fit so now im waiting it out a bit. Next year i will be changin companies and will hit up the ones you mentioned for sure. Thanks for the advice and just reading my rant. Means more than you think.
Blesshope at 2023-07-07 18:01:24+00:00 ID:
jr1wqfgHave you considered going back to school for a masters or phd? Assuming you don't have those degrees already.
Although, it can be challenging going back when you have been working for a few years and been earning a salary.
I think you could also look into smaller companies, like start ups, there there are not enough people to really form groups, and people are usually very driven and enthusiastic.