this post was submitted on 26 Dec 2023
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Mind sharing any piece of advice that you felt particularly useful? Thank you in advance. I’m so excited!

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[–] aredditimmigrant@endlesstalk.org 31 points 11 months ago (4 children)

Father of a 2.5 yr old here ... Have a few friends who just had kids as well.. I told them the same shpiel

  1. The next few months will be the toughest thing you ever go through (comparable to back to back all nighters in college, but this time it's for a few months)... Esp if you're working and don't have good paternity leave. But after you get over that hump. .... It gets a lot better and now you're in the club where everyone knows what you went through because they've been through it too.
  2. If your/your partners parents are in the picture and offer to babysit. Take up the offer. Go have a date night with your partner... It'll relieve a lot of stress
  3. If you live in a decent area, go for walks with the little one as often as you can. (in a bassinet/stroller obviously)
  4. If you're in a western country... If you ever feel like you're doing too little, the littlest amount of effort on your part gets much more props than the amount of effort. Just being there for your new kid and changing every 10th diaper is doing better than 60% of dads out there.
  5. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has amnesia about the next 6ish months. They'll say things like "why are you so tired? I don't understand!" Or "it wasn't that bad when we had kids".... It was. They just blocked it out
  6. When the kid gets off milk, any spices yall use usually in cooking. Or just generally like that aren't spicy. Expose it to them ASAP. It does wonders for their pallet and they'll be less picky in a few years
  7. Both you and your partner are stressed. You will fight and hate each other. Don't make any big life decisions for the next few months.

Hope this helps... Enjoy the journey.

[–] adhocfungus@midwest.social 7 points 11 months ago

Completely agree on all of these. Especially #5. Even your spouse will forget they ever insisted "Never again. No more kids."

[–] aredditimmigrant@endlesstalk.org 4 points 11 months ago

Rereading this a few days later, a few items come to mind

2a. Date night doesn't have to be fancy. A nice walk in a nearby park, or just a night where you can sleep/chill/watch TV together does the same as a nice dinner/drinks out on the town (and doesn't require you to dress up). The point is that you do something non-baby related TOGETHER.

  1. You're going to get tons of advice on how to raise the kid. The only piece of advice you need is this. When you get the advice, thank the person. Run it through your personal filter. If you like it, talk it through with your partner and decide if you both like it and help to implement it.

  2. You don't know them now, but you'll learn the "I'm hungry" vs "I'm tired" vs "I have a full diaper" cries soon. It's ok if it takes a while.

[–] picnicolas 4 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Lovely advice and spot on about the first few months.

My 11 month old likes spicy things. I also remember from the time I spent in India that their babies eat spicy curries and love it. So you don’t need to avoid spice completely, just start slow and gauge their reaction.

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[–] Zozano@lemy.lol 4 points 11 months ago

I will NEVER forget point 5.

[–] databender@lemmy.world 19 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Congratulations! If that kid is asleep you should be too, at least for the first few years.

[–] Tagger@lemmy.world 8 points 11 months ago (2 children)

I'm really sorry, but I hate this advice. If I'm sleeping when my baby is, when am I doing the laundry? having a shower? relaxing and watching TV with my wife? ect.

[–] Zozano@lemy.lol 3 points 11 months ago

That's the neat part, you don't!

[–] mercator_rejection@programming.dev 3 points 11 months ago

Agreed, "sleep when the baby sleeps" is the advice we got the most, but doesn't really hold water.

With our first, my partner and I took turns napping or doing chores while the other was on baby duty. When the second came along, that advice was a joke, it was more like one parent per child and shower after the older one goes to sleep.

[–] NABDad@lemmy.world 14 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Seasonal info:

Santa Claus uses different wrapping paper then Mom and Dad use. He buys the good stuff, but after the holidays when it's marked down. He stores it in the attic where only he can find it.

[–] zigmus64@lemmy.world 4 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Until a certain point, at least my kid doesn’t notice this subtlety…

[–] OZFive@lemmy.world 4 points 11 months ago

We are a certified Santa drop off depot. Elves leave packages disguised as Amazon boxes that we store for Santa to pick up and deliver Christmas Eve easing the load on his back, and the reindeer.

So the basement laundry room becomes off limits during the season.

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[–] Benjaben@lemmy.world 14 points 11 months ago

You may have ideas in mind about what kind of person they'll be, in terms of interests, personality, etc. This can be really strong because it may come from deep subconscious wants, and you may not even realize it, but it'll come out in your behavior. Nudging toward this activity, away from this one - that kind of thing. Be really careful with this - your kid will tell you who they are, and it can be super damaging if you don't listen.

You can shape values, and you can show them your enthusiasm for what you think is cool, but stop short of trying to shape what they like and who they are. Accept and get excited about the things they're into and they'll always want to share with you and keep you involved as they get older. Enthusiasm and passion are so much more important and useful in life than liking this thing over that thing, but it can be hard to let go of your implicit ideas about their future personality.

We very much expected kind of a tomboy-ish, or at least mixed interest girl. Rough and tumble, daredevil, etc. Not at all - she is the most classically feminine, pink-loving, only-interested-in-dolls little kid you can imagine.

[–] NABDad@lemmy.world 14 points 11 months ago (1 children)
[–] Albbi@lemmy.ca 4 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

Around my household, our phrase was "Sleep when the baby sleeps. Work when the baby works."

Fucking baby never worked. j/k around

[–] NABDad@lemmy.world 5 points 11 months ago

Yeah, babies are notoriously lazy.

[–] Windex007@lemmy.world 13 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Keeping your newborn baby alive is actually really easy.

Keeping yourself and your SO sane through the massive additional work under a massive sleep deficit is hard.

It DOES get easier though. Eventually.

[–] NABDad@lemmy.world 5 points 11 months ago

It DOES get easier though. Eventually.

Definitely. Once we dropped the last one off at college, it got a lot easier.

[–] abrake@lemmy.world 13 points 11 months ago (1 children)

If/when your kid gets sick (like with a cold/cough), there's very little that you can do. Most common medicines aren't approved for kids under 2. Consider buying a decent humidifier which can at least help keep their mucus more liquidity and help their breathing at night.

Every kid has different challenges that will really push to your limit at some point. Some kids have difficulty sleeping, some have difficulty eating, some have speech delays, some have gross motor delays, etc. You don't always know what your kid's particular difficulties will be but just keep working at it and do your best.

Start reading and singing to your kid as soon as their born. It's a great bonding activity and it's great for their brain/language development. You don't need a ton of books, you don't need to know a ton of kids songs, just do whatever you can.

Check out your local library (if there is one). There's usually lots of programming for young kids. They don't just have books, but sometimes also toys and other activities that you can check out. It's also a good place to meet and socialize with other parents.

[–] khannie@lemmy.world 6 points 11 months ago

The one thing I recall is finding useful for sick babies was the snot sucker or whatever they're called. Looks a bit like a turkey baster and it helps clear their nose before they learn to blow.

[–] orangeNgreen@lemmy.world 12 points 11 months ago

Congrats!

When times get hard, and you feel like you might never be well-rested again, remember that kid will eventually smile, and then laugh, and then walk, and then tell you they love you. Enjoy the journey as much as you can!

[–] NABDad@lemmy.world 12 points 11 months ago

You will probably discover that you can't do as much as you once did. You don't have enough time and/or you don't have as much energy. Don't sweat it. It doesn't matter. No one is judging you but you, so you can choose not to. Make decisions about what matters, and do those things.

Take care of your health. It's too easy to ignore your own health, but it's like putting your own oxygen mask on before you put your kid's mask on. You need to make sure you're in the best shape you can be so that you can be there for them.

No two kids are the same. Any specific advice anyone gives should be interpreted as "this worked for me, you will most definitely have different results".

It will feel like you're being pushed to your limit because you are. It's a tempering process. Every day, everything you do will make you stronger.

You will make mistakes. Massive, horrifying mistakes. They will eat at you for years. Let it go. Make sure your kids know you love them. They'll figure out you weren't perfect on their own. If they were loved, they'll forgive you for your mistakes.

I strongly recommend you take that last bit of advice and let it go. If you succeed, let me know how you did it.

[–] surewhynotlem@lemmy.world 12 points 11 months ago

When they're crying they need something. Sometimes it's the obvious stuff: diaper, food, sleep. Sometimes it's not: feeling of safety/security, need a specific stuffie, over stimulated, confused, need to be held. That's ok, and none of it means you're a bad parent.

The crying will wear you down, but you will get better at guessing their needs. It's still very hard.

Remember, sometimes you need to take care of yourself before you can care for your kid properly. Eat and nap when you can. Shower if you can.

[–] Bluesheep@lemmy.world 11 points 11 months ago (1 children)

If you need a minute, put them down somewhere safe, and take that minute. Sometimes the crying gets to you, and that’s OK too.

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[–] SacralPlexus@lemmy.world 11 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Someone else said it but I’m going to say it again because it’s a big deal. Read to your child every day. Seriously. Start super super early. Point to words as you are reading them.

Reading is the gateway to most other knowledge and the sooner you start and more of it you do, it makes a big difference. Some studies in the past (citation needed) have shown a link between the number of books around a child’s home and their intelligence.

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[–] specseaweed@lemmy.world 11 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Take pictures. They’ll never be that age again.

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[–] SendMeYourTatas@kbin.social 11 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Single father to a teen here.

Skin to skin contact. It's a great way to bond with your baby. Take your shirt off and hold them. Talk and sing to them.

Make sure you have plenty of diapers and wipes but don't buy too much of one size at one time. They grow fast! Also, learn what a blowout is if you don't know already.

Be ready for messes. On you, them, everywhere!

Take lots of photos and document milestones, silly moments, 1sts etc.

Be patient. There will be rough patches through their life but it's nothing you can't get through.

Keep up on Dr's visits and write a list of questions and concerns that aren't immediate so you don't forget.

Check out https://imaginationlibrary.com/ . Dolly Parton started this and they provide educational books from birth to 5 years old, free of charge.


These are 'later in life' things but useful nonetheless!

Take interest in anything they're interested in, even if they've already shown you 100 times before.

Always be honest and direct when asked questions because there will be a lot of questions. Some awkward, some silly, some that you may not know and will have to search for.

Teach them to communicate their feelings and how to deal with those feelings.

Teach them life skills early, such as cooking, cleaning etc

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[–] spongebue@lemmy.world 10 points 11 months ago

The first few months are the hardest. You will be worn down, with very few happy moments to reward you, but it gets better each month. Nobody joins the army to go to boot camp. Mine is a little over a year old and while we still have some challenges and minor developmental delays, things are actually getting fun at times.

[–] ares35@kbin.social 10 points 11 months ago

read to them.. early and often. and when they're old enough, have them read to you.

[–] RandomUser@lemmy.world 8 points 11 months ago

You will get stressed, maybe even angry. It's ok. Take a deep breath and walk away for a moment.

There doesn't seem to be much emotional support for men, but sometimes it's needed. Talk to someone, anyone, even talking to random people on the internet can help.

Enjoy the ride, you're in for a great adventure, and while it doesn't feel like it at the time, they really do grow up quick.

[–] quinkin@lemmy.world 8 points 11 months ago

Be fooled and let them have their harmless lies. Otherwise you train them to be good liars.

[–] khannie@lemmy.world 8 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

Three little things that aren't super useful for newborns (congratulations and enjoy the cuddles!).

If a child ever gives you anything, take it with huge gratitude. It could be a leaf but that's all they have to give. I have a box of things beside my bed that things they've put effort into go in. They love hearing that something is going in "the box". edit: I frequently do a selfie with them when they gift me something. They also love that.

Try to separate action from person for negative stuff...."that's naughty" not "you're naughty" but reverse that for positive things "Thank you! You're so kind!"

Take lots of photos and lots of videos. They're so great to look back on.

GOOD LUCK!

[–] howrar@lemmy.ca 5 points 11 months ago

Take lots of photos and lots of videos. They're so great to look back on.

My kid isn't even a year old yet and I still love taking breaks from parenting responsibilities by looking through old (sometimes even from the same day) photos and videos. Seeing the same thing live versus in digital media hits so different. When the baby is there, you're responsible for them and that takes up all your mental energy. Photos and videos? They let you actually appreciate all the good parts.

[–] NABDad@lemmy.world 6 points 11 months ago

Here's one for later:

Your job is too get your kids ready for life. Initially, you make all the decisions and control everything. As time goes on, you'll need to transition to letting them do things and letting them decide things. It's little at first, but it needs to increase.

Your kids should learn how to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. they'll need to do it for themselves some day, and far too many kids end up on their own with no idea how.

By the time they turn 18, your role as decision maker is OVER. From that point on you're available for solicited advice, and for rescue when they make a bad decision and need help.

[–] Nougat@kbin.social 6 points 11 months ago

Enable them to make all the mistakes they want. Protect them from making permanent mistakes.

[–] LoganNineFingers@lemmy.ca 6 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Not sure if it's boy or girl but girl dad checking in here...

My daughter's are 7, 4 and 3. As they get older, not unlike boys they start to develop interests and likes which usually is largely impacted by the parents. My buddies have sons and I don't see a difference in the relationship other than my girls are more affectionate. I think it really comes down to parenting.

My 7 year old plays basketball and swims through our university and plays video games with me. Last year we built some yard games with lumber scraps. She used the drills while I used the saws.

My 4 year is starting to join in now too. Work to be done at the cottage? Guess who's now on my heels to help? She gets legitimately pissed if I go to home depot without her so I now have to schedule those trips while she's awake.

My 3 year old is exactly that. 3 years old, a tornado toddler and a bit of a bully. But I'm excited to see what she starts latching onto. She's already wanting to tag along to home depot although she's more of the cuddle and read a book type (someone else said read to them everyday, highly recommended)

At the end of the day, I think girls / boys doesn't really matter too much. It's what you put into the relationship with them that matter most. I'd say it starts around the 2-3 year mark. Include them in everything you do.

On that note, I'm going to go downstairs and lift weights tomorrow morning with....you guessed it. All three of my girls. (I built them some wooden play weights that the little two use. My 7 year old is now old enough for 5's and cable machine as well as the play weights). Their attention span for lifting lasts like 3 minutes and then they go play. But they're not only allowed to be there, but encouraged to join me.

Your kids will benefit from the bonds you create with them from shared interests and spent time, not gender.

I've finally been able to get out the Lego I have been keeping since I was a kid and they love it. So much so 30% of Christmas gifts this year were Lego!

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[–] Che_Donkey@lemmy.ml 6 points 11 months ago

Not now but later on please try and remember that when your kid fucks up, you will see YOUR flaws and not theirs, so be mindful of how you go about talking about it, discipline, punishment.

[–] holycrapwtfatheism@kbin.social 6 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Spare clothes wherever are an absolute lifesaver.. spares for adults can also be very useful. Diaper bag, cars, etc.

Kid may appreciate a much louder noise than you'd think they would while sleeping. White noise machine or just a cellphone with something they find peaceful to sleep.

Kids absorb a ton, for our 3rd we implemented a lot of sign language and she communicates so much more than we realized at only 19 months (and since much earlier) which helps keep some frustration tantrums at bay.

Everyone will have advice, some is legitimately not applicable to you/your parenting style/who your child is/outdated. Just between my 3 they're so vastly different some things genuinely just wouldn't work for them all and it takes time to find what works whether it's food, clothing, room temps, etc.

[–] Tippon@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 11 months ago

Spare clothes wherever are an absolute lifesaver.. spares for adults can also be very useful. Diaper bag, cars, etc.

This is one of the most underrated tips.

My kid is seven now, almost eight, and if we're going anywhere nice, or far from home, we try to remember to take at least a change of clothes. Kids have an unnatural ability to get dirty at the worst possible time, and especially if you're miles away from other clothes.

[–] Pansexual_Pagan@lemmy.world 6 points 11 months ago

I know it can be difficult, but soft voices and calming shushes do wonders for little ones. Mine was a big fan of the bouncy knee when he was upset. Also as someone from an abusive home, violence never teaches anything except fear. As they get older, explain the consequences of what they do, like if it will cause them to get hurt, or if fighting bath time will lead to less time for books at bedtime for example (time management). The key to gentle parenting is teaching consequences rather than punishment. They should always be tied to the action to be a consequence, I.e. if you do or don’t do A, then we can’t do B. Taking away D will only cause confusion and anger.

Other than that, have patience with yourself. It’s hard being a parent and as long as you do your best, and show them love, that will be enough.

[–] Not2Dopey@sh.itjust.works 6 points 11 months ago

Take more pictures and videos than you think you should. Document everything, especially the mundane. You will never regret taking a video or photo. I have a 16 year old and time flies so fast, but we look back at the past with fondness. My wife and I were smugly talking (to each other, never brag to other parents) about how our son didn't have tantrums, until I found a video of him having one. You are so sleep deprived that you will forget a lot, but you can rely on the video evidence

[–] Spoke@sh.itjust.works 5 points 11 months ago

Here are my adds to the good advice already here. Don’t get too caught up with buying baby things. They grow fast and what they truly need is you, food, and sleep.

If you can afford the initial sped to get cloth diapers they are amazing and will save you and the planet a ton.

On that topic a blanket I the floor is the best changing table for money and safety. The kid can’t roll off the floor.

Be there to support the mother. This can be a difficult time especially if she is breastfeeding. Sleep will be difficult for both of you but especially for her.

[–] ProfessorPeregrine@reddthat.com 5 points 11 months ago

Lots of great advice. The one I might add that we failed at miserably is understanding and appreciating mental health issues. I really recommend that you educate yourself and your partner on what to keep an eye out for and check in with your kids to see how they're doing.

[–] Jaytreeman@kbin.social 4 points 11 months ago

Kids act up when they don't get enough attention.
When people are dying they regret not spending more time with their loved ones. No one's ever been proud of how much overtime they did on their deathbed

[–] bluGill@kbin.social 4 points 11 months ago (1 children)

If you play an instrument get the cheapest [instrument] shaped object you can. From 6 months to 4 your only practice time is while watching them in the tub, but you might destroy the insturment saving a drowning kid.

[–] NABDad@lemmy.world 2 points 11 months ago (1 children)
[–] bluGill@kbin.social 3 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Fortunately not so far, and my youngest is almost old enough to bathe alone. I will miss that time

[–] NABDad@lemmy.world 3 points 11 months ago (1 children)

The "lasts"

The last time you do something with your kids. You almost never realize it when it's happening.

I first realized it with taking my daughter trick-or-treating. It was Halloween, and I was tired and dreading it. I headed home, got myself psyched up to take her out, and then when I got there she said she was going out with friends instead.

I realized that the previous time was the last time and I was never going to do that again. Despite being exhausted from work, I was heartbroken that I had not focused well enough the previous time. It felt like I had just wasted the opportunity.

She's almost 21 now, and I'm still talking about it. So, you know it hit hard.

[–] lameidunnowat@lemmy.world 2 points 11 months ago

Thank you for sharing that story. I’ll try to remember this!

[–] blazeknave@lemmy.world 3 points 11 months ago
  1. everyone has opinions. Only your instincts are what matter for you and your family. Politely nod, internalize, synthesize against all your other inputs, and decide for yourself
  2. wrt #1, you dont owe anyone shit
  3. the days are long but the months and years are short. What seems like the hard part, is the important part, and it's fleeting from day one. Every second, your child is growing further from you from birth. Savor this
  4. photos and videos. Tons. Non stop. You'll slow down organically. Lean in now
  5. the only constant is change. A child is always growing as soon as you master one thing, you're learning the next whether it's diapers, eating, or opinions when they get older
  6. it will get easier. Nobody tells you how hard it is, how lonely it gets in the beginning. It's not you. It's hard. But you can do this.
  7. if the meal train hasn't left the station, prepare for existential dread around the time household hormones taper off. Everyone wants to see the newborn, but there's less help later when you actually need it
  8. make life easy. Pay for help you can afford. Pre-Cut produce, delivery, prepared foods, bulk frozen, make it easy on yourself. This isn't forever. You deserve some grace
  9. if baby is alive, it's going to be okay. That's your only job. Love the shit out of that little one and keep it alive, and you're succeeding
  10. oxygen mask is real af. Hold it tight.
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