A community for transfeminine people and experiences.
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Back when I thought I was cis (trans femme now ❤️) it came down to really wanting to respect the person I was talking to or about and really wanting to be a safe space for them.
Not sure if that is something for everyone, but at least for me it was important to try and convey my support in small ways like that and generally giving the person the space to explore their name/pronouns.
I always apologize if I make an honest mistake, just to show the person that I intend to speak to them in good faith.
I don't worry too much about that when meeting new people. The thing I'm afraid of is misgendering people I've known for a very long time. I want very much to use the correct name and pronoun but the ones I've known them by for the past decade or whatever sometimes slip past the filter.
Edit: and since these are longstanding relationships, I'm more concerned with their feelings than I would be a stranger.
When I meet a trans person I PANIC. I kick and shriek like an angry baby, as my illusory straights-only world crumbles around my ears. Wait, are those cat ears?? Oh no, it's already too late, my transformation into a queer cat-boi is already complete. Then I go home and make a sandwich. Not a big deal, really
If I'm not sure, I either just use their first name, ask for pronouns, or use gender neutral pronouns. It's not difficult.
I had an interaction today at work where I discussed a technical issue of a user of unclear pronouns and my coworker said "I think she(?) needs to...." and the question mark struck me as being very unkind. Never do that. Just use "they" or first names in those situations.
I think putting a question mark shows that they are unsure of pronouns and would prefer to use the correct one. However, I completely agree that 'they', or a name, would be much better.
I don't think the intent is unkind but it is clumsy and inconsiderate. A small step above unkind.
You open your mouth, and words come out. It's pretty much the same process as for cis folk...