Autism

One option might be finding a neurodiversity-celebrating (or at least affirming) therapist who does “exposure therapy” for social anxiety, and who has experience with autistic clients.

The general idea of exposure therapy is that no amount of learning without practice, and no amount of practice while NOT feeling anxious, will translate to successful performance WHILE ANXIOUS.

The evidence base is robust.

So, paradoxically, the goal is to get uncomfortable on purpose and practice socializing in that state. In small doses, with guidance (at least at first).

The first benefit is that you can socialize more even when anxious and overwhelmed… and EVENTUALLY (don’t expect immediate results) your nervous system will get the hint that socializing while anxious is ok… and then it might let you off the hook, i.e. stop making you feel so anxious.

Source: I’m a ND therapist who specializes in helping autistic clients with OCD/anxiety.

I think there’s a point where over researching overtakes usefulness and just feeds anxiety because it leans into social hyper awareness and every autistic cell screaming at you to Perform Friendliness.

A total life changer for me was focusing more on how I feel in every moment and then deploying meaningless small talk at 100% masked friendliness (this is at a 1 sentence fragment per 10-30min interval) if I feel like I have the energy to perform. Strategically, I make sure to be extra bubbly and say things like, “Everyone here is so brilliant! Do you all have a group chat to share things outside of the conference every year? How does everyone stay in touch?” Anything aimed at gaining points of contact without spending more immediate social energy.

The crucial part is — when I no longer feel ok, be it energy, anxiety, self doubt, etc — I make a friendly exit. Just a, “Great meeting you all!” And commit to the exit. A goodbye is weirdly a big deal for the best groundwork for future encounters. And, I can go home mostly ok and can more likely shake off any anxiety or latent disappointment without an extended recovery period.

Go on to smaller communities. Charity works or hobby meetups are like, cheating your way into social lives because (a) Everyone wants you to be there (b) You have a subject in common and (c) if you don't feel like talking you can turn your attention to the work or the hobby and be seen in a positive light for it.

Whenever I go out to socialize, I remind myself of this:

"When it's time to fly, don't deny."

I've found that an early-but-graceful exit has a better effect. Whenever I've stuck around too long, my anxiety & what-not spreads around, and I'm now tainting their experience. Plus, it makes my recovery much more extenuated & difficult.

I would say, given what you've described, one thing you need to do is be willing to fail. Convince yourself that you can say something to someone without knowing how the conversation will end. Because it kinda sounds like that planning idea is how you get stuck inside your head. You can't sit and plan conversations all day. You have to actually have them. That will involve experiencing failure, and learning from that failure, and trying again. That's normal. Everyone does it, whether neurotypical or anywhere on the spectrum.

Having conversations is how you get better at having conversations.