Asklemmy

Go to your local food bank. Food banks are often seriously underused programs that are exactly for people in your situation. A lot of people are hesitant to use food pantries because they perceive them to be for people in worse shape than themselves. But if you are only able to pay half rent, you are exactly the person that food pantries are more than happy to help. They are typically staffed with incredible people who often have their own experiences with trouble making ends meet, and these days you can get some very high quality and fresh food. Please, go. Other than that, know that being tired and feeling hopeless is normal, but you can persevere. Just reaching out here is a really hard step that takes a lot of courage. Good on you! And good luck! Internet hugs!!!

I was lucky to be born in relatively fortunate circumstances and it infuriates me whenever I hear about the failures of our society.

And it doesn't even have to be like this, there are rich people hoarding money, resources and power, and fucking up the environment and the peoples' lives in the process.

I don't know how to fix this, but the first step is recognising the problem at least.

The “good” news - and your landlord might benefit from hearing this in advance - is that as I understand it, you’ll be paid salary for any shutdown period, after it’s resolved. Could be a meaningful amount of money depending on how long. Making sure the ll understands that could buy you some time, but depends on them.

I’ll assume you don’t qualify for any assistance programs given a gov salary and a second job plus your wife’s income. But…. Check anyway. Some states are rather more generous.

I THINK you might be eligible for unemployment during any shutdown, but generally there’s a waiting period of a week, it’s max 2/3 of income with a hard cap, and I cannot cite a source that says you do qualify. Worth diggging into, very state specific.

I’ve taken to gig work, so that the misc money I spend on myself doesn’t come off “rea” income. With a second job that might not be practical, but might be for your wife if you live in or near a relatively safe city. I ignore gigs in my hometown entirely, I make more in the nearest major city and they have “hourly” pay there so I make something worthwhile even without a tip (25% of orders don’t tip, roughly, from my experience).

As far as your mental health, which is the real focus here…. A couple things come to mind.

It’s short term hardship, you need to get through days or weeks - not a way of life. Understanding and actually internalizing that has helped me through some significant rough patches.

If at all possible, don’t short groceries or the miscellaneous money your wife spends on little stuff, including her. You don’t function well without decent food. Aldi is one possibility, can be cheaper for some things.

I’d expect family to be sympathetic to the potential shutdown, but I understand feeling like you shouldn’t ask for more. Guess what, though - they know the position you’re in already, and the potential shutdown is public knowledge as well. OTOH, that’s assuming they are decent humans and that they have the money in the first place. I don’t and can’t know if either are true.

Gotta be honest, selling stuff is a) getting ripped off, b) depressing af, and c) you’ll have to spend money to replace it down the road. It’s to be avoided if at all possible, for all of those reasons.

You’ve already rented a room, that’s more than I’d be able to do - I WFH so the spare room is my office, and the only place I can maintain some confidentiality of data, which is a base expectation of the field.

Don’t know how far behind you are on utilities, but most states make it fairly easy to find just how far you can push “past due”, and what arrangements can be made.

Some states require reasonable payment arrangements to split the bill across future months, some don’t. Worth exploring. You want to keep the lights on, at nearly any cost, because usually they’ll expect entire past due amount plus deposit to reconnect. Same for gas/water, as applicable.

Comcast has offered 10 day extensions to me,for internet only. Have to chat and ask for it, though that may vary by state as well

Also…. Remember there’s no guarantee a shutdown will occur, or last a long time. As we saw, last minute action is very possible. Also, if I remember the timeline correctly, we passed a 45 day CR and there are still 30 ish days left before that happens.

Food pantries if needed - no one there is judging, they wouldn’t volunteer if they did. You almost certainly will walk out with way more stuff than you expected. You’ll need to fill in holes, but that’s a short term way to reduce your grocery bill by a meaningful amount, since most staples are there.

Take care of yourself, it matters. The mental health side of this creates a slippery slope that’s easy to descend into and hard to get out of. Even if that just means sometimes buying a thing you particularly like as a reward for getting through the week. Compare the cost of me making a crab cake once a month, with the cost of additional therapy because I tried to live with zero extras. Silly example, but total self-denial is positively brutal to your brain, and tends to turn desire into cravings.

Wish I had more advice, but I hope something in there helps. You probably took a gov job at least partially because it (generally) offers stability, I’m sorry that our leg branch can’t seem to maintain that.

One more thing - unless you’re likely to get a giant pay bump, now is probably not the time to look for a new job. That takes time to spin up and find the right one, and the long term hit to eg any pension is significant. It also doesn’t solve immediate issues, since generally checks are delayed a pay cycle or so for processing.

Again, I’m sorry this is happening to you, and I wish I could do more for you and your colleagues. You have no dog in this fight, and neither your nor the military’s paychecks should be impacted.

https://www.forbes.com/advisor/debt-relief/how-to-file-for-bankruptcy/

I've struggled with anxiety and depression for almost 20 years now. Sometime durring that there are times where it would get bad, every little thing seemed like the end of the world, and I would need to just ride it out. Durring those times I have a rather morbid but effective saying I would say to myself. It's kind of a bastardization of the army EOD motto which is officially "Initial sucess or total failure". It makes sense because when someone is defusing a bomb and they fail then the bomb goes off and they die. But logic would dictate that if they're not dead then they haven't failed yet. So when my brain is being uncooperative about something I did I just think to myself "That didn't kill me so I didn't fail yet." It's just a way to remind myself that unless a decision I make or thing that happens actually kills me, I still have a chance to fix it.

As far as actual help with money and budgeting I can't be much help because Im in the same boat myself. There was a budgeting app I used a while back called "You Need A Budget" (I think the app is just named YNAB). It works really well for actually seeing exactly where all your money is going. The only problem I had with it is that it just assumes that you will actually make enough money to fully cover all of your expenses and as I'm sure you're aware that isn't always the case when you're broke.

As far as more immediate help I have personally been using a payday loan app called earnin to help buffer some expenses. It's nice because it doesn't directly charge any interest on the money you borrow. Instead it just asks for "tips" and you can just choose to tip $0 if money is really tight. It does guilt you a bit for doing that but it doesn't stop you. I normally tip $6 and it doesn't complain about that. You can borrow up to $100 per day up to your pay period limit which is based on how much you make and will go up based on you reliably making payments and if you tip at all (don't do the default tip, $6 is plenty to make it go up) If you want let me know and I can send you my link (I think we both get $25) but just posting it here makes me feel like a spam bot.

I can only advise on the psychological front.

What I do to keep myself moving is whenever I notice that I’m frozen I start saying to myself “Move. Get moving. Keep moving”

Like I literally say it out loud. If I stay frozen it gets worse and worse, and I know that from experience. So I just command myself to keep moving.

I often find myself visualizing Trinity in the opening scene of The Matrix: https://youtu.be/cGeoB8czHo8?si=xlRzFuM7S8TQzDNU

She’s been kicking ass and moving fluidly, then for a moment her task is vigilant stillness. But a part of her recognizes that the still posture has a danger of becoming a freeze response, so she gets herself moving with words.

And if I break down crying, I limit it. I cry for a bit but, slightly before I feel complete about it, I force myself to get moving again. I allow myself short, finite periods of collapse, but I make sure to cut them off before I get too deep.

This is the system that seems to work best for me when I’m in the most hopeless situations.

Edit: I want to add that I’m a single guy who lives alone. These breakdowns aren’t happening with a partner. All my worst moments have been alone. In a group I’d be composing myself as much as I possibly could to help keep the general mood up.

https://lasagnalove.org/

Can’t say enough good things about them.

Damn… I feel for you. It sounds like you are in a tough spot. There’s lots of good advice on this page, and the one thing I will add is to protect and keep working on your relationship. Money is the core component of many (or was it most?) relationship problems.

You can get through it, but (IMHO) you need your wife right there with you (or at least, I did). We were doing ok until I tried to start a business and dropped my 9-5 job. Revenue was slim, and then at one point I earned nothing for 6 months. We were on the bones of our arse - living off a meagre kindergarten teacher’s wage paying rent and food. Without my wife, we would have drowned. She did amazing things in budgeting down to the last penny, no luxuries, riding everywhere, spending time together. It was hard and there was no end in sight for a long time. We were very lucky and things turned around. But I would have not managed it without her (and her incredible budgets).

It sound like you have been deep in it for longer than we were, and I wish you all the best in working your way out.

My dad once told me a sentence that stuck with me ever since:

Somehow everything always continues to be.

In German though, he said "irgendwie geht es immer weiter".

Meaning that even if your rent is due and you can't pay, you're not on the streets tomorrow. And if you land on the streets, you still find shelter and have a wife which can console you. And if you don't find shelter, you still continue to live. You will always live.

There is always a tomorrow and somehow you'll manage to reach it, unless you die at some point. That point is usually way, way farther out than you could imagine.

The stuff I lived through sometimes looked like I wouldn't survive, but I did. Homeless people survive every day.

Regarding happiness, it's hard for people who experienced long times of it to finally realise that they were lucky and there's just periods of happiness to be found. Sometimes those periods are just moments. Cherish them. The small things. Fresh air, sun, a cuddle, some discount allowing you to get something nice for your wife.

What else could I do to save money?

Engage less in your job and use the free time to search for better opportunities. Capitalism keeps its low wage workers occupied so they don't unionize or search for better jobs, it keeps them poor so they can be exploited with high interest loans. If you can find a way around that, exploit the people which are higher up than you. Always steal from the rich, because that's repossession.

Hey friend, first of all it's indeed a fucked up life and I lnow it very well. One not practical but helpfull thing I did was watch some financial youtube videos lile Graham stephan or kaleb hammer. It really did opened mymind to things I thought I really needed and thought me some good financial literacy.

Another thing for me is that one day I was so so down that I thought "I either finish it all or get some meds there is no way to live like this". Getting help for my mental health was the best this I ever did. My financial/life situation didn't change but my feelings about it did which allowed my to think rationally and calm and find practical solutions. It really changed my life, not only the quality but also the financial side long term. Anxiety don't let us think like we should about things.

Go to an employment agency/temp agency.

There's paperwork and possibly tests before you can actually get work. Do all of that now so that you don't have to wait while they process the paperwork if you get furloughed. Be sure to explain that you're expecting to get furloughed.

With the holidays approaching, retail stores may need extra staff. Not yet, but post-thanksgiving.

I've never done it, but there's the payment for taking surveys online.

I agree with others that the car is a major money sink. Can it sit in the driveway and wait for you to get through this?

Paying a friend to drive to work together probably costs less than gas + insurance + repairs.

Dude, I don’t know if random internet advice can help you- but I feel for you man, and the dawn is better than the night. Hang in there, things will get better!

Sound like you live in the states but one thing I’m doing to keep costs down at the moment is cycle everywhere whenever I don’t need to get the train or car. It’s 7.20 return to use the metro whereas cycling is free. Savings Adds up quickly.

This too she’ll pass.

Sounds like you’re doing everything you can. It sucks that you’re going through this; I hope the situation improves and you don’t get furloughed.

I’m guessing that if you could get to all your jobs without the car, you would have already done so? Saving on gas and insurance can help, but depending on where you live that might not be realistic.

You could try contacting local food banks and see if they ever make accommodations for people who are working during operating hours. They might not but there’s no harm in asking.

Right now you’re in a serious hole from missing work for a family emergency. I don’t have much advice for getting back onto steady ground aside from being super crazy frugal and working extra hours in the short term (which is fucking exhausting mentally and emotionally and physically). Do you have any long term plans for having more breathing room years from now? If your steady state is “one car repair or illness away from defaulting on payments” then that’s a hard path. Do you or your wife have prospects for better paying jobs in the future? Are there training or educational opportunities that could help? Are there cheaper places you could live (smaller, worse neighborhood?) to save money while working towards better job prospects? Living on not enough money in crappy circumstances sucks but it is definitely more bearable if you know it’s temporary and you’re making progress towards something better.

Good luck.

For cooking, get Leanne Brown's "Good and Cheap" book, she put the PDF for free on her website: https://www.leannebrown.com/all-about-good-and-cheap/

Also, if you have a car see if you can downgrade by going for a cheaper used car, try to find cheaper rent and look for stuff you don't need anymore and sell it.

Good luck!