Mental Health

Why not, here's my story:

This year is by far the worst of my life. But before i start this was my life so far:

I'm 37, male and live in Germany. So far my life was a nice life: i worked a lot, made my college degree, studied, finished as master of science in engineering and now i work in a well paid job for the goverment, which i really like. When i started studying i met my third girlfriend which became the love of my life. We've been together for 13 years, 6 of it married. We have two incredible sweet kids, a 5 yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My family owns a small farmstead build in 1845 which a renovated in the last 5 years to a incredible nice and warm home. There my wife started freelancing as a gardener and selling vegetables and fruits at our own farmshop and local farmers markets.

Of course we had our ups and downs as pretty much every couple. But our life was simply great. At least for me...

This year everything went down to shit. In january my wife had a big life-crisis where she decided without any fortelling that she wants a divorce and she's taking the kids and wants to move out. Out of nowhere and there's no talking or whatsoever. Under German law and our special situation this means i lose pretty much all my money, my kids and if she really wants to also my farm which is in my family for generations. And of course the love of my life, for whom i would do anything....

So when it was finally over in April i had suicidal thoughts and spend a week in a mental hospital. I was an really dark place right then.

But this wasn't all: one month later my doctor called that i have a pretty rare kind of skin tumor, which can either be harmless or sure death. At this point i didn't even care any more. But after weeks they found it was the harmless variant. So now there's a huge scar on my shoulder which will remind me of the break-up for the rest of my life...

Again one month after that a friend of mine was driving with my car, got in an accident with my own father in front of my house where both cars were destroyed. So now my insurance company is sueing me of insurance-fraud, even that i didn'd do anything.

Oh, and last Werk my aunt died. The funeral was on saturday with more than 1.000 people.

Oh, and although my life broke up with me in february, she still live's with me, as she didn't learn any well paid job, owns nothing and so can't get a place to live.

So all in all, i'm not far away to completely lose it.... despite having family and friends it slowly gets to mich to bear in just a few months.

I had plans to get things done on this day off. Yet I’m exhausted sitting on the couch, one half of my brain is saying it’s ok, it’s self care, I haven’t done this in months. The other half is scolding myself for not getting anything done. 😔

(CW: SUICIDE) I attempted suicide in 2017 around this time of year. I thought, after surviving, that I would turn things around. That things would get better. Instead they got worse. I'm not suicidal now, but I am more of a mess than ever. My anxiety skyrocketed since. I became much more reserved. I barely recognize myself some days. Metaphorically. I still have my good looks, lmao. Unironically grateful for that, even if no one ever sees me.

In the past few years, I went from independence and living in the same town as my friends, back to living with family in a hometown that I don't want to be in, which has cratered what little pride I had.

But what I miss most of all is being able to take long walks to clear my head. I miss walking without pain. I miss sitting without pain. I miss being awake without pain.

I am doing alright enough. I have begun to get my flow going once more with my schedule, though it has not been easy. It does not help that admittedly I have been dealing more with a lot of my pains than I like to over the past few days, with me having to resort to using my cane a bit around the house and resting so that it relieves the pain and difficulties.