How was your own upbringing? In hindsight, what do you wish your parents would have done differently?
this post was submitted on 07 Nov 2024
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My upbringing was similar to that of our son, and I heavily benefited from it. My wife had kind of the same upbringing until around 13, after which her parents became more permissive and "let her loose", which she believes was a mistake since she didn't have that push from the back anymore and lost many opportunities due to that. As for my parents, I think they did the best job they could.
I don't think that's what 'strict' means. 'Strict' is not a descriptor of the volume or quality of guidelines, but of what the tolerance for failing to adhere to them is.
I suppose so, but my parenting style has been described as strict by the people around me; so in my opinion it also has a colloquial meaning.
My parents were strict in many ways, but the ones that bother me were the ones that didn't have a sound reason behind them.
Like, "You have to be in bed at this time so you can sleep enough to feel ok in the morning" was fine. So was "Do your homework first, then go play so you don't have to worry about it, and you don't get surprised by it taking longer and you run out of time".
But sometimes they'd be like "you can't play video games but you can watch TV ", and that felt weird. I think they were just more comfortable with tv because they knew it.
So I guess my questions are, do you explain your reasons and motivations?
Do you ever back down if your child makes a compelling argument?
i grew up like this, but in the 80s so no screens like we know them now, just an old CRT. however my free time was scheduled and TV was not an option even tho it was free time. the only real difference is my father would beat the snot out of me if i did something wrong, bad grades, whatever.
the only positive thing i got out of all of that is i hate being late for something. id rather be 45 minutes early than 5 minutes late. I also have not spoken to my father in over 20 years now, so i guess thats also a positive.
- How much, if any, input does your son have on the rules you set for him? Can he realistically suggest changes to the rules?
- How positively/negatively do you believe your son views the rules? Does he follow them willingly or grudgingly?
- How does his situation compare with those of his friends?
- How have the rules developed over the years? Have they loosened/tightened as he's grown up? At what point do the rules stop appying?
- To what extent are the rules enforced? And by what methods?
- Do you ever question your approach?
Genuinely interested in this, none of those questions are asked with prejudice.
- We’re always open to communication & are adaptable. For example if his daily screen time limit is 2h, if he’s watching once in a while a movie such as Lord of the Rings, idk, which exceeds that, we’ll let him finish. Or if his out with friends and his curfew is in a bit but everyone’s leaving a short time past that, he won’t drag him out of there. The only rule is he shouldn’t make a habit out of this and try to follow the rules as they are, which he does. But as in him making the rules, no, he knows that’s the “authority figure’s” job. 2. Pretty positively, he follows them willingly. 3. Depends, some have more authoritative parents, others more permissive parents. 4. I think they have remained around the same enforcement wise. Around 18 transitionally. 5. Fully. We never use violence, but punishment includes things such as time outs, no going out, no phone / screens, writing an essay self-reflecting on behaviour, etc. 6. No, not really.
Thank you, interesting answers.
Why have kids?
What's the rationale behind it?
Also, how much privacy do you grant him?
How often do you strike your child? What are consequences for getting in trouble at school? Failing a test or not getting 100% on a test?
What sorts of punishments and restrictions do you give your kid when they disappoint you?
I come from a strict parental background so I’m curious.
This isn't strict this is just going to make him hate you and never come back when leaving for good.
And he will be right.
What you do isn't parenting, its prison like circumstances you create.
I don’t agree with this at all and my personal life experience tells me otherwise; but you have the right to your own opinion. In my eyes gen Z and alpha are the generations which lack discipline the most - and that’s a parenting failure.
While I might even agree with you on the lack of discipline, I think you may be overcompensating, especially considering your son being 15 already.
Now, I may be biased as someone who has spent most of his waking time since teenage years figuring out how to convince computers to do my bidding but a daily screen time of just two hours doesn't seem enough to build proper media literacy and an understanding of how modern technology actually works which to me is a serious concern in a world where almost every job requires us to interact with that technology. And a curfew that's significantly more strict than what his friends have to obay will eventually make him an outsider.
We don't know the full story and maybe he is happy with your methods but please please please talk to him about his feelings. I've seen hundreds if not thousands of young people who loathe their parents for their strict parenting methods but are too afraid to say something for fear of being punished with even stricter rules. Then, the second they turn 18, they break all ties and never look back.
Gen Z and alpha have more discipline than millennials and Boomers. I think you got brainwashed by idiots on ticktock or lemmygrad, you need to educate your child about the internet, but with 15 its almost to late for that.
Both new generation had to live with all the bullshit the boomers and millennials dumped on them and literary inherited a fucked up shit show from you. You keeping your child away from reality will fail massively. A 15 year old absolutely should have curfues and such, I agree on that, but no phone? What's next? No door in his room so you can see what he is doing all day? He will live with the internet his whole life and you fail to educate him accordingly.
But from that statement its obvious that you just want to dump your wrongs and problems on others and blame them for it.
First sentence is factually incorrect, as proven by teachers and professors who work with kids / teens / young adults and have documented their observations. Where did I saw no phone? I said no smartphone. Where did I say he doesn’t use the Internet? I said screen time limits. He does use the Internet daily. You’re arguing against assumptions made in your own head.
Gen Z and alpha have more discipline than millennials and Boomers. I think you got brainwashed by idiots on ticktock or lemmygrad, you need to educate your child about the internet, but with 15 its almost to late for that.
Both new generation had to live with all the bullshit the boomers and millennials dumped on them and literary inherited a fucked up shit show from you. You keeping your child away from reality will fail massively. A 15 year old absolutely should have curfues and such, I agree on that, but no phone? What's next? No door in his room so you can see what he is doing all day? He will live with the internet his whole life and you fail to educate him accordingly.
But from that statement its obvious that you just want to dump your wrongs and problems on others and blame them for it.
Set bedtime... Morning call... Mandatory exercise... No phone... ETC
You might need some parenting advice from other places that do way better than your place and the people around you. I'm not in favor of the BS some patents do where they don't set rules at all but wow you take it way to far. This isn't a the most extreme wins, patenting is finding a good way to raise a child and not a prisoner or someone that uses you like a doormat.
Religion for Breakfast has a fascinating video about how "strict" religions are more enduring and are in fact growing, while "permissive" religions falter and extinguish. Whether or not the rules are applied strictly is an entirely different issue from whether the rules are themselves positive or negative, and that seems to be lost on most commenters.
Are you religious? That amount of control and mistrust seems to point to some real issues and religion is the first thing that comes to mind.
Have you ever read or seen Equus?