Asklemmy

You need professional therapy, not "advice" from Lemmy

Oh fuck off, I just realized this is that same attention whoring piece of shit @fookreddit69@lemm.ee

You're upset you got banned from all the asklemmy munis for posting so much "woe is me" crap aren't you? So now you've evaded your ban by creating a new account...

Listen, if you aren't going to accept anyone's advice, you are just wasting everyone's time by posting. Everyone has told you what you need to do. Seek therapy, stop being so down on yourself. Do literally anything to improve your situation instead of shitposting on Lemmy.

honestly I don't like anything or i give up on everything. I don't wanna try new things anymore.

That sounds an awful lot like depression. That's nothing to do with being in a relationship or not; it's not healthy to not be able to enjoy anything or take interest in anything. Forget about the relationship stuff. You can be and deserve to be happy without one. You need to address the other stuff first.

You really don't, humans are by and large social animals, so while you might be able to suppress that feeling, there's little chance to get rid of it entirely.

I agree with the other comment though that you need to build general social circles first and foremost. That's how most relationships start anyway, through mutual hobbies and interests.

Just don't go waltzing into any hobby gardener meetup with the only thought in mind to find a partner, but rather get involved with something you care about and then see what happens. Be that a book club, board game session, arts & craft stuff, sports, or whatever, just make sure it's an actual interest of yours.

And if it's the no sex part that contributes to your insecurity, then seriously, find a paid companion. If that's illegal where you're at, find a place you could go without repercussions. I've seen people transform over such encounters, no matter how frowned upon it might seem in society.

Hobbies is the answer.

Join a gym, go once a week until you want to go more.

Go to trivia at a bar that does it the same day every week.

Find a local club for an interest you have.

Find things that happen on a schedule that you have to show up for.

The problem you’ve described, in my experience, is that it sounds like you don’t have a life for anyone to join you in.

Nothing comes easy, even hobbies, you have to decide you want to do a thing and then do it on purpose even if you don’t want to do that thing in that moment.

There must be a way to stop this feeling.

Been there. I'll keep it short. The way is to get professional help. Therapy and/or medication.

Since you have no job, first step is to get on whatever low/no income insurance is available to you locally.

Are you asexual? If not, you're going to have sexual attraction. Turning that off isn't going to happen. Now, you can have sex without being in a relationship. But, normally people do strive to have a romantic relationship and I doubt you can switch that off without some serious drugs.

I think many men that experience these feelings turn to anger. They blame society, women, other men, etc. They turn to toxic mentors who tell them how to be "alpha" and seek advice from "pick up artists". Do not do any of that.

Your attitude sounds like depression. You have given up. You say you aren't reliable or an "adult". Do you want to be those things? Or do you want to be miserable that you're not those things? Those seem to be your options.

Being miserable is easy. Just do nothing. Be lazy. Have regret.

Being the person you want to be is hard. It is for most people. Most of us are in some stage of trying to be better people.

"Either experience the pain of progress or the pain of regret".

Being miserable can be comfortable if that's what you're use to doing. It's your safe space. Other things are foreign, strange, and scary.

You'll have to work really hard to break that cycle. Your mind will be screaming at you to stop trying to better yourself. "There's no point!"... " "Just give up and go back to bed!"...

You'll have to work to reject those thoughts and demonstrate to yourself that you can. And eventually, you'll notice it won't be as hard or scary.

So, make a plan and start with small things.

Or continue to give up and feel miserable.

Have you never deconstructed it before? Like, close your eyes and imagine to yourself, what defines a relationship? What defines the kind of thing I want to be in a relationship with? And what can I offer for that?

A lot of people who seek relationships lack them because they're narrow about it, even just me mentioning I'm asexual has violated a lot of mens' visions unfortunately. People today have less of an imagination than they used to, that's the issue.

You say you don't like anything or give up on everything, but what does that look like? I assume that you don't spend 8+ hours every day staring at a blank wall. You must do something to fill your time.

But if you are truly finding it difficult/impossible to be interested in the world around you, then your issue isn't that you don't have a girlfriend my dude. It sounds like you're suffering from pretty severe depression.

And I hate to break it to you, but untreated mental illness is definitely a mood killer, and not just with the ladies. You're gonna need to get yourself into a better place, or you're gonna drive more than just romantic partners away.

But I'll tell you, you're awfully fatalistic for 35. Women tend to pretty holistically prefer guys in the 33-40 bracket. You're not past your prime in the slightest. A little self confidence and a little investment in the world around you, and I think you'll find that you will attract people no problem.

And hey, maybe I'm wildly off base. I know I'm making a lot of assumptions based off a very small paragraph. And maybe I'm reading you super wrong. If so, I apologize.

One thing to keep in mind though. The idea of a relationship and sex you have in your head? That's a fantasy. Both are great things certainly, but when I was younger I feel like I built them up to be something deifying in my head. That once I had them, all my greatest desires would be met, and that life would be finally "complete" for me.

Understand that relationships are work. Fulfilling work, but work nonetheless. They require just as much "sticking to it" as any hobby that you haven't stuck with, if not substantially more. And let me tell you, you're absolutely not going to want to do it all the time. It requires a lot of dedication and perseverance.

And don't build up sex to something more than it is. Its great, certainly, but I promise you're putting it on a higher pedestal in your head than it deserves.

But all that to say, right now, you're in love with the idea of a relationship, not the reality of one. I'm confident that you'd find the reality to not be what you've dreamed of it. And the problems and struggles you have in your life are rarely made easier by adding more work and responsibilities.

Take care of yourself and get to a point where you love yourself and the world around you as it is, and I think you'll find that the rest of this will kind of take care of itself.

Please get therapy. I started a few years ago and I went from autistic virgin in his late 20s who had never been on a single date to guy with a girlfriend. It's never too late if you are willing to put work into yourself.

Also, even if you can't afford therapy, at least read "The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden. Just skip all the parts where he talks about Ayn Rand. And do the homework at the back of the book every day if you can, once you finish reading it. That book was maybe the thing that made the biggest difference for me in changing my attitude about finding a relationship.

Oh great. @fookreddit69@lemm.ee is back. Let's see how much attention we can draw to ourselves today, shall we?

Couldn't even use different verbiage on his new account after getting banned everywhere lmao

Get help

As someone who has friends before in a similar situation as you, you may have certain limitations or disabilities and the best option is, yes it's work but it's extremely gratifying is to go and find a good therapist that you can talk to to help understand yourself and your predicament.

That's my suggestion of the best course as you have potentially other underlying things you don't realize like severe codependency (from my experience from my friends I used to have, not saying you do)

If you simply just don't do anything nothing will change and it will get worse and worse.

(Just in case your hyper dependent with your parents) Just absolutely do something if you care about yourself at all. Your parent(s) will not be there forever, they can't sustain you forever.

My wife and I happened to meet because each of us had a mutual friend that by chance brought us together. It all happened randomly. I say this because it was through friendships that we met. I never would have spoken to her if not for two completely unrelated friends bringing us to an event.

You gotta find yourself having fun with friends before you find a partner. I would wager that is a healthy way to go about things. Just get out and talk to some friends.

Maybe try travel? Bring your laptop / deck / switch so you can game on the road. But do it from some place new. If you can work from home, maybe try moving around on short term rentals. Doesn't need to be anything exotic, could be the next town over.

Anything to break up your routine a bit. Don't look at it as a means to an end. Try and enjoy the journey itself

For me, it always faded with time. Usually about a year and a half after my last relationship ended.

One: self reflection. Write your thoughts out regularly, reflect on them, this will enable you to self actualize.

Two: learn to enjoy your own company. Go to movies alone if you like, go on trips alone, do things you enjoy alone, and thoroughly enjoy them. Doesn't matter if it's a hobby or whatever or if you commit to it or not, the only requirement is that you enjoy it. Put your energy into things that make you happy.

If you're having trouble finding things you enjoy, I highly suggest therapy, but also exploration. Go out of your comfort zone and try things. But absolutely therapy because it may help you figure some things out that you didn't know were holding you back.

The more you enjoy your own company, the more confident you become. Confidence helps with your own happiness, it helps you understand what you deserve, it helps you meet people and make friends and build meaningful connections.

And when I say enjoy I mean actually enjoy, not just pretend to. You will know the difference as this is for you and not a performance for others.

Godspeed.

tl;dr: deprogram millions of years of biological imperative