this post was submitted on 14 Jun 2024
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I discovered porn on my dad's computer (midwest.social)
submitted 5 months ago by clark@midwest.social to c/casualconversation@lemm.ee
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It was saved as a bookmark on Chrome.

I’m a little stirred up and I don’t know why. It’s natural to watch that kind of stuff. But it somehow feels awkward now, being his child. I don’t know. Anybody got any, like, advice? On how to get over it? Dads? Children of dads?

Hey, at least it was labelled MILF and not young teenage girl.

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[–] fracture@beehaw.org 2 points 5 months ago (1 children)

i had to think on this a little bit, and knowing you're a woman helped me see where you were coming from, i think

and i think you should reflect on what looking at porn says to you about a person. because there can be a lot of baggage attached and - at least for me, as a guy who likes porn - i've already had to come to terms with that stuff. but it's hard to know if someone else has done that kind of inner reflective work about what most people treat as a throwaway hobby

it's also kind of like, how comfortable are you with your own sexuality? are you asexual? how did your folks treat sex and sexuality growing up?

i don't have any answers for you, and you certainly don't need to answer any of these questions in a public forum on the internet. but hopefully they help you understand and resolve what's troubling you

fwiw, my dad is super careless about it LMAO i found his porn bookmarks by accident as a kid. and nowadays his steam notifies me when he hops on hentai games 💀💀💀 but yknow what, good for him, hope he's having a good time

[–] clark@midwest.social 3 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (1 children)

Hey! Thanks for the elaborate comment, it definitely touched on aspects the others did not.

I think, after discovering this, I started questioning his view on women - he is a vocal feminist and despises the patriarchy, but upon realising he consumes media from an incredibly exploitative* and often sexist industry, it threw me for a loop. So, it’s not the actual action of watching pornography - I think homemade, consensual content is top notch - but the implications of watching it.

So, that being said, I really don’t think it has anything to do with how comfortable I am with my sexuality. I think it’s the fact I feel dumbfounded by this egalitarian, openly feminist man who subscribes to this repulsive industry. But hey, people got many sides to them and I’m already over it - I’m just contemplating still.

[–] fracture@beehaw.org 3 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (1 children)

yeah and i posed both questions just to kind of allow for multiple possibilities because, y'know, i wasn't really sure what was going on in your head

but otherwise, i dunno if you're this comfortable with your dad, but if you are, maybe you could have a conversation about it. ask him if he knows about sex work and how workers in the porn industry are treated, ask if he's considered looking for ethical pornography producers, maybe suggest some (?) LOL

i understand this isn't a conversation everyone is necessarily comfortable having, but i think, if you can overcome the awkwardness, it's worth it to kind of reaffirm your dad's relationship with you and his shared values with you. fwiw i think a lot of people (men?) who are like, strongly feminist would be open to reconsidering this stuff and maybe just don't necessarily have the tools or haven't really had the idea to explicitly pursue more ethical porn. some of it is just accessibility, you know? like, everyone knows pornhub, but i can't name an ethical porn studio offhand

that said, this inspired me to google it (i know, what an idea) and i found a couple of article recommendations as a starting point:

https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a36465164/ethical-porn/

https://sexualalpha.com/ethical-porn-sites/

and then, just for full disclosure, some of the things that prevented me from doing that before were:

  • i didn't (and still am not sure) that i could just trust a google search about this (it's still better than nothing and the second article lists some signs that you can look for, at least)
  • conflating ethical with soft: sorry if this is too mcuh information LMAO but i'm kind of into people fucking hard (sort of regardless of gender), so it's hard to feel like i'll enjoy ethical porn. i think it's better now, i would have been a lot more concerned ten years ago, but there's probably something nowadays that is ethical and still caters to me
  • there's also kind of the concern about like, getting my money's worth, because tbh ethical porn DOES mean paying for it. the money isn't really a huge concern (altho it could be for others), but it's hard to want to manage it without the sort of security of a good return. again, it's not a huge deal, it's a worthwhile investment to spend a few bucks to find out and i think these studios probably have enough available material to evaluate them
  • similarly on the accessibility front, is being able to access it on my phone bc my pc is in the goddamn living room (another situation which has probably improved substantially over the last ten years)
  • some of it is just like, it wasn't that feasible or good of a situation ten years ago and i just haven't sat down to think about it much since the last time i did until now. and your dad is definitely older than i am, i am not old enough to have a child your age LOL

notably, none of these are really about whether it's a (morally) good idea or not, it's a lot about the practicalities, but yknow not necessarily every feminist guy is on this page

i'm not gonna sit here and pretend these are the best reasons or anything, i'm not the best human being to ever live, but i try to do better than the day before, and i listed those reasons out honestly to hopefully help if you decide to have that conversation with... not even just your dad, but anyone

but you know, if you decide not too, obviously that's totally fine and understandable LOL, i think this was still good to write up and talk about

[–] clark@midwest.social 3 points 5 months ago

Thank you for the suggestions, it was really refreshing to read your thoughts on this matter. Will definitely keep this in mind for the future (? if I discover my mom watching porn or something, I don’t know lmao). Cheers (: