Hello, so I am someone who meets facet 2&3 of the psychopathic spectrum and my psychiatrist at least agreed I’m ether a psychopath or have heavy ASPD. Though we were never able to get far due to insurance issues though I have done extensive research with college professors and learning from specialized psychiatrist. Now please before you keep on reading understand this will get rather gruesome so if you wish to click away. I’d do so now.
So the first signs I remember as a child that should’ve thrown red flags across the board for my parents was I would step and kill birds to watch their life drain from their eyes. This includes the sound of death and blood would sexually arouse me at 4 years old. Moving onto 6th grade. My English teacher was afraid of me, as I would constantly talk about fire arms and killing. Moving up to recently, I seriously didn’t mean to kill the squirrel as I was just wondering what may happen. Though I microwaved a squirrel and it exploded. I told this story in my 12th grade English class.
See by that time I really stopped harming animals but I got a really psychotic moment and had that thought. I do deeply regret doing it but I still have random psychotic ideas. Like I recently found a roadkill beaver that was well preserved and decided to skin it. Then when walking back into my house with the skinning knife I had a very horrible idea to capture a bird and slit its throat just to watch its blood leak. I do have an understanding of laws and morals I taught myself/learned off a show character who honestly raised me a bit as my father was never around.
The thing is though I do feel emotion, normally I can’t at all feel happiness or very distant. Though I feel a void normally calm but when I get stressed or sad. It’s like an overwhelming sense of dread. Though the only true happiness I feel in this life is loving and caring for others or trying to protect the innocent.
Though I don’t know how to fit in, how to seem a bit more normal and I believe it’s affecting my life in general. Please any advice helps.
Addition to this: I have DID with 6 alternate personalities. One an aging younger version while the others are adults. I don’t have nearly any memory of my childhood besides psychotic things I did. I also have hallucinations when someone makes me mad of bad things happening to them which I’ve never had the intent of following them as normally they disturb me and I don’t want those things to happen. For example seeing my brother and mother’s face peal off. I also don’t feel empathy 60% of the time unless I’m romantically attracted or they’re really good people.
Way to go! What you are describing could potentially be a result of serious trauma - no way to tell without a professional assessing you. You may want to look for someone who uses parts work therapy, like internal family systems or ego states therapy. And of course someone who specializes in DID. Please don't ever write yourself off as "broken" or anything like that. You absolutely can get better!