this post was submitted on 17 Apr 2024
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I have this friend. He is in perpetual turmoil.
What he does is get into a relationship with the wrong type of person out of fear of being alone, then they move in together within a few months.
This inevitably goes sour. Every single time.
I'm doing my best to support him but I'm getting frustrated. Really frustrated. I have my own shit to deal with. He's like a helpless child
Edit: they broke up because she expected him to pay all the rent and bills while she attempted to setup a business.
Neither of these people should be in relationships.
/Rant
Operative word here is 'fear'. And 'helpless child'. You probably wouldn't be surprised to know that a significant proportion of the problems dealt with by marriage counsellors and the like are about people thinking that once they are in a relationship, all their adulting problems are over. Cos partner will then be the adult and they can then remain as a child with all their physical and emotional needs taken care of by the other person. Without them having to ask. This rarely happens and is an unrealistic expectation at best. No bloody wonder the relationship sours.
I don't know if this is what is happening with your friend, but the odds are heavily for it. Guy needs to grow up. This may require therapy if he is more than 15 years old. Maybe point him to a Men's Shed or similar for a dose of adult relationshipping without tears or a major financial burden.
I am aware that some cultural expectations of what a relationship should be are different from mine, but surely growing up and behaving like an adult are fairly universal. For all participants.
Nah, men go to work and make money, maybe mow the lawn.
Women have to work and make money, and make babies and take care of them, and do all the chores, and budget and pay bills, and remember friends/family birthdays, and buy groceries and make breakfast, lunch and dinner.
ETA: women have to be mens therapist, maid, and slut.
Men love being big fat children, and making women carry the mental load of the household.
Not every man, but enough men.
My experience has been the exact opposite. Despite "working and making the money", basically everything you've listed that is put onto women I've been the one providing.
You might be surprised at the number of women who behave as though I'm to meet all of their needs.
From my experience, it would then be easy to generalise that a lot of women behave this way. But it's not true.
I endeavour not to paint entire segments of society with the same brush.
I will admit I said this because it was my experience, and it is an extreme generalisation.
I read your responses above, and I am sad your friend falls for women who use him that way. I am sorry you have been used that way as well. It is not fair on anyone, regardless of sex or gender, to be used and abused by those who are meant to be partners.
My sincere apologies
Oof. I also mow the lawns on top of everything else. Takes hours (big place)
Some people don't want to be alone even if they know the relationship is not good. They'll just wait for a new one to pop up and move on. Don't feel bad. Concentrate on you.
Might be time for a conversation with them? not now, but when things settle down a bit. They may not be aware of this cycle, but if they are it might be a good opportunity to point out you wont always be able to support them when they (find a nicer way to say shoot themselves in the foot for the 10th time in a row).
take care of yourself too. No harm in taking a step back from other folks drama. I had to do something similar when mates tried to involve me in their marital disputes. "nah guys, got enough drama myself without adding yours, thanks!"
Your last paragraph got me thinking so I rang him.
Was upfront and said "look mate, I don't have the capacity to help you the way you want, but we can hang out and take your mind off it making music or playing a game".
Great stuff, how was it received?
Moving in how? Him importing a Maid, or him sponging as a hobosexual. Madly clingy on either side? None are great, but some flavours are more ick.
Other way around. Her using him as a wallet, therapist and sex toy and him accepting that treatment out of desperation not to be alone.
So madly clingy from him. Dude needs some self esteem and a major Re-eval of what is Relationship and what is getting to know you. Maybe learn how to βjust sexβ if thatβs really the thing rather than loneliness? Eh. His problem, not yours to fix.
oh dear
she should have been using her own savings
or working part time or doing absolutely everything around the house