Hello everyone! My name is Emma. I’ve been thinking I was gender non conforming for about five years now, but didn’t have the courage to act on my desire until I entered into my current relationship two years ago or so. My partner is queer and very supportive of me. I started to realize how unhappy my perception of my body and gender was; how unhappy I was with others perception of my gender. As a result, I started medical transition about nine months ago. I have desire to change my voice, to have breasts, to reduce the amount of body hair I have. And yet, I don’t really carry myself differently or act much differently than before. I’ve always crossed my legs when I sit and tried to make myself seem smaller than I am because I’ve always hated my height (I’m very very tall).
One thing that definitely has changed is that I’ve gotten more and more dysphoric over the short time I’ve been on hormones. I’ve talked about this with my partner and thought through it myself and believe, to a degree, that this is due to me unpacking pain that I had repressed over time. That the discomfort with my body was always there and I had just always crushed it down to allow myself to function despite it. This came at a cost of worsening depression, anxiety, and insecurity. For example, I never enjoyed shopping for clothes, looking masculine, wearing anything that showed off my body. As a result I never felt comfortable in my clothes or body and hated my appearance. Now though, I love shopping for clothes! At least online anyway, in person stores never have clothes for women my height :p (love you long tall sally!)
But… there’s a devil on my shoulder which says that I’m becoming more dysphoric because I’m not really trans. Because I’m really a man and I’m just lying to myself. I’m just doing this because I never felt I had a space to belong. I’m just appropriating the culture of people I respect and admire. I’m just trying to fit into women’s spaces, take advantage of the kindness of queer people to gain a sense of community where I never had one before. Writing that out, the internalized transphobia is pretty clear, huh?
I think part of my ever increasing feeling of dysphoria is not dressing how I want to and presenting how I want to out of fear of harassment or abuse from others in public. I ride public transit everywhere and see people get harassed daily and don’t want that to be me. So, I dress more masculine out of fear. Because of that masculine presentation, I get scared to use the women’s restrooms at work and find myself hiding in the stalls until all the other people leave before I go wash my hands. Which is dumb, because people at my job are super supportive and kind. Thinking of myself as a woman always feels wrong because I’m not feminine enough, my voice is too low, I’m too tall, I wear more masculine clothes, etc.
So lately I’ve been wracked with insecurity wondering if this was all the right decision for me. I have the same interests and the same depression. Obviously estrogen didn’t cure my mental illness. Transitioning has made some aspects of it worse and some aspects of it more bearable. And the worry that’s always there is whether I’m doing all this for the right reasons. Whether my dysphoria will ever start decreasing in severity rather than increasing. At the same time, the thought of detransitioning is agonizing.
It feels silly looking back now on how I thought transition would cure my mental illness. How I thought going on estrogen would cure my dysphoria. How I thought leaving my home state of Texas and moving to a more progressive state would free my mind and body from transphobia external and internal. There is no magic cure for mental illness or dysphoria. There is no promised land free of transphobia.
Ultimately, I’m doing okay. Im still happier and more comfortable than I was when I thought I was a man. I’m making this post wondering if any of you have/had a similar experience, similar anxieties, or similar doubts to me. How do you cope with your anxiety about transition or insecurity in your identity? How do you deal with stagnant or worsening dysphoria?
For sure transitioning will not cure your other mental health issues, you kinda need to work on those separately when you get to a place that you're able to do so. Despite advances in information and medical tech, right now is the roughest its ever been to transition due to the political situation. I transitioned back before cis people were really aware that trans folk exist outside of being made fun of in the media. Even back then, the first few years of my transition were the most dysphoria ridden. If you go for years trying to suppress dysphoria and suddenly you're confronting it daily, that's gonna hurt more than it did when you were just coping. I used to feel like an imposter in queer/women's spaces, I remember feeling really dysphoric and unsure of myself, over time that's changed. Finding a solid IRL friend-group of other trans people can be transformative. If I could give my younger self any advice it would be to seek that out. Not only is there support to be found but also safety in numbers. Its so important to find a group that will accept you 100% without judgement, having time to just chill out as yourself among other humans without fear can really help your nervous system adapt. Hopefully some of this is helpful. I've been on this road awhile (11 years HRT) and while I'm no longer dealing with dysphoria anymore I'm still figuring out life. If you have any questions I'll do my best to answer or elaborate as I find time.
Thank you for the comment, it was reassuring. I hope that some day I too can look back on this as being the worst of my dysphoria.
My partner also has been encouraging me to make queer and trans friends IRL. It’s hard to find time when I’m having to work so much, but I’m getting to the point where I’m just going to have to make the time or continue to suffer.