this post was submitted on 23 Jan 2024
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Relationship Advice

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How do you say you want a divorce? (lemmy.world)
submitted 9 months ago by Suck_on_my_Presence@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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I'm really stuck. I've been unhappy for years and we've done couple's therapy and tried to reconnect, but it's just not enough.

I have a bad habit of feeling guilty and responsible for everything and I just can't see a future where I hurt my partner so badly. I don't know how to sever myself from the relationship and alllllll of the stuff and responsibilities. My partner slacked off when it came to college internships so they've been unemployed for years, and now finally found a fast food job. But that means that if I leave, they're done for. They can't pay the mortgage alone, nevertheless the bills or food. They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don't know if that's because they're still so attached to me or if it's the fear of having to make it on their own.

How do I uproot their entire life over my unhappiness? That just doesn't seem like something I could possibly do... but I can't stay here, I'm withering away.

Help?

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[–] donuts@kbin.social 15 points 9 months ago

They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don’t know if that’s because they’re still so attached to me or if it’s the fear of having to make it on their own.

It sounds like they might feel just as stuck as you feel. What if they are also unhappy in the relationship, but are only holding it together and going through the motions so that they can continue to rely on you financially? How can that kind of situation ever lead to anything resembling a happy and healthy relationship?

But that means that if I leave, they’re done for. They can’t pay the mortgage alone, nevertheless the bills or food. They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don’t know if that’s because they’re still so attached to me or if it’s the fear of having to make it on their own.

I think the big problem here is that you're both treating your partner as a dependent; someone you are responsible for taking care of, not an equal adult with their own responsibilities.

If you leave, they aren't "done for", they just have to grow up and live in the adult world with the rest of us, doing what needs to be done to support themselves like we all do. They slacked off in college, they have remained unemployed and now have a sort of crappy job, it's certainly not ideal, but it's survivable and ultimately not your fault. So, yeah, you both might mean finding a new place to live, finding a roommate, moving back in with family, or whatever, but that's life. If anything, maybe being put in that situation will be the incentive that they need to better themself and take less for granted?