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[serious] What are your most important boundaries you've learned to enforce? (lemmy.world)

submitted 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) by cheese_greater@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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Nobody tells me what I'm going to do or where I will be going and when that happens

I am open to invitations or requests or suggestions where my involvement is desired or ostensibly necesary for somone else. But I will never respond to this as a statement of fact or in the form of a threat

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[–] SpudNoodle@kbin.social 7 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I think I need the boundary you stated in the post. I really struggle when it feels like I’m not in control of my time/energy. When someone else takes away my self agency. I hate that feeing and makes me resentful towards whatever external factor is causing it.

I know the reason why this is a sensitive issue for me, and no longer am in those circumstances. But it comes up in other contexts, and I don’t know how a boundary would work there. Eg, work requiring me to “sacrifice” personal time. I get paid for the hours I work, but it deeply bothers me to have to give up my morning routine so I that I start work early to meet someone else’s deadline. It’s not unreasonable to have to occasionally work a little more, so setting a hard boundary isn’t appropriate, but where is the line for my personal comfort? Same with personal relationships, it’s not unreasonable to give in sometimes, but where to draw the line?

[–] cheese_greater@lemmy.world 2 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

What does your employment agreement/contract/job description outline as the minimums (think of them as your shared hard boundaries with the employer).

If you do

A. B. C.

You get

X. Y. Z.

Anything outside of that is discretionary on both sides so I'd say those are more wants-territory. Not that they aren't important, but that's where negotiation comes into play.

I know this is super reductive but its sort of inescapable, isn't it? Like if they really need you to do extra all the time, that needs to be taken into consideration, allowing it to be enumerated (specifically outlined and limited) and formalized (enforcable)...

If its making you unwell in any way or in any aspect of your being, you probably need to address it to make sure your positive (I need this resource) and negative (I need to not have this issue) needs are honored.

We haven't really touched on the personal needs yet but I think the professional/business side might serve as a lever to help you get what you need at work and to the greatest extent its legally enforcable and you can use that template (transposed of course) for the personal side. There's likely overlap and those might be helpful to identify and use as a case study + self-experiment