Well I don't really work right now, I came into a family trust when my last surviving parent passed away. Right now I spend my leisure time as I like, mainly writing and doing a lot of walking (we're on a private reserve) and also I'm re-learning to play the piano and just started to dabble in acrylic painting. I feel like I'm always busy though - but not bored, which is a nice place to be in.

[–] tok@lemmy.zip 1 points 11 months ago (1 children)

damn. that's nice. wish I could do that 🤣 focus on my hobbies, actually rest, be able to read and enjoy a book.

i have daydreamt about that my entire life 😅

unfortunately I have to find something that pays the bills AND that is bearable. that's the hard part.

[–] tygerprints@kbin.social 2 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Even when I was working (in healthcare) I took time to read and do the things I enjoy. Usually on weekends or when I had a free slice of time. I know the grind of having to pay bills and how it consumes your energy, and that is a hard reality.

I hope you find time to indulge in what you love most anyway - however you can. Believe me just having tons of leisure time isn't as great as you'd think. It's how you fill the time that really matters.

[–] tok@lemmy.zip 3 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

I can't find time and honestly I don't think I enjoy most things anymore. my rest time is spent thinking about how I should be doing something to change my situation. instead do nothing/watch TV series and then feel bad about it 😅

you mentioned piano. I had a lot of fun with it for a few months until I started to feel "wanted time".

a few years ago I bought one, learned the basics and started to feel that feeling of wasting time. at first, I actually had fun with it. it was so interesting learning/practicing. I just couldn't justify time spent anymore. it's stored away now.

can't even play video games anymore which I loved because.. can't enjoy them with this constant feeling of having to do something productive that actually helps/improve my life. tired of this feeling. I've been feeling it for the last 20 years. it's gotten bad lately.

my life desperately needs to improve financially. that's my hard reality.

[–] tygerprints@kbin.social 1 points 11 months ago (1 children)

I've been there. I used to hate having to work 8 to 5 (here in Utah there is no such thing as a 9 to 5 job) every day just to pay bills. I was always creatively inclined and having to do boring work for someone else just didn't cut it at all. And made me very depressed.

For me, being older now, I don't really feel any need to "be productive and improve my life." I just do what feels good and if it's just sitting watching TV, I'm fine with it.

And yes I do play video games also. I have been playing since the 80s and it's truly just a part of my lifestyle. Plus, it makes me feel like I'm at least doing something interactive instead of just passively watching a TV screen.

Anyway all I can say is, things have improved for me since getting older. I hope they will for you also and that you find a way to make your days enjoyable without feeling pressured by those "inner voices" to do something productive.

[–] tok@lemmy.zip 2 points 11 months ago (1 children)

if I don't find a job that is bearable I don't think I'll reach being much older. ive even been looking into one way tickets as a "one last thing" 😅

[–] tygerprints@kbin.social 2 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Well don't take that one way trip to nowhere. For one thing, it only hands all the power over to the people who dislike you to begin with. For another, your one life is too valuable to lose. If you don't believe me ask those kids in hospitals dying of cancer if they'd trade you places in an instant.

The truth is if you are that depressed you should do yourself the biggest possible kindness and get some counseling to help you out, just as you would get help with any other illness. Also - you can make the life you want, even if it isn't everything you dreamed of. When things are that terrible, the only healthy option is change.

[–] tok@lemmy.zip 1 points 11 months ago (1 children)

I'd trade with a dying kid. its okay, I'm just exhausted of the requirements for a "decent/basic" life. ive thought about changing what I consider "decent/basic"... but... energy.

about the one way trip.. it was a dark day. but it's always there in the background as a possible "solution/option"

I usually fantasize about having a terminal disease. or an accident. something out of my control that releases me from any "responsability" about not being strong enough to do what it takes to "succeed"/survive. like having a 9-5 job. I've had one for 3 years. worst time of my life. honestly I don't know how I survived.. the occasional beer with a friend that felt the same way and hope probably

I'm on meds (psychiatrist, and Concerta helped with basic things like doing bed and dishes) and recently tried psychologist as well. I quit after 5 sessions because I just felt we were going in circles. I already had thought about the options/solutions the psychologist gave me so... nothing new. and 50 euros (cheap comparing to competition) per hour is kinda expensive for my budget. "find your passion" yeah. I've been trying my whole life. I just get bored at some point, force to keep it going until I can't anymore and quit.

anyway, thanks for the kind words. hopefully I didn't trigger anyone with my hopelessness

[–] tygerprints@kbin.social 2 points 11 months ago

I've been there myself many times. I've had those dark days when the one-way out option seems like the only possible solution. Even going to far as to give my things away and make a list about what I was planning to do, I had it all ready to go.

But one day I just got sick of being unhappy and beating myself up when truthfully it wasn't anything I was doing, but other people that were making my life miserable.

From then I quit. I quit the relationship and I quit my 8 to 5 job (we don't have 9 to 5 here in Utah) and I let the chips fall where they may. And I found out, I can stand on my own feet.

I think you've got the strength to survive and succeed, or you would't have made it this far. You have what I do - a kind of adult ADHD where nothing seems to satisfy your needs for long, and doing one thing over and over just doesn't cut it.

All I can say is that indulging myself in my interests, even if they change moment to moment, has really helped. I know that's not a luxury everyone has, but hopefully you can still finds ways to indulge yourself and tell your inner judges to shut the hell up already.

Best of luck with it all, and feel free to hit me up with you need more kind words!!